why you can’t take me anywhere

Anatomy of the Weeknight Mindset

9:00am– “I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday. Man, it really feels like Thursday. What a long week.”

11:00am– You look forward to lunch time, since then you are halfway through with your day.

1:00pm– You are very excited that you will go home soon so you can take a nap.

3:00pm– You decide to have a coke or two to make it through the end of the day.

5:30pm– Driving home, you can barely keep your eyelids open.

6:00pm– Finally home, you are wired from the caffeine, and decide to watch a little television.

7:45pm– Wake up with drool on your chin. You must have dozed off during The Simpsons. You were in some sort of coma, and all you remember dreaming about is being interviewed by Barbara Walters.

8:15pm– Dinner.

8:30pm– “I wonder what everyone else is doing tonight?”

9:00pm– You find out that they are all down at the neighborhood bar. You would like to stop in and say hi, but you don’t want to stay late, since you do have work in the morning.

9:15pm– You decide to stay in, since that way you know you’ll go to bed at a decent hour.

9:16pm– Besides, the house is a wreck, anyway, you really should clean things up.

9:17pm– And there’s that book you wanted to finish.

9:18pm– Oh, and there’s a great Biography on A&E

9:19pm– “I just squealed about a biography on A&E. What the hell is wrong with me?”

9:20pm– “How much money do I have in my wallet, anyway?”

9:21pm– “Oh, that’s not enough money. I’m really just going to stay in. That wouldn’t even be enough for a pitcher of beer.”

9:25pm– You put a load of laundry in the machine.

9:30pm– “But I think Chris owes me ten bucks. That’s enough for more beer.”

9:32pm– You are in your car singing along to “1999” like you haven’t heard it before.

9:45pm– You show up at the bar, and everyone shouts your name. You get a slight rush from the love that is coming from this table. These are the best people you’ve ever met.

9:46pm– These are the people that you are going to remember and love for the rest of your life.

9:47pm– “Chris doesn’t have that ten bucks, that lousy cheap bastard. I hate him.”

9:50pm– Your new best friend in the entire world, Mike, has offered to spot you for the evening.

10:10pm– You are on your second beer, and you are swapping jokes back and forth with your friends.

10:30pm– “Wow! It’s only ten-thirty! It feels much later than that. I can still drink!”

10:45pm– When you are in the restroom you realize that you don’t have to get up for work for another ten hours. You are doing just fine.

11:30pm– A heated debate begins at the table if Andie MacDowell actually has an ounce of talent or just a smidge of talent.

11:45pm– “I can’t believe Mike liked her in Short Cuts. What an idiot. I hate him.”

12:00am– Unexpectedly, Ted shows up and wants to tell all of you about his recent vacation. Another round of pitchers is purchased.

12:30am– “Wow. It’s so cool that Ted gets to go out and do all of these things. And he bought my pitcher! What a guy. What a peach of a man.”

12:41am– You spill a pitcher all over the table. You have a new love for Chris as he cleans up the beer without a bat of an eye.

12:53am– “Okay, okay. Spain this and Spain that. What an asshole. Shutup already with the Spain! Ted thinks he’s so much better than everyone else.”

1:02am– You and your friends sit still for a second as a lull falls over the conversation. Chris takes this opportunity to go home, saying his girlfriend is gonna wonder where he is.

1:05am– You and the rest of your friends have a toast to “Not being whipped.”

1:22am– “Oh, man. When did I get drunk?”

1:25am– “I can still get seven and a half hours of sleep. I’m fine.”

1:32am– You win the “longest pee” contest in the restroom.

1:45am– “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S LAST CALL? WE JUST GOT HERE!”

2:00am– “Are you guys hungry?” Mike asks. What a guy.

2:35am– You are fifteenth on the list for a table at IHOP. Not too bad.

2:50am– “I have never been hungrier in all my life.”

3:00am– “I should work off this buzz I’ve got.”

3:02am– “Can I get a cup of coffee, please?”

3:15am– “I can still get five and a half hours of sleep. No biggie.”

