size does matter

i just want to impress you with my length

When I was younger I remember daytime television being really interesting. I could watch five consecutive hours of talk shows. Now I couldn’t sit through five minutes of Sally or ten minutes of Ricki before I started looking around the house for something to do.

So, what I’m saying is: I’m bored.

We had a good rehearsal last night. I made something for everyone to do that didn’t require talking, and everyone seemed pretty into it, which is always nice. You always think, “What if they think this is stupid? What if they think I’m wasting their time?” I just wanted to put some fun back into rehearsals.

My voice is coming back. I’m still keeping quiet, to be sure. There’s parts of my range that are still gone– anything in the higher pitches. But my normal voice is there, just a little shaky. So, another day of no talking and just sitting still. It’s enough to drive you mad. I just want to go to work. Can you believe that? I wish I was working, because sitting at home alone is driving me nuts.

Although, I think that I would like working at home. I mean, if this was where I did my work. I could deal with that. But right now I don’t really have anything to do, just a few things for the show that I’ll take care of as soon as I finish this entry– but if I had like six hours of work to do a day at home, I could really get it done. My home is a place where I get inspired. Now, my office at work is where I do most of my writing, so what I’d have to do is find a way to make my at home atmosphere match my at work atmosphere. A couple of bookshelves, a little more lighting, and I’d be good to go.

It’s getting so bad I may even go into work this afternoon, just to putter around and not talk. The thing is, I know I’d talk. My voice just didn’t get any better until yesterday when I spent about fifteen hours straight not talking. By last night, my voice sounded better. That wasn’t happening when I tried to live my life as I usually do for the past week. It just didn’t improve. But yesterday, after being so quiet, you could tell that my vocal cords were improving. Make those karaoke reservations…

Since I stayed home all yesterday and didn’t talk, not much really happened. We tried to watch The Butcher Boy, but I really couldn’t follow most of what was said. The kids screamed most of their lines, and every other line would be in such a severe accent that I would miss it. Plus my patience is at a bit of a lower level since I’m not smoking. Oh, yeah, I’m still not smoking. This is day four. I sort of feel proud, but it’s kind of an empty proud, like, “Oh, well, I didn’t smoke. Who cares?”

How boring has this week been? Let’s see. Everything is about me quitting smoking or me losing my voice. In my head that’s a lot going on. Outside, and written down? A little boring. A little bland. Not too much excitement and charm. But, that’s been my week.

I have a lot to do on the show that’s coming up in April. Somehow we need to write forty minutes of sketch. My cast has dwindled down to about nine or ten, which is funny, because when we got turned down for Aspen it was because there were eighteen of us. Now I’m having problems just having a full cast for this show. New sketches must be written. Funny things must be made. I wish there was some sort of workshop or camp I could send them all to for a weekend to get them really charged up about what we are doing. Knowing us, though, in about a month, when the deadline can be pictured more realistically, things will jump into action. Whether it is enough time or not remains to be seen.

I cooked all of my meals yesterday. I didn’t eat out once. That has never happened to me since I started living on my own. I cooked three times yesterday. Can you imagine? Amazing. I must have saved fifteen dollars. Plus the three dollars from the cigarettes… This week alone I’ve saved thirteen or fourteen dollars on cigarettes. My plan is to save all of the money in a jar and find something I really want to spend the money on to reward myself for not smoking… clothes, a new chair, maybe a web cam? I figure three dollars a day in a year makes $1095. That’s pretty good, right? Like my own little 401K.

The only times Taylor shows me affection is when I’m on the computer or I’m just waking up. Both are times when I really can’t just sit there and pet him. He knows this, and that’s why he can act like, “Oh, now you want to pet me? I was just asking you to pet me earlier, but you were sooooo busy. I think that now I am too busy for you. Just a little too busy.”

