catching up on my mail

Dear Eric,

I am quickly starting to notice that it feels like I don’t have weekends anymore.  I rehearse every day and perform in the evenings.  Basically I now have a few hours on the weekends where the only difference in my day is I’m not at work but I’m somewhere else.

I’m not complaining, though, because I am enjoying the work that I’m doing.

But I do miss our time together.  I had a great time with you in our few stolen moments this weekend.  Thank you for being the best.  You’re my hero, sweetie.

And even though Taylor is squirming, he’s really enjoying all of the attention you’ve been giving him lately.   Remember how when we took him to the vet to get his test as we brought him in “Stray Cat Strut” came on the radio and we laughed?   I thought it was really sweet of you to try and feed those dogs that were outside Friday afternoon.  Don’t worry, I won’t tell the guys.  Don’t want you to get kicked out of the club.

I’ll continue your mission to get people to say “What’s the haps, peeps?” as much as possible.

But really, you’ve just been so understanding and loving though the past week of hell.  We even missed our 16 month anniversary because of it all.  I love you.

Thanks.

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Dear Tampax,

I’ve come up with a new commercial for your ad campaign.  I think there should be one with just a shopping cart filled with beer, sports magazines, cheese, lunch meat, white bread, juice, and aspirin all lumped together tottering over each other.  A small white arrow points to the middle of the pile and it says “Tampax was here.”  And then you see some man pushing the cart over to the express lane.  His eyes dart back and forth.  You hear:

[scripty]
WOMAN’S VOICE ON MICROPHONE
Price check on–

MAN
No.  That’s okay.  I’ll pay whatever.  Here’s twenty, is that enough?

See, Saturday night my boyfriend and I had this discussion:

PAMIE
I forgot we were out of detergent.  Sorry.  I’ll try and pick some up tomorrow.

ERIC
I didn’t even tell you about when I went to pick up your tampons last week.

PAMIE
There’s nothing wrong with buying tampons.

ERIC
Except there was like a mother and her teenage daughter in the line and they were standing in front of them.  And I didn’t even find the aisle right away because they keep moving everything around in that store and I didn’t want to ask.

PAMIE
Let me tell you something.  Buying tampons is one of the manliest things you can do.

ERIC
And then when I wandered back a few seconds later there were like seventeen women all standing in front of them and I couldn’t find the box because they changed it and they were behind a pole.

PAMIE
No one thinks they are for you.  All it says is that you have a woman at home and you’re a good man who takes care of her.

ERIC
Well, it looks that way if you just walk right up and throw a box in your cart, but I’m all standing there looking at hundreds of different boxes and I don’t know which pink and blue box is the best.

PAMIE
You got the right ones.

ERIC
Thank you.

PAMIE
I’ll get the detergent tomorrow.

ERIC
You know what tomorrow is, don’t you?

PAMIE
Of course I do.
[/scripty]

[db]

Dear Discovery Channel:

If you are going to insist on hyping up my boyfriend to the point of a frenzy concerning your annual shark week, my only request is that on the programs that you show during the shark week time slot focus on actually talking about sharks, and not the water and boats and the coral reef.  My boyfriend really does look forward to shark week every year and there’s a big brouhaha each and every time.  Last night I bought him roses and cooked his favorite meal.  I broke out our little shark toys and put them on the table.  And then you showed some “Live” feature that was supposed to be all about sharks but was mostly about the area of water you were filming from.

I’m tired of hearing the Eric Idle-sounding announcer say, “Now here we are, underneath this fabulous reef.  Notice all of the aquatic life that’s possible in this small section of land.  Quite brilliant.  Quite marvelous.  There’s a school of fish.  Look at that.  Incredible.  Hard to believe that this land won’t be around in thirty years and all of this fabulotastic life will have to find another place to call home.”

It breaks my heart to hear my sweetie have to yell at the television, “Less Schmaltzy, more Carnage!”

Saturday night he found out how much we spend for cable.  I’m trying to restore his faith.  Please, please stop showing heart-felt docudramas about how cool the earth is and just show some sharks eating things.  He asks for so few things.  Please give him that.

