More Letters

mostly because i feel so scattered

Dear Handspring:

I have spent way too much time playing with you. I know that you are my newest toy, but my poor webcam didn’t even get a chance to snap a neat Cal photo before I left it standing in its own lens cap. I am experiencing a technology overload.

Love,
Pamie

P.S.: How do I keep myself from losing that tiny stylus? I keep putting it in my mouth absentmindedly and then I’ll put it down and forget it somewhere. It’s not like I’m turning into Ally McBeal, it’s just that I keep having to type things and then I lose the stylus.

P.P.S.: Sorry about the Ally McBeal reference. It’s because I was up late last night reviewing it for Mighty Big TV. Normally I don’t include her in my day to day jokes.

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Dear Squishy Forum:

I am spending too much time on you. Could you stop being so much fun for a day or so? I can’t stop until I’ve read everyone’s wu names. My office is a mess. It’s covered in stuff and I can’t get through it all. I’m trying to do too much at once.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Aspen, CO:

I’m a big whore. I’m coming in for a visit…say, right around festival time? Be gentle on me, as I’ll just be walking around looking at all of the things I didn’t get offered. If you could remember that I use humor and sarcasm to shelter my fragile ego, that would help. That way when I bitch about everything I see you won’t think I’m being ungrateful. Oh, and if this year you could have Jeanane Garofalo not look at me like I’m peeing on her leg, that would be really cool.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Cigarettes,

I miss you terribly. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t leave my office at work from the minute I show up until quittin’ time. I used to have friends around here. Now they’re all scared of me. It’s lonely around here. By the way, don’t think I don’t remember that the last time I started smoking after quitting was when I visited Aspen. I won’t be suffering through a 24-hour car drive this time, so hopefully I’ll be strong. Just stay away, and make room for your cousin Booze.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Radiohead,

Time for a new album. We can’t all just sit around drooling over OK Computer for much longer, okay? Chop-chop, kids.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Bills,

Shutup! I’ll get to you when I can, okay? Quit hounding me. It’s expensive being me right now. I went to the HOSPITAL, you know, you ungrateful little shits.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Cigarettes,

Hi! How are you? Just checking to see if you got my last note because I hadn’t heard from you. Not that I’m worried or anything, but I might have mislabeled it or something. Anyway, the letter wasn’t really all that important, just talking about how I miss you and stuff. Anyway… just checking in, and if you already got my last note, then I guess you don’t have to worry about this one because it’s all the stuff that you already read.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear iBook,

Quit hanging. Quit shutting yourself down. You aren’t impressing me. Stay cute.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Heather Graham,

Did you learn your lesson from Austin Powers 2? Okay, you can come out now.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Cigarettes,

Look, I really don’t know if you’re getting these letters or if you’re ignoring me. Just answer some sort of “I’m okay” sign and then I’ll leave you alone.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Magnolia,

Why didn’t you ask me to be in your film? I would have been pretty good. I also think that if you want Amanda Plummer to be in your film you should just hire her, because she would have been better in that part you wrote for her than that girl you cast with the leaky eyes.

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Cigarettes,

I realized that my last letter sounded a bit harsh, and I didn’t want you to think that I was mad at you. I’m not mad at you. I’m just worried. I’m not used to not hearing from you for this long. Maybe you’re mad at me, and maybe you’re not. I won’t know unless you tell me.

You know what? Just forget it. Just leave me alone.

I. QUIT. YOU.

Eh? How do you like them apples, Cigarettes?

So leave me alone, forever.

Love (because I still love you, I really do, you gotta believe me, I wish things could work out differently, I swear. I mean it),
Pamie

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Dear Therapy,

Tuesday sound good?

Love,
Pamie

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Dear Squishy Readers,

Yesterday Mike signed up for “old.” Right afterwards Stee took “short.” You’re running out of Self-Esteem Defeaters to send me on a regular basis. Sign up soon before Beth nabs“man-stealing hussy.”

Love,
Pamie

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