impulses

Last night. Eric is at the door, putting his wallet in his pocket, waiting for pamie to get off the couch so they can go eat dinner.

[scripty]
PAMIE
You know what? Be very happy that you are not a girl.

ERIC
I usually am.

PAMIE
I mean, be really happy.

ERIC
Why?

PAMIE
Because we have no control over our own minds.

ERIC
Uh-huh.

PAMIE
Well, I mean, I think everyone is basically led around by their hormones and endorphins.

ERIC
This is going somewhere? I’m hungry.

PAMIE
I’m coming. I’m just saying–

ERIC
Did I do something wrong?

PAMIE
No, it’s just… well, I was sitting here watching 20/20 and I was thinking about going to go have dinner and what I wanted for dinner, and how I should get up and put my shoes on, but I feel so comfy and then BAM! Right then my brain said, “I wish I had a baby.”

ERIC
Oh, man.

PAMIE
And I don’t want a baby, I mean, come on! What is that? What is that part of my brain that every once in a while tricks me into thinking that I want a baby?

ERIC
I really don’t know.

PAMIE
And you know what’s worse? Do you know why I wanted a baby all of a sudden?

ERIC
No.

PAMIE
I just thought how nice it would be to be lying on the couch watching 20/20 with a baby asleep on my chest.

ERIC
Oh.

PAMIE
And then I don’t want a baby. It’s like, just when I’m watching 20/20 on the couch. Then, when I get up and I’m getting ready to go get dinner– I don’t want a baby anymore.

ERIC
So, you just want a baby to cuddle every once in a while.

PAMIE
But I don’t even want that! I hate babysitting. I can’t be around kids for more than half an hour. I just wanted a baby on my chest just then. I don’t know why.

ERIC
I think that’s what we have Lillith for.

PAMIE
Probably.

ERIC
You still want a baby?

PAMIE
No. See? It’s gone. I don’t know what that’s all about.

ERIC
Pretty freaky.

PAMIE
I’m being serious here. You guys don’t have these life changing impulses. With you guys the little voice is like, “Look at that girl. Look at that girl’s ass. Ooh! Look at that girls’ tits!”

ERIC
Thank you for lowering our thoughts to grunts and thrusts.

PAMIE
Well, it’s not like– well, like yesterday when I was coming home from rehearsal. I got to my car and looked up at the tattoo parlor and was like, “I think I’ll get a tattoo right now.” Honestly, if I had enough money, I may have gone in and gotten one.

ERIC
I was thinking about getting a tattoo just yesterday, too.

PAMIE
I didn’t get one.

ERIC
Well, if you ever decide to act upon these impulses like getting a tattoo or having a baby, I would like for you to consult me first.

PAMIE
Don’t worry.

later, at dinner…

ERIC
I was reading your website today at work.

PAMIE
Oh, yeah? Did you read today’s?

ERIC
No, you hadn’t updated yet. It was yesterday’s.

PAMIE
Oh, because I was talking about how I’m not allowed to date anyone else.

ERIC
Oh, man. I hope you put in there the element of humor that was going on.

PAMIE
Don’t worry, you don’t sound abusive.

ERIC
Because I don’t want someone stalking me from your site.

PAMIE
Stalking you.

ERIC
Yeah, I mean, they don’t know my full name, do they?

PAMIE
I guess, maybe. Well, they know what you look like, and all.

ERIC
They know too much.

PAMIE
You’re out of your mind.

ERIC
Maybe you say too much about me. What if someone tries to kill me now?

PAMIE
I don’t believe this.

ERIC
I can’t leave the house anymore.

PAMIE
Why would they try to kill you?

ERIC
Because they love you and want you all to themselves.

PAMIE
It’s always about you, isn’t it?

ERIC
They could follow me from work, you talked about where I work—

PAMIE
Now, this is my stalker, why do they want to kill you?

ERIC
Because I get all the drama.

PAMIE
You can make anything be all about you, can’t you?

ERIC
I can’t believe you got me killed with your little webpage.

PAMIE
Uuup!

ERIC
What’s wrong?

PAMIE
I want a baby again.

ERIC
Eat your eggs.

PAMIE
Quit stealing my stalker.
[/scripty]

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