P.S.–  (Thank you for the Human Body series.  I really enjoyed it.  For some reason you never aired the fifth episode.  I wish you would.  I’d like to see that one).

Thanks.

[db]

Dear Monks’ Night Out,Thanks for making me laugh. I love you guys.

Thanks.

[db]

Dear Speedvision,

While I was thinking about how cable has affected my life, I was forced to write you a small letter to tell you to TURN YOUR FRIGGIN STATION DOWN!  There is no need for it to be that damn loud.  You have to understand that we have to watch it no matter what you’re showing.  My boyfriend likes it even when you just have that Eric Idle-sounding announcer saying, “Now, here in the garage, there’s really nothing more brilliant than looking under the hood at an actual Porsche engine and seeing what it’s made of.  Just look at the marvelous engineering.”

It’s lulling me to sleep but keeping me awake just enough to go mad.  It’s a female lullaby that’s set too darn loud.

Turn that shit down.

Thanks.

[db]

Dear H.E.B.,

I think you should enforce a no kids lane where you can go in and get your groceries without some kid trying to get into your cart.  If children want to lie on the floor and scream, let them do it in aisle two.  Not my aisle, buddy.

Thanks.

[db]

Dear Melty,Those little “friends” you have on the new design are the coolest.  I moved them around for like ten minutes or something.  You always amaze me.

Thanks

[db]

Dear Billy Blanks(TM),

I’m writing to tell you my disappointment, or perhaps to share my concern.  I won’t know until I hear from you.  Your tour of power and enlightenment was scheduled to come into my town (Austin, TX) two weekends ago.  I even had a small dilemma as to whether or not I was going to go to New Orleans, a city I had never visited, or stay in town to take your instructional and class that would have put me out thirty dollars.  I decided to try the new city, and in order to stay true to my and your fans (perhaps you’ve heard of pamie.com?) I had enlisted the help of one of my troupe members and one of your conquerors:  Andy.  He and Cody (another conqueror and member) were to buy tickets and go to your class and do a full report so that no one at pamie.com missed out on the Billy Blanks(TM) Experience.

How disappointed I was to find when I came home that there was no class.  Andy and Cody had tried to get tickets, but were told that the tour was “canceled indefinitely.”  What’s up with that, yo?  How could you let us down like that?  Andy said it was just like when we ordered the “Live” tapes and the Tae Bo people told me that I’d get one every month as long as you felt like putting them out.  Do we mean that little to you that you’d just keep us hanging like that?  Are we just victims to your little whims?

Well, shame on you, Billy Blanks.  Shame on you.

Unless you’re really hurt or sick or something.  In which case, please get better and back into kicking shape soon.  We miss our fearless leader.

Which one is it?  Are you sick?  Circle yes or no.

Thanks.

[db]

Dear Catsmilk(TM),

Thank you for creating a product that my sick kitty really loves.  Between you and Fancy Feast I have found a way to make my kitty want to eat.  The problem right now is with her congestion.  Whenever she lowers her head to eat or drink her eye starts running and she stops eating soon after.  I have found that once I put the food on a spoon and hold it in front of her head she’ll eat off of the silverware.  I’ve just got to find a way to let her eat with her head at eye level and then everything will be alright.  She now comes when I pull down a food dish, just like she used to.  Is your product fattening?  Because my other cat is eating all of the leftovers.  I guess I have to go back to feeding her with a syringe just to keep her head upright, but it’s a bit messy.  She ends up with most of it on her fur.

I like how the Catsmilk comes in a little juice box because for thirty seconds I had my boyfriend convinced that all you have to do to get the cats to drink it is punch a straw through the hole in the top and they just suck away.  That was pretty funny.

If you know of any way that I can get the cat to eat without lowering her head that she could do on her own let me know.  Yesterday she drank from her own water bowl.  We are all very encouraged by her progress.

Thanks.

[db]

Dear Office Voodoo Doll,

You aren’t working.  Please start working.

Thanks.