all hail korn

why next year it may be the KMA’s.

Excuse me, MTV tells us that today should be called 9.9.99.  So, tonight are the MTV Video Music Awards.  Another year of VMA’s.  Now, I won’t be able to see the show tonight.  I’ll be onstage.  However, I plan to make my predictions here, and we’ll see how well I do.

(I’m aware that these shows are taped, and somewhere I could probably find the answers, but we’ll just play along, okay?)

I will omit capitalization, as that’s what mtv.com wants me to do.

[db]

VIEWER’S CHOICE AWARD

nominees
backstreet Boys:  “i want it that way”
jay-z featuring ja rule/amil-lion:  “can i get a…”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
ricky martin:  “livin’ la vida loca”
‘n sync:  “tearin’ up my heart”
tlc:  “no scrubs”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Okay, the viewer’s choice awards are given by people calling into MTV and voting.  Who’s going to spend the time to call MTV and give their vote(s)?  Teens.  And who are the strongest teen market?  Teen girls.  I’m guessing that Backstreet Boys are going to take this one, since I bet Ricky’s already suffering some sort of backlash.  I’d give it to Ricky, but I really don’t think these are the best videos of this year.  Whatever, it’s not my opinion that matters.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Backstreet Boys

[db]

BEST NEW ARTIST IN A VIDEO

nominees:
eminem:  “my name is”
kid rock:  “bawitdaba”
jennifer lopez:  “if you had my love”
orgy:  “blue monday”

PAMIE’S GUESS

Really, that Kid Rock has taken things by storm.  Eminem was a quick flash in a bitch-hating pan.  Kid Rock is about the bitches too, but you know, he’s got that little guy, and in this Mini-Me loving summer, that’s going to sway him some votes.  Jennifer Lopez sounds like a cat wailing in that song.  That part where she wails, “I need to know” the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  I’m not kidding.  You’d think they’d have redone that part.  There are notes there that make me giggle.  I’d give the vote to Orgy, since that version of Blue Monday made me like the song for the first time ever.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Kid Rock

[db]

BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR

nominees:
backstreet boys:  “i want it that way”
lauryn hill:  “doo wop (that thing)”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
ricky martin:  “livin’ la vida loca”
will smith featuring dru hill and kool mo dee:  “wild wild west”

PAMIE’S GUESS
It’s nice that MTV remembered how much they’ve marketed Will Smith to give him a pity nomination here, isn’t it?  What an atrocious video.  I must confess that I’ve never seen the Backstreet Boys video or the Korn video.  I’d give my vote to Lauryn Hill, but MTV is going to see her as a Grammy winner and not an MTV winner, so I bet the vote is going to go to Ricky Martin here.  That song became a catch phrase.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Ricky Martin

[db]

BEST MALE VIDEO

nominees:
eminem:  “my name is”
lenny kravitz:  “fly away”
ricky martin:  livin’ la vida loca”
will smith:  “miami”

PAMIE’S GUESS

Only four nominees?  Okay… I still think Eminem doesn’t have a shot at this one.  First of all, he’s the only white boy, and his song was too offensive for people to give him a little moon man.  Let’s see, who would look the coolest holding the moon man?  Lenny Kravitz would probably just say some sort of downer thing.  Will Smith would go on about Jada again… then again, they could cut to shots of Jada smiling about how crazy her husband is.  Do we have Ricky come and get it so we could hear lots of screaming girls?  Oooh… this is a close one.  Since Ricky is going to get more awards, maybe this should be the token Will Smith award.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Will Smith

[db]

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

nominees:
lauryn hill:  “doo wop (that thing)”
jennifer lopez:  “if you had my love”
madonna:  “beautiful stranger”
britney spears:  “…baby one more time”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Oh gosh.  What a group to choose from, huh?  We’ve got two singers, eight tits, a nice ass and a cheerleader.  Who’s gonna take home the gold?  Well, clearly Lauryn has the best song on this list.  Although, Madonna has a catchy song with Mike Myers.  This is the summer of Austin Powers, remember, and since Mini Me is going to get Kid Rock some awards, it makes sense that Austin Powers will get Madonna one as well.  Britney would win this if it was up to some sort of viewer’s choice award or if for some reason the panel was exclusively male.  Jennifer Lopez.  Whatever.  I’ve already mentioned her caterwauling.  I think Madonna will take this one, on the power of her MTV legacy and the phenomenon known as Austin Powers.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Madonna

[db]

BEST GROUP VIDEO

nominees:
backstreet boys:  “i want it that way”
limp bizkit:  “nookie”
‘n sync:  “tearing up my heart”
sugar ray:  “every morning”
tlc:  “no scrubs”

PAMIE’S GUESS

“Okay, guys, we got the cute boys, the bad boys, the other cute boys to keep up the cute boy rivalry, the other cute boys that are kind of bad… what else do we need?  Shit!  Girls!  Uh… Oh, I miss the Spice Girls.  Shit.  Put up TLC.  Yeah, they’re a group, right?”