So, if this week in my life is pretty dull, would you like to see what would be happening if it was nine years ago? Here’s this week from my journal, 1990. I’m fourteen years old. Keep this in mind, I’m fourteen years old. I will transcribe just as I spelled. I will change boy names to protect the innocent and prepubescent:


Here’s my idea. If my sister thinks that this is Geometry, she can’t, well, won’t want to read it. Right now, I’m listening to The Beastie Boys (Paul’s Boutique) and thinking about Jerry, that incredibly georgeous guy on my bus. I can’t believe he saw me staring at him. That was embarrasing. Mom had piles of clothes on the floor when we got home w/ directions of how to clean them on each pile. Super. Dad says it’s “mandatory” that I cut up that frog. Why? Isn’t it my decision?! I man, I have rights– don’t I? God, he just thinks that I’m a stupid teenager, well, I probably know more about what’s goin’ on in the world than he does.

Got a hair cut yesterday. I hate it when no one notices. Well, nothin’ much happened today. I hope that twerp doesn’t sit in that seat next to Jerry tomorrow. I swear, I practically flew out of class to my locker and to the bus and I was, like, the 6th person on and THAT GUY WAS STILL IN THE SEAT! So, I sat in front of them and kinda angled myself that so when I looked at Kari I could still look at him and maybe he’d start up a conversation or something BUT NO!! I was looking at him and of course he looked at me and he’s like “Oh God she’s looking at me!!!” Damn. Now he probably knows I like him, cuz I saw him in the hall earlier today and he was like ignoring me. Maybe he didn’t see me. God he doesn’t even know my name. I think Jane is going to tell Robert I like him and then he’ll tell Jerry and then I’m definately screwed. Crap. I hope he likes me, otherwise I’m going to have a very embarrasing semester. Well, maybe Jane won’t ask him. See, I don’t really know if his name is Jerry. That’s just what Kari said. But she’s pretty sure, and I think Jane is talking about someone else. Whatever. I guess I’ll go now. Gotta watch Colin Quinn.


Let’s see… what happened today… Hmmm… Showed Kyra what Jerry looks like, she laughed. I’m mad at her. Today Ben tied his hands or something in his shirt and I was laughing at him and he was laughing too. Then Ben did something strange and I looked at them kinda funny and Jerry looked embarrassed. He looks so cute. He’s really nice too. Well, I guess Dennis would be pleased, I’ve “gotten over” him.

That twerp was in my seat again! I think I’m gonna sit on the other side tomorrow so I can see him better. Or maybe the twerp won’t be there. Fat chance. Well, I have to go, I don’t understand my Geometry, and I think Amy can tell me how it goes.


I’m talking to Amy right now. She wanted me to mention her name in case I forget later. So, her name is Amy Simkins and right now she’s popping a zit and examining it’s contents. We are talking about how John’s (Jerry’s name– he told me– more about that later) last name could be spelled: Grey or Gray.

Story on John:

He got on the bus and it was my “goal for the day” to ask him what grade he was in because Amy and I saw him opening a sophomore locker. So, I asked him and he said, “9th.” and I said “oh” and he smiled and waved his hand in a circle and said kinda funny, “and you…” he looked cute, it was funny. So I told him I was in ninth and he said, “Isn’t it just great being a freshman?” And I go, “it’s a great honor.” Well, later I asked his name– he was sitting alone because Ben has detention– and he said “John” and I told him I heard it was Jerry from Kari and he said it was really his name but people call him John. He said his last name is Grey– or Gray– we’re not sure. Anyway, he was listening to me talk to Jenny and he was laughing. So, maybe he thinks I’m funny and maybe he’ll ask for my phone number! I doubt it though. I shouldn’t work myself up so much. I mean, he’s just a guy– a great looking guy– but still a guy. I showed him to Christy and she looked kinda funny. She was expecting a Johnny Depp lookalike. Johnny Depp, he’s not, but I’ve gotten so nuts over him that I’ve taken down all of my pictures and have the rest on the back of my door. I’m glad my room doesn’t look like Amy’s. I have just five J.D. posters and a few pinups. Nothing as bad as Amy’s. I worry about her. I mean, she’s never going to meet the New Kids.

