how to survive a journallers meeting

lessons i learned

1. Leave on time. Do not start looking for a copy of what you are planning on reading half an hour before you are due to arrive. Do not then accept a phone call that takes until two when the meeting is at two.

2. When you don’t leave on time, don’t drive like an idiot. Don’t drink with one hand, smoke with another and pop in that Beastie Boys tape. When the tape unravels all over your front panel because you’ve had it since the seventh grade, try not to burst into tears. Do not start trying to roll it back in at every stop light.

3. Know where the damn place is. Don’t just assume you kinda know where it is. You will miss the exit. While you are priding yourself on finding an alternate route, you will drive right by the place. On the third time down the road cramming your head back and forth, trust your instincts. If something tells you it’s probably by the movie theatre, it probably is.

4. Feel flattered when everyone in the line at the coffee shop says, “Oh, it’s Pamie! You look just like your pictures! It’s nice to meet you,” but don’t actually jump up and down and go, “Whee! You like me!” like you want to.

5. Have an answer when the coffee shop guy hands you your change and says, “So, uh, why are you famous?”

6. Read everyone’s journal that’s coming right before you go. Don’t assume you hadn’t missed anything in the past couple of weeks. You will get burned. “Well, pamie doesn’t know because she never reads my journal.” As you stammer the truth, that you’ve been too busy to read anyone’s lately, you will sound like a big liar.

7. Get introductions early. There’s nothing worse than sitting there an hour later thinking, “Wait, who’s that guy?”

8. When you see a dead bird outside the window, try not to look at it while someone is talking to you, no matter how much it’s starting to make you feel icky.

9. When Matt Sturges recommends the Alamocha at Texpresso, he knows what he’s talking about. Thank you, Matt.

10. Try not to look like an idiot. You know there’s going to be six digital cameras there, the least you could do was something with your hair. Jesus.

11. Be up on your journals. There will be journal talk. Know who they’re talking about. Feel good when you know who they’re talking about.

12. Know the awards finalists. Be ready to discuss how you feel about them. Try not to bring it up because you feel that people are going to be pissed at you. Feel really good when they aren’t.

13. Don’t look at your watch. When you do you’re going to be shocked that you’ve already been there two hours and it feels like you just got there.

14. Enjoy hearing the words spoken by the people that wrote them. Smile to yourself when you realize that the voice you had for most of them was dead-on.

15. Pick a shorter entry. Don’t be reading halfway though and think to yourself, “Damn! I should have brought in Ricky Martin.”

16. One Alamocha=pretty good buzz. Two Alamochas=talking faster than six girls at a Gap convention.

17. Shutup. You talk too much. You know you do.

18. Watch your mouth. These are people who write shit down. Don’t even try to exaggerate a story. They’ve already read it. Notice how nice every single one of them are when you start repeating a story they probably read a week ago. Try not to be such a dork.

19. You can’t just steal other people’s wallets. Some people will spill its contents, though.

20. Don’t be worried. You are going to have a great time.

21. When you see Stacy at the 7-11 later that night, think how bizarre your small world is.

22. Matt’s journal is called “Same as a Picture +/- “. Don’t cut off the “+/- .” There’s a reason.

Oh, and a new Get Real re-cap is live at Mighty Big TV.

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