I remember that Sugar Ray song when it was called “Fly.”  I also remember when it was “Suavacito”  (My apologies on the spelling, I’m sure that’s wrong).   Look, this one is really a no-brainer.  Who made sure that Rapestock 99 happened?  Who is the favorite band of every kid who can’t listen to Marilyn Manson anymore because he’s gone way too weird?  Who’s the band that will make girls show their tits?  Limp Bizkit.  They don’t even need a midget to do it.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Limp Bizkit

[db]

BEST RAP VIDEO

nominees:
2pac:  “changes”
dmx:  “ruff ruder’s anthem (stop drop)”
jay-z featuring ja rule/amil-lion:  “can i get a…”
nas featuring puff daddy:  “hate me now”

PAMIE’S GUESS
I cannot believe 2Pac got nominated for another frigging video.  Hasn’t he been dead for like, five years?  This really is amazing.  He won’t win, though.  No way.  The real race here is between jay-z and puff daddy.  Here’s the deal:  “Can I Get A…” is a pretty catchy song, and people like to raise their hands in the air and shout “WHOOP WHOOP!”  They just do.  That’s something that jay-z has tapped into.  I can’t stand jay-z as I’ve mentioned before.  The problem with Nas and Puff Daddy is that they sent someone into the hospital because of this video.  Puff Daddy beat the shit out of some guy because the video had footage P.Diddy wanted cut out because he was on a cross.  I’m thinking if he was uncomfortable with the shot he was probably uncomfortable when they were putting him up on the damn cross and he probably should have said something then.

Regardless, MTV has no memory and holds no grudges.  The people who encouraged raping, pillaging and looting will win for best group video, and the guys who beat people silly with bottles and boots will not only win Best Rap Video, they’ll perform that “Hate Me Now” song on the damn awards.  And, yeah, if you insist, I’ll hate you now, P.D.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Nas featuring Puff Daddy

[db]

BEST R&B VIDEO

nominees:
aaliyah:  “are you that somebody”
brandy:  “have you ever?”
lauryn hill:  “doo wop (that thing)”
whitney houston / faith evans & kelly price:  “heartbreak hotel”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Well, on this entire list I’ve heard the Lauryn Hill song and the Whitney Houston song.  I’m guessing that they’re giving this one to Lauryn, and it’ll be the only one she wins the entire night.  I hope she tapes her acceptance speech.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Lauryn Hill

[db]

BEST HIP-HOP VIDEO

nominees:
beastie boys:  “intergalactic”
busta rhymes featuring janet jackson:  “what’s it gonna be?!”
lauryn hill:  “doo wop (that thing)”
tlc:  “no scrubs:

PAMIE’S GUESS
Now, you know they want to get Busta up there because he’s so crazy, but they also know that they never have to give him an award.  He’ll still show up year after year as long as they keep him baked in the back.  For that reason, he’s not getting any awards, even though his song has both an exclamation point and a question mark.  I’m afraid the b-boys aren’t taking this one, either, as they aren’t really that important to MTV anymore.  TLC, however…

ASSUMED WINNER:  TLC

[db]

BEST DANCE VIDEO

nominees:
cher:  “believe”
fatboy slim:  “praise you”
jordan knight:  “give it to you”
jennifer lopez:  “if you had my love”
ricky martin:  “livin’ la vida loca”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Fatboy’s gonna take this one, because the video was so funny.  Spike knows what he’s doing.  The other nominees are just there for dressing.  I swear, does anyone like that Jennifer Lopez song?  I know, I know, she’s beautiful.  She really is.  Oh, wait.  These are the MTV Video awards, aren’t they?  It’s not supposed to have anything to do with the song, per se…

ASSUMED WINNER:  Fatboy Slim

[db]

BEST ASS SHOT:  Jennifer Lopez

[db]

BEST RANDOM USE OF A SHOWER SCENE:  Jennifer Lopez

[db]

BEST TEASING OF MAYBE YOU’LL SEE SOME TITTY IN A SHOWER BUT YOU REALLY JUST SEE THE TOP OF HER HEAD:  Jennifer Lopez

[db]

BEST JOKE NOMINATION:  Jordan Knight

[db]

BEST ROCK VIDEO

nominees:
limp bizkit:  “nookie”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
kid rock:  “bawitdaba”
lenny kravitz:  “fly away”
offspring:  “pretty fly (for a white guy)”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Wasn’t “Pretty Fly (for a white guy)” like two years ago?  This year they were playing that Offspring song that just rips off “Ob-la-de, Ob-la-da.”  Anyway, just wanted you to catch a glimpse of Lenny Kravitz at his house:

[scripty]
LENNY’S MANAGER
Yeah, it’s you, Korn, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock and the Offspring.