3:16am– “I guess that’s if I fall asleep right here at the table. Well, by the time I get home, it’ll be like five hours of sleep. That’s cool. I’m fine with that.”

3:18am– “Another cup of coffee, please.”

3:25am– “Shit. I forgot I didn’t have any money. I’ll go call my credit card 800 number and see if I have any cash left on it.”

3:29am– Guess who’s got thirteen dollars to kill? You buy your buddy Ted his eggs for being such a swell guy.

3:45am– That asshole Mike needs a ride home since Chris left him at the bar and he was his ride.

4:10am– “I forgot Mike lives on the other side of town. Why did I offer to take him home? WHY?”

4:15am– “Four and a half hours of sleep. Cool. I used to do this in college all the time.”

4:28am– Home. Finally. Home sweet home.

4:30am– “That cat looks like he needs a good petting. I love my cat. Oh! Seems Like Old Times is on. I love Chevy Chase.”

4:48am– You decide that you really should go to sleep. You fall into bed.

4:49am– “Did I set the alarm?”

4:50am– “Okay. I did. Good.”

4:51am– “I should set it for a little later, since I need to get some sleep. I’ll set it for nine, and then I’ll still get four hours of sleep.”

5:10am– “Why can’t I sleep? Jesus. I need to get to sleep.”

5:23am– “Damn that coffee.”

5:32am– “I wonder if I can call in sick tomorrow?”

6:00am– “Did I set the alarm?” (fumble, fumble, fumble…)

9:00am– “Oh my God that alarm is loud! Snooze! Snooze! Snooze!”

9:07am– “You know, I don’t have to be in until ten. I don’t need to take a shower. Snooze.”

9:14am– “Okay, to get out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth and get dressed it will take about five minutes total. I’m out of the house by nine thirty. Snooze.”

9:45am– “Oh, my God! I slept through the alarm! What happened?”

10:00am– You call in late, mumbling something about a flat tire. You pop two aspirin and gag slightly at the thought of breakfast. You are sure you’re coming down with a cold.

10:45am– “Yeah, that was a lot of fun last night. You bet I’m hungover. Tonight? Sure. What time? Eleven? See you there.”

10:50am– “I’m such an idiot.”

You know what’s funny? I was just looking through an old entry about me trying to make pumpkin seeds, and what’s funny about that is I never made them. I spent all that time trying to find out how to make them, and about three weeks ago we finally threw out that pumpkin. Still whole. We never carved it, never made anything out of it. We just had a pumpkin sitting on our kitchen counter for three months. I swear, if the cats didn’t make noise they’d just sit at the foot of the bed for months at a time without one scrap of food.

Oh, man do I have a headache this morning. Too many blue margaritas last night. They have a two drink limit at this place, that’s how strong these drinks are. I had two. I feel bad. Sometimes I’m just so dumb. I felt fine last night though, I really didn’t think I was going to have this headache today.

We had the first readthrough of my new play last night. That for me is the most terrifying part of the entire rehearsal process. They were teasing me because at one point I said, “So, you know, my job here is to listen to you guys read, and if there’s anything that you find retardo or whatever you let me know and I’ll fix it.”

“Retardo?”

And I was like, “That will be our code word. When Summer was like, ‘I don’t like this line here,’ she didn’t say, ‘I find it a little retardo,’ so I knew that she didn’t really mean it and she was really just uncomfortable with herself.”

The playwright will find a way to justify anything. Anything.

But really I just sit there with my stomach in knots waiting to see if the actors hate it. Sitting on every line hoping that they are laughing at the right parts, that the lines don’t sound forced, that they are genuinely interested in their roles. And last night seemed to go just fine. But I’m still convinced that I should never write another play each time I hear the first read through.

The second most scariest thing? Opening night. Luckily I have three weeks before that event, so I can rest a little easier on that for now.

I had no idea so many people sang to their cats. That’s what you learn with an online journal. You think you’re the freak, and then you learn that everyone that reads you is secretly a freak, too. I’m just the one with the big mouth.