not for the squeamish, or easily offended

Listen. Before I start, if disgusting talk about sex and animals and such make you feel nasty, or make you want to send hate mail, then don’t bother reading this. That includes you guys, Mom and Dad. I got mushy for you yesterday. And for the sake of Eric, Charlotte probably shouldn’t read this either.

Okay. First of all, I think you should be introduced to this the same way I did. I was in LA, you know, working, looking for an apartment, doing important things that advanced the next years of our lives.

Eric was in a car on his way to the Louisiana riverboats to do some gambling. Yeah, I know. I’m a great girlfriend.

So, I just spent the day driving around, getting hostile, snipping occasionally at stee when the amount of Ultimate Coffee Bean was running low, and was wondering when Eric was going to check on my apartment hunt. Day Two was much harder than Day One, and my spirits were rather low. We took a break back at stee’s apartment so he could get some work finished when Eric called.

So I’m sitting on stee’s couch (not the one on the curb, which really is the saddest couch in the land), and the first thing Eric says is this:

“Baby. Would you rather let a donkey fuck you or suck its dick?”

I think I didn’t say anything for a little while. Images were floating around, my eyes blinked a bit involuntarily, more like I had something in my eye. I glanced over at stee, wondering how I was going to answer this question without making him wonder what kind of phone call I was taking on his couch. Then I realized there was no way around it, and I was going to have to answer.

“I’d… let it fuck me.”

“Coo.”

Coo. That’s all the response I got, people. “Coo.”

“I’m gonna go get you another beer,” was all stee said as he left the room.

What happened, apparently, was this. Boy A, Boy B and Girl C are in the car driving to Louisiana. Because it’s a car trip, Boy A and Boy B apparently begin discussing trips to Mexico, and whether or not anyone has seen a Donkey Show. For the uninformed (don’t worry, I was as well), there’s apparently a city famous for these women that will perform sexual acts with donkeys for money. The question then was– if you were a girl in Mexico, which act would you rather do?

I think the answer here depends on what sex you are. See, the answer most girls say is that they’d let the donkey do the deed to them, since they’d have the entire thing behind them, away from them, and not in their mouths all up in their faces. Boy A seems to think that the sex act would be too painful. This is because the boys are assuming they’ll have to have anal sex with the donkey, since they don’t have any girl parts.

This has brought up the sentence, “Yes, but you have to imagine your ass is a pussy,” which I just love. “Your ass is a pussy” is the name of my seventeenth album.

Instead of dragging out who said what, I’m just going to say that this has turned into a major argument, and the facts of what actually was discussed in that car on that afternoon are now being debated feverishly. Some say that you’ve always had to imagine your ass was a pussy. Some are now claiming that the pussy-ass section of the question is more like Question 1A.

But some of my favorite statements said in the heat of the moment lately have been:

“Look, I’m just sayin’. If I was a hooker in Mexico and my ass was a pussy, there’d be no question.”

“Big, hairy, smelly donkey parts in your mouth is no way to live.”

“No, this is completely about the ass because that’s what I have.”

“Wait, do we then reverse it? Because I don’t want no donkey going down on me. He bites and shit.”

“I can’t believe you’d suck it.”

“Can we all just agree that your ass is a pussy and then we answer the question?”

“I’m going on the general assumption that women are intelligent creatures. Therefore I’d assume that they’d never want any donkey genetic code to get mixed with their own so they don’t make any ass creatures.”

“Planet of the Apes has absolutely nothing to do with this discussion!”

“There used to be twelve people at this table. You’re making people leave with your cock talk.”

“I got two suckers and a fucker over here.”

“When he called you, did he ask you if your ass was a pussy, or did he just say you’d have to have sex with it and you assumed it was about your butt?”

“First of all, I asked him, ‘Am I on Candid Camera?’”

“Oh, now you’ve ruined it. You can’t tell her the question that way! That makes her want to fuck it.”

“Obviously, you’ve never given oral sex.” “What makes you think I haven’t?” “Well, you weren’t good at it, then.”

“Look, I’m telling you, there’s no way you want that big ass donkey standing over you, all ready to kick the shit out of you if he’s not happy.”

“Oh, is he going to push my head down and shit with his big honkin’ hooves? Because that could hurt.”

“You’ll never be able to put anything in your mouth ever again. You’ll never be able to close your eyes, drink beer or go to the zoo.”

“E-I-E-I-Oh my God!”

“Wait, have I done this before, or is this like, my first time with a donkey?”

“Please stop screaming in my ear!” “Oh, but you don’t mind a little donkey screaming in your ear
you?”

“You are no longer my friend.”

“Wait, am I me, or am I a hooker in Mexico?”

“So, I assume y’all didn’t win any money in Louisiana.”

“Oh, you weren’t there.” “I was too!” “Yeah, but you’re not a man.”

“No! This is where you’re ruining everything and it’s all going wrong.”

“Well, I would be able to control how long it lasts that way.”

“No, there’s no hair. Haven’t you ever seen a donkey’s penis?” “NO! But why have you?”

“Can’t I just let it play with my titties?”

“That’s bullshit. I tried all through high school to let one of you women to let me have sex with you and it was always, ‘No! No!’ but you’ll just let some donkey do it. That’s amazing. I’m telling you, you’d suck it first. I could get any of you people sitting at the table to give me a blow job tonight, but I’m pretty sure not one of you would sleep with me.” “…no, that’s probably true.” “I KNOW!”

This is ruining friendships, people. The suckers and the fuckers cannot see eye to eye. People are disgusted just looking at each other. And unfortunately, we now can’t look at each other without seeing horny donkeys on each other’s faces.

I know. It ain’t right.

Welcome to my world.