I got bored in History today and wrote three poems:

When he was a child
And spilled his milk,
He’d look away
And hope that his problem would leave.

It wouldn’t.
And he was punished.

When he was a young man
And got bad grades
He’d look away
And hope that his problem would leave

It wouldn’t
And he was punished.

Now he’s a man
He’s spilling toxic waste
He looks away
And hopes the problem will leave

It won’t.
And he will be punished.

Please remember that I share these things with you people because I trust you not to send them to Hard Copy if anything ever happens to me and I get famous…

Poem #2

Once a year they’d meet–
To discuss the problems they had.
The first year they struggled to color in the lines.
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The second year they struggled to tie their shoes.
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The third year they struggled to get good grades
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The fourth year they struggled to find out why the sky was blue.
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The fifth year they struggled to understand boys.
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The sixth year they struggled to understand life
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The seventh year they struggled to find out why the sky wasn’t blue.
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The eighth year they struggled to learn about the rain forests
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The ninth year they struggled to learn about the ozone layer
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
The tenth year they struggled to fight for their rights
The eldest- Betsy- taught them.
For twenty years more they would meet
The eldest- Betsy- would teach
But the thirtyth year Betsy was stumped.
They were struggling with war.
Betsy had no answer.
She had nothing to teach.
“Peace is in your hearts.” she said.
“Peace is in your minds.”
That was the first year they left without their problem solved.

What I like here is the exceptionally brilliant “Betsy” who can EXPLAIN LIFE! But, hmmm. War? Now that’s tricky. Man, I was such a hippie.

Poem #3S

he went to english- a language
And learned about a language
She went to math- study of numbers
And learned about numbers
She went to Geology- study of Earth
And learned about the Earth
She went to History- study of the past
And learned about the Past
She went to Chemistry- study of Chemicals
And learned about Chemicals
She went to Oceanography- study of oceans
And learned about the oceans
She went to Mythology- study of myths
And learned about the mythological gods
She went to Biology- study of life
And was asked to kill an animal
Something didn’t fit.

I really didn’t want to dissect that frog. I got my lab partner to do it while I just sat there. 1-25-90

John was absent today. Kari, Jenny and I were talking about how it wasn’t the same without him, even though he doesn’t talk. We said it had something to do with his aura. I hope he’s here tomorrow.

I pissed off Christy today. I was telling her how much I dislike her mother today, and she really got pissed off.

Yeah, I guess so! Jesus! I told her I hated her mother? What kind of person am I? I need to clean my room. It’s pretty messy. Let’s see, I have three tests tomorrow. Yuck. And I have to turn in a major grade paragraph in English. OH well, who needs sleep, tomorrow is Friday.

P.S. The twerp wasn’t in my seat today– OF COURSE!!


Once again I am writing while talking to Amy who is searching for yet another zit to pop. It shouldn’t be a long journey. I just had to explain my joke to her. She’s kinda dense.

And I’m the best friend anyone could ask for. Saw John at school, but he wasn’t on the bus on the way home. I think he had detention, and Kari, Jenny and I were talking about how much we missed him and that stupid ugly jerk James looked at me and said, “Why do you wanna fuck him?”
And I go, “who?”
“John who?”
“The guy that sits here, the wierdo”
“yeah– he’s not wierd!”
“You like a wierdo.”
And he starts telling Ben that I like John. And Kari starts making faces at James. He’s so ugly.

Saw Tremors tonight. It was okay. I sat with Melissa and Tara. Tara said she saw John, and I spent forever looking for him. She said she saw him with Kari, and I stopped believing her. But, I never saw him, and Kari found me later and told me he was there and she told him the aura story. I wanted to tell him that.