LENNY
They know I’m not white, right?  I mean, we had this problem at the Grammy’s.  Why does this always happen to me?

LENNY’S MANAGER
Well, I think it was a good idea to sell that song to the car commercial.

LENNY
Yeah, me too.

LENNY’S MANAGER
And I’m really happy we decided to let Tommy Hillfiger sponsor your tour.

LENNY
I wish someone would kill me.

LENNY’S MANAGER
Yeah, so it looks like you could take this rock award.

LENNY
Are you on crack?  Of course I can’t take this fucking award.  I don’t beat women, talk about asses or bitches or tits.  I don’t misspell a bunch of shit, like my name or the name of my songs and shit.  The words in my songs are actual words and not shit I made up like some punk ass bitch who thinks he can scat.  I don’t yell and scream my lyrics to make up for the fact that I couldn’t sing a scale if I was standing on one.  I don’t tell anyone to stick a cookie up their ass.  I don’t have a fucking midget or a kid or whatever that little dude is up there.  I don’t have girls in bikinis.  In fact, Fly Away was just “Are You Gonna Go My Way” with a blue screen behind it so it could look like we were somewhere else.  I told you we should have had the video animated all like “The Wall” and shit.  Damn, man.  I don’t know why I listen to you.  Kid Rock is totally taking this one.

LENNY’S MANAGER
I’ve got six hundred dollars on Limp Bizkit.

LENNY
You’re on.
[/scripty]

LENNY’S GUESS:  Kid Rock
LENNY’S MANAGER’S GUESS:   Limp Bizkit.
PAMIE’S GUESS:  Korn

[db]

BEST POP VIDEO

nominees:
backstreet boys:  “i want it that way”
jennifer lopez:  “if you had my love”
ricky martin:  “livin’ la vida loca”
‘n sync:  “tearin’ up my heart”
britney spears:  “…baby one more time”

PAMIE’S GUESS
The cute boy bands cancel each other out here as well.  We don’t want teens pulling each other’s hair about which Justin is their favorite.  I think the real powerhouses here are Ricky, Jennifer and Britney.  Britney is too new, so I don’t think she’s got a chance.  So, it’s up to the nice girl butt or the nice boy butt.  Oh, if only they could share.  But they can’t, and Ricky is genetically perfect.   He’s a creature formed in a lab to make women drool and men question their own self worth.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Ricky Martin

[db]

BEST VIDEO IN A FILM

nominees:
aaliyah:  “are you that somebody”
jay-z featuring ja rule/amil-lion:  “can i get a…”
madonna:  “beautiful stranger”
will smith featuring dru hill and kool mo dee:  “wild wild west”

PAMIE’S GUESS
You know what really irks me?  Will Smith doesn’t even give Stevie credit on that damn song that he completely ruined, but he’ll drag Stevie’s smiling ass out every time he performs the song.  Poor Stevie.  He don’t know.  He don’t even know.  I think that even though the power of the “WHOOP!  WHOOP!” is strong here, Will Smith is going to take home his mandatory MTV award.  It’s in his contract, you know.  No one really liked “Men In Black,” but MTV made us think we did.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Will Smith

[db]

BEST DIRECTION IN A VIDEO

nominees:
busta rhymes featuring janet jackson:  “what’s it gonna be?!”
eminem:  “my name is”
fatboy slim:  “praise you”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
tlc:  “no scrubs”

PAMIE’S GUESS
That Eminem video is like a bad Benny Hill episode.  I’m sure that’s some sort of joke nomination.  Korn has a pretty good shot here, as I’m sure many people never saw Busta’s video, and people are done tired of Hype Williams despite using all of TLC’s… um… assets.  Fatboy Slim has the best video here, and certainly one of the most original ones of the year  (how many of you weren’t sure what you were watching when you turned it on half-way through the first time?).  I think Korn’s gonna get this one, though.   People freaked out about this video.  I’m so over it.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Korn

[db]

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY IN A VIDEO

nominees:
ricky martin:  “livin la vida loca”
fatboy slim:  “praise you”
will smith featuring dru hill blah blah blah:  “wild wild west”
britney spears:  “…baby one more time”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Okay, really.  Ricky can dance, but I think that that’s because Ricky can dance.  Not because someone is counting to eight behind him.  Now the real impressive choreographer here is Britney’s dance instructor.  Someone made that girl dance like she’s been fucking for fifteen years.  That’s a talent.  No one is going to take “Praise You” seriously enough.  “Wild Wild West”– was there dancing in that?  I know there’s always people moving around Will Smith as he lumbers back and forth, but I didn’t notice they were dancing.  I’ve seen so many little girls trying to do that Britney Spears dance move that it’s sickening.  Not as sickening as the little girl trying to be Jennifer Lopez in the video that makes tom cats come racing to your front door, but still…

