how to fake a football orgasm

So, the Super Bowl is on Sunday.

[scripty]
YOU
Really, pamie? Thank God you talk about current events, since I never stop reading your page, I’d just totally miss out on what’s really happening with the world! Thank you so much for keeping me informed.

You’ve turned bitter.

YOU
Maybe it’s you who’s bitter.
[/scripty]

Anyway, the Super Bowl is on Sunday, for those of you living under a rock, and I thought that I’d do a little service for all of you who really don’t care about the Super Bowl. I’m going to let you in on a little secret:

I’ve never cared about the Super Bowl

[scripty]
YOU
But, pamie! How can you keep such a wonderful boyfriend if you don’t like the Super Bowl?

PAMIE
I fake it.

YOU
That’s terrible.

PAMIE
No, it’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

YOU
You fake it?

PAMIE
Oh, come on, every woman has faked it for a man before.

YOU
Oh, man.
[/scripty]

I thought that this Sunday you could try out some of my tips on how to fake it like you mean it. If anything, it will give you something to do. Not every game is exciting. That’s a given. And it’s hard to feign excitement on a game with two teams playing where you know absolutely nothing. But I’ve studied men in this situation. They are watching a game that they wouldn’t normally watch, but it’s Monday night, and “the game” is on, so they are watching the wide screen. Do you know what they do? They talk about other games. They reminisce about games that they have watched before to take their minds off the game that they don’t really care about that’s on right now. They argue about who “looks good” and who is “looking better” and who “might make it.”

Those are three very important phrases. Remember them.

There are certain rules about watching the game. If you break any of these rules it will be obvious that you are faking it, so remember them.

XXXIII Rules

1. Don’t walk in front of the television while the ball is in play.

2. Don’t walk in front of the television while they are doing an instant replay.

3. Don’t walk in front of the television while the ball is at the line of scrimmage (that’s when all the guys are standing there in a squat facing each other with their butts in the air). The only way you can pass in front of the television at this time is if you run.

4. Walk in front of the television during the commercials.

5. If you are in a place that is flipping to another game when the commercials are on never walk in front of the television.

6. Offer beers to everyone every time you get up. Not only will you be considered the coolest gal there, your boyfriend will be considered the luckiest guy and then he’ll feel so proud of you you can pretty much count on some cuddling later (unless his team loses.)

7. Always root for the team that your boyfriend is rooting for. If possible, wear a shirt of his with the team logo.

8. Know the quarterbacks names for both teams. You can learn them at the beginning of the game.

9. Be familiar with shouting the phrases “bullshit” and “pussy.”

10. When a flag goes down, it is time to start shouting reasons that the flag was thrown. Try “Foul!” “Pass Interference!” “Facemask!” The boys will yell too, don’t worry. You will all continue arguing through the ref saying why the flag was thrown and then you will all stop and ask, “What was the call?” and then it will be too late and you will all start arguing about what the call must have been.

11. Anytime there is a foul against your team it is time for you to yell, “Oh, that’s BULLSHIT!” Just like that. Try it. It’s fun. I like to say it at the bank when they say, “It looks like you have five dollars in your account.”

12. Do not, under any circumstances, at any time, say: “Oh, man, look at the rug. It’s getting filthy.” Don’t do it. I don’t care how many chips they grind into the nap. You want to be cool, right? It’s not cool to obsess about carpet weave. Don’t do it.

13. Never cry over spilled beer.

14. It is called a touchdown. That’s worth six points.

15. Then they try to kick a field goal. That’s worth one. Generally they will get the field goal. If it is a close game, they may try for two points. I’m not going into this here, I’m just telling you if it is a close game and one team gets a touchdown, say out loud, “Do you think they’ll go for two?” This will cause a boy debate about field goals and ranges and red zones and things you don’t need to worry yourself about. Just sit back and say, “Oh, yeah.” Then you look cool. Oh, yeah, girlie, we’re gonna make it through this.

Wait! This just in. I’m wrong. It’s called an extra point. The field goal is when they can’t make all the downs in time– that’s too much explaining! Forget it! Field goal– three points. Extra point– after touchdown. Continue! (thanks, frank)

16. If the boys are really upset about some play, ask them what happened. They will be more than happy to shout to you the injustice of the last play. Let them vent. It helps (and saves your carpet more wear).

