backwards jumping jacks

and why there’s a bruise on the back of my leg

I got the Tae-Bo Advanced Live 2 in the mail the other day and I tried it out on Monday afternoon when I was sitting around being quiet.  I wanted to hear Billy shout for a little while.

I was all prepared to write an entry about how Tae-Bo was getting easier and these Advanced Live tapes are wussing out.  I had finished it on Monday without even starting to cry once.  I was a little winded, but not like when you finish a normal Tae-Bo workout.  I was sure that of the Advanced Tapes I had, this was indeed the lamest.

And then I did it again last night.

Let me say that there’s a big difference in doing Tae-Bo after sitting around on your butt all day watching daytime television and comparing which Ricki Lake guest is just “all that” and which one is indeed “all that and a bag of chips,” and actually working all day and then coming home and trying to work out.

Last night I was schooled again by the World Famous Billy Blanks Training Center.  First of all, this is more of an aerobic workout than the other two.  I know that I called the last one aerobic, but I just didn’t understand the definition in Billy’s World.  In this tape there are moments where you are just jumping and kicking back and forth.  There’s double time roundhouse kicks that then go into back and forth roundhouse kicks with knee raises.  There are so many jumping jacks I was sure my sports bra was going to blow a fuse.  I was getting tired quickly.

There are stomach exercises that I just cannot do.  I just cannot do fifty crunches and then do full sit-ups from a reclining position where you lift one leg while you fling the upper half of your body into the air.

There are times when even the Tae-Bonians will not do what Billy tells them to do.  “Okay,” he says, “we’re gonna do a left punch, right punch, left kick, right kick, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack.”  And the rest of the guys behind him only do half of the combination.  Billy doesn’t even blink, he just does what they are doing.  We have to do these crazy hop things and then punch and run backwards, like I’m a member of the Steelers.  Not kidding– I saw my downstairs neighbor moving out of the house when I was working out.  I imagined that he was just sitting around and then heard me jumping up there for the umpteenth time and said, “Well, that’s it.  That crazy bitch has broken me.”   And then he just started loading all of his things in his truck and moved to Montana.

In one particularly aerobic set of moves you lift one knee, lift the other, kick, kick, and then do four jumping jacks while moving back into your starting position.  So I’m doing the knee, knee, kick, kick, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack and I’m feeling pretty proud of myself:

[scripty]
BILLY BLANKS ™
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!

PAMIE
Oh, yeah.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Again!

Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!

PAMIE
That’s what I’m talkin’ about, Billy.

BILLY BLANKS(tm)
Again!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!

PAMIE
No friggin problem, Billy.  Don’t be such a girlie!

BILLY BLANKS ™
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!

PAMIE
OH YEAH!

BILLY BLANKS ™
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!

TAYLOR
ReeeeeOOOOOOOOWWWWW

TABLE
Crash!

ASHTRAY
Flip!

BOTTLE OF WATER
Splish!

TAYLOR
Weeooow!

PAMIE
Ow!  Fuck!  Ow!

BILLY BLANKS ™
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!

PAMIE
Shutup!  I fell over a table, Billy!  Give me a second to fucking recover, okay?

BILLY BLANKS ™
Knee!  Knee!  Kick!  Kick!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!  Jumping jack!

PAMIE
I’m sorry, Taylor, is your tail okay?

TAYLOR
Fuck off.  I am so incredibly pissed at you.  You knew I always stand right behind you when you work out and you knew that jumping backwards was a bad fucking idea and you did it anyway and now my tail hurts and you spilled water all over me and–

ooh!  There’s Lillith’s butt.  I’m gonna go sniff it.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Come on now, I know you’re tired.  I know you wanna quit.  But DON’T GIVE UP!  DON’T QUIT!  YOU CAN DO IT, BABY!

PAMIE
You’re right, Billy.

BILLY BLANKS ™
ARE YOU WITH ME, BAYBEEE?

PAMIE
I’LL FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE, BILLY!

BILLY BLANKS ™
Now watch your voice, Pamie, you know you just got that back,

PAMIE
Right.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Keep that hip out when you kick.

PAMIE
Sorry.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Good.

PAMIE
So, can I ask you a question?

BILLY BLANKS ™
Sure.  As long as you do some shoulder to shoulder punches while you do it.

PAMIE
No problem.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Punch a little higher.  Good.  Now what’s your question?

PAMIE
Am I officially hallucinating now?

BILLY BLANKS ™
Yeah, that’s a pretty safe bet.

PAMIE
That’s what I thought.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Now, a lot of people want to quit when they start hallucinating.  Anyone can quit when they start seeing shit and their stomachs are all fucked up and their thighs are trembling and screaming.

PAMIE
Oh, Billy, it’s like you can see right into my soul.

BILLY BLANKS ™
I know, baby.  I know.  It’s hard.  Keep going, though.  I like what you’re doing there.  I wanna knee raise, knee raise, kick, kick, punch.

PAMIE
I think I’m losing my mind.

BILLY BLANKS ™
But don’t you think that’s a small price to pay for firm thighs?  Front kick, back kick.  Ready?  Go.

PAMIE
You’re right.  You’re right. I know you’re right.

TAYLOR
Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much when your fat ass falls on me.

PAMIE
You shutup.  Go sniff something.

TAYLOR
Bitch.

PAMIE
Pussy.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Oh, you really are tired.  That wasn’t even funny.

PAMIE
I can’t be funny and do double time round house kicks.  I just can’t.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
You just need to concentrate.  Here, let me help you with those kicks.

PAMIE
Oh, this is it.  I’m turning the tape off.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Are you sure you wanna do that?   Only fifteen minutes left.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
You can do it, Pamie.  I have faith in you.

PAMIE
Of course you do.

BILLY BLANKS ™
Just fifteen minutes.

PAMIE
Bring it on.
[/scripty]

So, I’m sitting very quietly at my desk today, as my butt is killing me.  It was some sort of fluke that I made it through the first time without any sort of pain.  I think I was only half doing it before, since the tape was new and I was watching the screen so much to keep up.  This time, however, I learned my lesson.

There is no easy Advanced tape.  I should stop looking for it.

And I shouldn’t do peyote right before I work out.

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