Flaws

in case you were wondering

I work until I get sick. I worked until I got sick this week.

I have the ability to make myself so nervous that I end up getting sick. This used to happen whenever I moved to a new city and started a new school. I’d get so nervous and be so sad that I’d get sick. The last time I was so sad I made myself sick was when Lillith died, I think.

I really don’t like my house being messy, but I’m incredibly lazy. I find myself just not cleaning things at all, knowing that someone else will eventually. Man, that’s horrible. But my mom would eventually clean things if we let them sit long enough. Terrible. See? I’m not a nice person.

I always forget to go to the ATM and inevitably I don’t have enough cash for whatever it is I’m about to do.

I love watching The View even though I don’t really get any joy out of it.

I smoke way too much.

I drink too often.

I stay up so late that it’s unhealthy.

I still haven’t sent off all of my holiday cards.

I don’t know what to get my parents for Christmas.

I almost never replace the new roll of toilet paper. I’ll put it right on the counter next to me instead.

I almost never finish a can of Diet Coke. I lose them and end up opening new ones.

I am terribly upset if I end up ruining a surprise for myself. I’ve always been able to figure out a surprise party and I hate that about myself. I hate figuring that stuff out.

I count how many steps I take to get from one place to the next. I find patterns in floor tiles. I try and make patterns in things that don’t have patterns. I always check the sky for constellations, when the truth is I really don’t know any. I just assume which is Orion and which is Cassiopeia.

I have to read things at all times. I will read shampoo bottles, cereal boxes, envelopes, signs, menus– just to have something to read. If I’m sitting around not doing anything, I’ll try and read something near me. It’s soothing. It’s also stupid. I’m why they have billboards.

I am very addicted to The Coffee Bean nonfat Swiss Mocha Latte. It’s not funny.

Just typing those words made me wonder where my umbrella is so I can walk through the rain to the Bean.

I call it “The Bean.” I’m retarded.

I have a pile of email addresses just waiting around for the Secret Santa project. I’m a terrible slacking slack.

I slept for almost eleven hours last night.

I want to open the xmas presents that have arrived, but I won’t. Since I’m not going anywhere for xmas, I know I’ll appreciate them more on Christmas Day. But I want to open them.

I have never seen Return of the Jedi. I. DON’T. CARE.

Big dogs scare me. With the barking and the threatening and the ability to bite my throat.

Little dogs scare me. With the jumping and the yipping and the ability to jump straight to my face.

I think it should be illegal to keep ferrets, as they make me think that people have just given up and allowed the rats to live with them.

I hated Forrest Gump.

(I’m on a bit of a roll, now.))

I hate alt.country. The sound of a twang in music makes me uncomfortable, and ever since I saw Radio Flyer, the sound of the word “Bayou” makes me think of little boys getting beaten. It’s not good. You’d think the word “Bayou” wouldn’t come up very often, but I know Weldon and Ray.

I am ridiculously afraid of the following: lightning. getting stuck outside during lightning. loud noises like gunshots, even in movies. taking off in an airplane. turbulence. runny eggs running all over the rest of my food. the germs that kids carry on their faces and hands. old photographs where the old person is staring at you and you don’t know who the person is but they look like they worked and lived harder than you ever will. babysitting. accidentally getting a stranger’s hair in my mouth.

I don’t like to try new things in restaurants because I always end up hating whatever new thing I order, but I get guilted into trying new things all the time.

I never like curry as much as I think I do. I like it when I make it, and when my mother makes it, but there’s something about a restaurant’s curry that’s too sharp for me.

I spend too much time online. When I have nothing to do I’ll surf through the web like I’m reading a magazine. Sometimes I’ll read things I don’t even like, just to have read them.

I have often had the feeling that I was going to die in a car accident. Some days that feeling is stronger than others.

I am horribly fascinated by the incredibly made-up women on the religious cable channels.

I can’t watch soap operas. They bore the living hell out of me.

I want to like tea, and when I’m with my mom or I’m not feeling well I like tea, but I can’t imagine just drinking tea instead of coffee. Does chai count?

I hate the scars on my body. Actually, I’m ashamed of them. I’ve seen people get repulsed or saddened at the sight of them, so I don’t like anyone seeing them.

I watch too much television, but I never feel like I get to watch any.

I hardly ever read the paper.

I’m Susie KnowsTooMuch, and I’m big asshole about it. I’ll correct you if you’re wrong, and I might even do it with a “jackass” smirk.

I don’t like it when you can’t realize that I’m right and you’re wrong.

I will drive you crazy with my feeling guilty ways.

Did we talk about me enough, here, yet?

I like being the best. I will get a bit depressed if I find out that I’m not as good at something as I want to be.

I will try and be humble, but once I beat you, I’ll probably tease you a bit about it.

I actually won’t do things that I’m pretty sure I won’t be good at. One time my dad bowled a 300. He’s never picked up a bowling ball since. He’s “beaten” the game.

I’m protective. To where I’ll hate you if you’re mean to my friends or family.

I act all girlie, but I really really hate it if some boy gets all puffy-chested in front of me. Like, I’m small and short and that makes it look like I should be protected, but I really hate it when some guy acts like he’s going to get into a fight for me. I’d never want to see that. No matter how many daydreams I might have like that, I’d never want it to happen in real life.

DON’T JUDGE ME. YOU HAVE FLAWS, TOO.

I don’t like eating things I cooked. They don’t taste as good and I feel like I should just be cleaning after myself.

I’ll have a headache for days and refuse to take aspirin. It looks all stoic, but the truth is, swallowing pills makes me gag. I hate swallowing pills. HATE IT.

I have the ability to put off important things until the very very end. I have patient bosses and friends that know I’m just going to turn something in right before it has to has to be due.

I think that Willem Defoe is crazy-sexy.

I’m flirty.

I don’t really have any sense of style.

I’m clumsy.

I make terrible jokes in really poor taste.

I can be quite catty.

I am hesitant when meeting women for the first time. I assume they won’t like me.

I am currently wearing a t-shirt that’s not mine and shorts I hate. I don’t care. Ray is sitting next to me in his underwear. We’re the nastiest couple in West Hollywood.

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