17. Do NOT attempt to kiss your boyfriend at any time during the game. Do NOT go “TOUCHDOWN! KISSES!” You will not get them, and people will hate you.

18. NEVER TOUCH THE REMOTE CONTROL. IT IS NOT YOURS DURING THIS GAME.

19. You don’t need to know every athlete. Just know a few. You probably know a few right now. You need to be able to throw them out occasionally just to sound like you know what the boys are talking about. A few of my favorites are Kordel Stewart (Pittsburgh Steelers), Troy Aikman (Dallas Cowboys), Scotty Pippen (I’m just kidding, don’t do that. He plays basketball. For the Bulls. You will be kicked out of the room. It was just a joke.)

20. Here is the athlete that makes you sound like you know your shit. Ready? Vinnie Testaverde. (vin-ee test-a-ver-dee) Is that a great name, or what? He plays for the Jets. Just say things like, “Well, he’s no Vinnie Testaverde,” or what I like saying is, “Well, I was really comparing it more like Vinnie Testaverde.”

21. Know that being a girl means that if there is an argument about sports and it is all tied up, even if you know you are right, they will say that you are wrong. There have been times that I have been right where because I was female I wasn’t as right as they were. Example:

[scripty]
CHUY
Man, I’m excited.

ERIC
The season!

This means the basketball season, which was under negotiations for a while, so at one point people thought there wouldn’t be any basketball this year. That’s NBA, now, not college. If you said, “No basketball,” a boy would quickly correct you with, “Well, no NBA. There’s still basketball.”

PAMIE
Yeah, doesn’t that start tomorrow?

CHUY
No, man, I’ve been watching it all day.

ERIC
It started yesterday, right?

MATT
Well, that was an exhibition game.

CHUY
So was today.

PAMIE
So, when do the real games start?

CHUY
Tomorrow.

ERIC
Yeah, tomorrow.

PAMIE
So, why was I wrong?

CHUY
The season already started.

PAMIE
But there was that exhibition game a month ago or something, so did the season start then?

CHUY
No, the season starts with the games.

PAMIE
Tomorrow.

CHUY
Well…

PAMIE
So, basically, if Matt had said what I just said you guys would have all gone, “Well, yeah, really it starts tomorrow, but I’m excited I saw some basketball today.” But since I was the one who said it, you guys are all like, “Well, technically you’re wrong.”

CHUY
Shutup, you girl.
[/scripty]

You just have to deal with it.

22.You are supposed to be happy about overtime. It means more football.

23. If someone in the room is betting a lot of money on the game, keep quiet. Don’t say a word. In fact, you may not want to stick around and watch that.

24. XXXIII means thirty-three. That’s roman numerals. Just in case you didn’t know. It is not the “x-x-x-i-i-i” game. It’s the 33rd Super Bowl. (You never know what level of experience you’re dealing with here…)

25. Do not talk about who is cute and who isn’t.

26. Do not ask everyone to “keep it down.”

27. No talking about work.

28. When they stand up, you stand up. When they high-five, you high-five.

29. If, like me, you’re ever in a situation where you are in a public place and your boyfriend is standing in the middle of the bar shouting “Don’t fuck with Jerome Bettis! You cannot fuck with the bus, my friend!” it is completely okay to pretend you do not know him at all. In fact, that’s a good time to sit at the bar and look like you want someone to buy you a drink.

30. I don’t care how persuasive they sound, it is not tradition to take off your shirt if there’s a turnover. You don’t have to do it. Don’t listen to them. Unless you want free drinks.

31. Know the two teams. Denver and Atlanta. Know those cities, girls. Very important.

32. You will probably have to sit through the pre-game, and the post-game festivities, which involves a terrible film of some guy making the super bowl ring. It’s okay to laugh at the pre-game stuff, it is not okay to laugh at the post game stuff. It is okay to laugh at John Elway crying again, it is not okay to laugh when they mention Michael Jordan retiring (trust me, it’ll come up. They will compare John Elway retiring to Michael Jordan retiring. They will compare every retirement for the rest of our lives to Michael Jordan. They are thinking of changing the word to just Michael Jordan. Once you are fifty-five, you can Michael Jordan.)

33. This is the last game of the season, so kick back, relax and enjoy. But if you are wondering how much aspirin to pack– you have to get there, have the pre-game stuff, the game, and the post-game stuff– you’re looking at a good six hours. Have a blast.