they only kinda scared my mom

[scripty]
MOM
So, who are these people?

PAMIE
Rob and Dana.

MOM
And you’re going out to dinner with them?

PAMIE
Something like that. Maybe just drinks.

MOM
And how do you know them?

PAMIE
The Internet. They have journals.

MOM
Uh-huh.

PAMIE
They have journals, Mom. I know all about them and their spouses and families and stuff.

MOM
But you don’t really know them.

PAMIE
Not really, I guess.

MOM
Well, I have to meet them first.

PAMIE
They’re coming to pick me up.

MOM
Well, have them come in and leave their license numbers.

PAMIE
Mom.

MOM
I’m serious. I’m not letting anyone kidnap my baby.

PAMIE
Mom, I’ll be fine.

MOM
Crazy people live in Connecticut.

PAMIE
You’re from Connecticut.

MOM
And?

PAMIE
Okay, I’ll have them come in and meet you.

MOM
And you call me when you get to where they take you and call me when you’re coming home.

PAMIE
Okay, Mom.

MOM
Can’t you just go out with Chris again?

PAMIE
He’s got some party with dancing frogs.

MOM
What?

PAMIE
Don’t ask.

MOM
Well, how do you know these people aren’t crazy?

PAMIE
Technically, I don’t.

MOM
And this is the girl you’re giving the monkey to?

PAMIE
Yeah.

MOM
How long have they been married?

PAMIE
They aren’t married.

MOM
You said they were married.

PAMIE
Oh, they are. Not to each other.

MOM
So, Rob found a babysitter?

PAMIE
I think his wife, Mom. He’s married. To a woman. Who isn’t the woman coming here.

MOM
Do you see what I mean about crazy Internet people?

PAMIE
Mom, they’re friends. That’s what you do with a friend. You go out at night together.

MOM
And pick up strangers from the computer.

PAMIE
Look, they know each other. This isn’t the scary thing for them.

MOM
That’s what I’m saying. You’re going in a stranger’s car with two strangers to a place you’ve never been and you think this is fun?

PAMIE
Well, now that you put it that way…

MOM
You wouldn’t even know if they were killing you in the ditch behind my house.

PAMIE
And I’m short.

MOM
What?

PAMIE
Nothing.

MOM
Why can’t you just go to Chris’ frog dance?

PAMIE
I never thought I’d hear that sentence.

MOM
These people are going to have to sit down and talk with me before you go anywhere with them.

PAMIE
Mom, do you want to come?

MOM
No, I’ve got work to do around here.

PAMIE
I’ll call you.
[/scripty]

I think Rob and Dana thought I was kidding when I said my mother thought they were taking me somewhere to kill me. And because my mother’s words always ring in my head because she’s always right about everything, every joke Rob and Dana made the first ten minutes about the roomy trunk, or just driving to New York and starting new lives made my head ring with my mother’s “I told you so! Crazy people!” Having said that, they didn’t make it any easier for me when they told my mom that they weren’t planning on killing me because of “all the killing [they] did last weekend.” I know my mom just sat at the house the entire time staring at the phone.

Now would be a good time to get the story from Rob and Dana as well…They got their side of the story up faster than I did.

I had a good time with Rob and Dana. I actually was trying to give Dana the most interesting monkey she’s ever been given. I thought that fell more in the “sweet” category than the “creepy” category, but apparently I was wrong. Dana must have thought I was trying to insult her monkey fetish. Also, I never got to tell Dana that I didn’t even notice her frequent need to pee since Eric does the same thing. He often says, “I’m over six feet tall, but I’ve got the bladder of a ninety-year old Chinese woman.”

I think Rob was a bit disappointed that I didn’t have a big ol’ hat and a big ol’ Texas accent. I could have faked one, but I’m not even sure how Texan I’d have to be to pull off that West Texas drawl he’s used to.

And the rest of the time was spent talking about journals and why people would want to live in Connecticut, and I’m keeping my mouth shut on all of that.

Usually when I meet an online friend I’m surprised at how they look a bit different than what I thought. Since Rob and Dana post pictures every day, I wasn’t that taken aback. They both were a bit taller than I thought they’d be. That’s about it.

And because I’d drink whenever I left the house with my mom, my cousin (and probably Rob and Dana) now think I’ve got a drinking problem. I swear, guys, it was just to relax for a second. Don’t make any calls to Charter for me, okay?

Man, look at that forehead on me. I’ve got to do something about that. I swear.