mon dieu!

a letter from taylor.

Oh! Bonjour!

I did not see you sneak up on me like that. I was busy reading this very funny guy talk about his job. What is a fax? I don’t know, but iz funny, no? I like Stee very much. I think he’z a very nice person, with a very funny wit, yes?

You know what I do not like? Ih? Zee new thing in my house pamie calls a “Cal.” Pih! Pih! Just saying that vile word makes my Pounce come back up on me. What a horrible creature is this “Cal.” Pih!

First of all, he comes in completely unannounced. I did not get a little card, or a little note by my litter box– “Hey! New cat coming! Hide your shit!” No one said anything about this to me. I do recall a moment where pamie leaned over and mentioned something in my ear, but to me it sounds like “wah-wee-wah-wah-taylor-wa-wee-food-wah-wah-pet-wa-wah-wah-lillith.”

Oh, this “Cal”– Pih! This new creature is nothing like my sweet Lillith. She was the best, no? She would let me eat her puke ANY time of the day. This new thing does not puke for me. He does not leave me sweet hairballs of goodness! You know what he does? Do you know what he does to me? He waits until I turn around to go do something and then he jumps on my butt! He jumps on my pretty butt! I do not do that to him. Mon dieu. Taylor has more decency than that, yes?

And I am trying to make my own hairballs, but I can never get them quite right like Lillith could. Watch.

HIH! HIH! HIIIIIIIIH! HHHHHUUUIIIIIIHH!

Nothing. No green stuff. No orange stuff. Pitiful. I blame the new creature.

First off, right? First day, I go up to him and offer a very, very nice handshake butt sniff to him and what does he do? Does he thank me for letting him come into my home? Does he offer me some food or at least a squeaky toy? No! He lowers his ears and growls at me! At Taylor! I am not to be growled at. I’m Taylor!

I do not know what iz going to happen to this creature. But I’ll tell you one thing that is pretty funny, eh?

Here, come closer, or I’ll giggle.

He’z got no tail.

It’z just thiz little stub of a thing and it iz so funny, people, if you saw it, because what he does, right? What he tries to do with this pitiful stumpy furry thing is, he tries to WAG it! Oh! It just makes my belly shake with the giggles. He takes this little stumpy thing and he’s like, “Hello! I still have a tail!” Oh! So funny. It’s just kind of moving there not being threatening or pretty at all.

So, for that I like him. He gave me a good laugh. That and the big funnel on hiz head. I do wish that pamie and Eric had not taken it off so soon. Oh, it was funny. He looked like he got attacked by cheerleaders.

I have to go to the kitchen! I have to go to the kitchen now!

I am back. I just had to go for a second. The kitchen is still there.

Oh, but that creature. He iz clumsy. He iz weak. He iz sneaky, yes. He tries to get me when I am not looking. Now I will just keep looking. He tries to steal my laser pointer toy, but that little light is mine. He will not have it. I cover it with both paws so he can not see it.

Silly creature.

His no tail does give me an easier access to his butt, though. It’z important to sniff daily to know how he iz feeling, what his hopes and desires are, how much food he is getting…

But pamie told me that some of you were worried about me, so I thought I’d stop in and let you know that I am fine. I am doing okay, really. I do not know what pamie and eric were thinking about bringing this new creature into the house, but soon I will show him that I am the real boss of the house. He will catch on.

If not, I will poop in his funnel hat. Tee-hee.

Well, for some — what is that? what is that?

sniff! sniff! mmmmmm.

Sorry, I saw some carpet I just had to eat. I can not turn down the snacks, you know. Oh, you should have seen this bit of carpet I just ate, it was divine. Absolutely lovely. Just the right mix of sweat, dirt and fur. Nummy, nummy, nummy.

I would talk more, but right now I must run full speed into the bedroom and stare out the window. I am feeling a breeze and it is important for me to make sure that nothing is entering the house through the window. To make sure I will run full speed into the living room and then back into the bedroom window. If you’re fast enough, you can beat any intruder.

Thanks for stopping by.

Much love,
Taylor Dejardin

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