ASSUMED WINNER:  Britney Spears

[db]

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A VIDEO

nominees:
black eyed peas:  “joints and jams”
busta rhymes featuring janet jackson:  “what’s it gonna be?!”
garbage:  “special”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
will smith:  “miami”
madonna:  “nothing really matters”

PAMIE’S GUESS
It doesn’t matter how much I want Garbage to take it, they won’t.  It doesn’t matter how much I couldn’t stop watching that Madonna video even though I didn’t like the song, it won’t win.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Korn

There’s nothing you can do.

[db]

BEST ART DIRECTION IN A VIDEO

nominees:
barenaked ladies:  “one week”
busta rhymes featuring janet jackson:  “what’s it gonna be?!”
lauryn hill:  “doo wop (that thing)”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
tlc:  “no scrubs”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Thank God someone recognized TLC for the art direction in that video.  How amazing was that video?  Who would have thought that a room with floor lighting and people in shiny suits with their faces distorting as they sing would be so captivating?  It was completely original and I applaud whoever it was that came up with that.  Who was it?  Hype?  Hype Williams?  Well, remember that name, people.  That’s a young man that’s going places.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Lauryn Hill

[db]

BEST EDITING IN A VIDEO

nominees:
2pac:  “changes”
cher:  “believe”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
tlc:  “no scrubs”

PAMIE’S GUESS
You’d think that this Korn video also told us how to solve the Y2K bug.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Korn

[db]

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY IN A VIDEO

nominees:

hole:  “malibu”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
madonna:  “beautiful stranger”
marilyn manson:  “the dope show”
will smith:  “miami”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Oh, gut instinct says to just give Korn the triple crown like no one has ever created a video of this caliber before ever, but I think the underdog here is poor Marilyn.  I really like the Dope Show video.  I’m just going to cross my fingers and assume.  Besides, MTV would freak if they couldn’t have Marilyn come on stage and say some weird shit.   Then Chris Rock could say something funny about him.  Oh, man.  I love the VMA’s.

ASSUMED WINNER:  Marilyn Manson.

[db]

BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO

nominees:

busta rhymes:  “gimme some more”
eels:  “last stop: this town”
eminem featuring dr. dre:  “guilty conscience”
fatboy slim:  “praise you”
korn:  “freak on a leash”
u.n.k.l.e.:  “rabbit in your headlights”

PAMIE’S GUESS
Enough with the freaking Korn already!  Jeez!  Okay.  Look, this is the way that MTV is all screwed up, but here we go.  All of Busta’s videos are breakthrough videos.  He does some freaky shit.  He’s never won before, he won’t win now.  The Fatboy Slim album will win somewhere else.  Korn will be so weighed down with other awards that they won’t be able to find the stage.

MTV is gonna pull a Neil Young here.  Remember when Neil Young won for Song of the Year for a song no one had heard?  “This Note’s For You” or something like that.  The reason you hadn’t heard it was because MTV banned it.  Now, it probably was the best video of that year.  It won, but it never played on MTV.

This year’s winner will be U.N.K.L.E. and I’ll tell you why.  It’s the first video in a long time that got a reaction out of me.  Eric and I saw it and we both jumped and screamed.  It’s really cool.  Now, the problem is MTV doesn’t play it.  Maybe late at night or something, but they already edited it from what it originally was.  They don’t play the video, but it will win.  It’s amazing.  I’m just warning you now.  Don’t get mad.  That’s the MTV way.

ASSUMED WINNER:  u.n.k.l.e.

[db]

BEST ARTIST WEBSITE

(before I give the nominees, let me just say, “What the fuck?”)

nominees:
red hot chili peppers
david bowie
jennifer lopez
massive attack
sheryl crow
smashing pumpkins
limp bizkit

Never mind that this has absolutely nothing to do with either videos or MTV.  Forget all of that, right?  Never mind that for some reason this category has seven nominees.  I’ll just take a stab in the dark here and say Jennifer Lopez will win.  I’m sure she’s been downloaded a whole lot more than limp bizkit.  And those boys that are downloading?  They’re doing it all for the nookie.  The one handed nookie.

ASSUMED WINNER:  The woman who puts the “ass” in “assumed”:  Jennifer Lopez

Now, I’m tired.  I hope that you have a good time watching the VMA’s tonight.  I’ll be somewhere else, but my thoughts will occasionally turn to MTV and remember fondly the days when there was a reason these videos were nominated, and it often had nothing to do with what they looked like, or how many bitches they could spank.

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