Saw a preview for Crybaby. I can’t wait to see it. Johnny looked so cool. Well, off to bed. I love John!


Ho-hum. Boring Saturday. Tomorrow I’m going to go to Amy’s so that she can make a videotape for the New Kids on the Block. I found something in the paper today saying about how Johnny Depp went to Rome to visit Winona Ryder, and who much they are in love. He’s supposed to love me! Well, I’ll just be happy with John. Since it sounds like no one but me likes him anyway, I probably have a chance. I hope so. I really hope so. I keep having daydreams about John. That’s when I know I have a crush. When I start having fantasies. I can’t really say I love him, because I hardly know anything about him. Well, I wanna fantasize about John some more, so I guess I’m going to go to sleep. Pamela Grey. Pamela Gray. Sounds pretty cool- eh? Na, sounds like I’m Jennifer Grey’s sister. But in 10 years, who’s gonna remember Jennifer Grey? Johnny Depp will. I bet he’s gonna marry Winona Ryder. Or at least get engaged. He’s notorious for broken engagements. I feel sorry for him.

Can’t wait until Monday. My top two reasons are: to see 21 Jump Street and to see John. Which is more important? I don’t know. They are pretty much both daily requirements. Now it’s 10:37 and if I don’t get some sleep, I’ll regret it because Amy is calling me at 10 tomorrow morning and I still have to write my interview questions for the New Kids Videotape tomorrow. See ya.

I suppose I could comment here, but really, I think you already made your own jokes. 1-28-90
Made Amy’s NKOTB tape today. It was pretty funny. The NK’s are going to think that we are completely out of whack. Oh, who cares, it’s not like I’ll ever get to meet them or anything. I hope I get to see John tomorrow. I hope Ben gets detention again, because then I have an excuse to talk to John. Amy is on the phone talking about the New Kids, making excuses for Joe’s ugly pictures. The lighting, yeah right, Amy. Face it, he’s a dog.


I just remembered something I forgot to mention on Friday. I saw the Space Shuttle fly by our school. It was cool.
Today I talked with John, Susie was bugging him and I kept telling him to just slap her, but he just smiled and said no. He has a nice smile. I like him a lot. Amy thinks he likes me. I wish! Gotta watch Jump Street….

He’s so sweet, he wouldn’t even slap a girl under peer pressure. Now, that’s a guy you could fall in love with. If only I knew a single thing about him, like HIS NAME! I’m depressed. In the past two hours, I’ve been on such a roller coaster of emotions that I am exhausted.

Jump Street made me laugh hysterically and cry like a baby five times.

The uncle died on Alien Nation.

Again, I’m just not commenting on that one. But my most screwed-up emotion… Amy won the contest with New Kids On the Block! She gets to meet them, go backstage, be on TV, and get a limo ride to the show! I can’t believe it! I am so happy for her.

The only thing that would make me completely blow my mind would be to get a phone call from John or Dennis. I don’t think I could handle that. I definatley couldn’t handle that. John looks like Billy Wirth.

I am out of breath and my hands are trembling. I gotta call someone. Normally I’d call Amy, BUT HER PHONE IS BUSY! I’M GOING CRAZY! I’m going to cry. I’m shaking so bad. AHH! I’m going mental! I’m listening to some music to calm me down. Edie Brickell. and Skid Row’s “I remember you.”

Oh, I got pieces of the Berlin Wall today. Poland was officially freed from communism. That’s all, politically, I guess.

So, there you go. Where were you when Poland was reunited? I know it was a special time for us all. No East/ West Krakow anymore. Just happy Polacks. I still have those pieces of the wall, a friend of mine’s sister’s boyfriend was there and he brought back large chunks. Obviously they meant a lot to me.

So, if this was nine years ago, instead of hearing me talk about quitting smoking and laryngitis all week, you could have heard about Johnny Depp and Jerry/John Grey/Gray. I wonder why I hated Christy’s mother….

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