i’m a stinky, award-winning bitch

So, right now I’m supposed to be in the shower, getting ready for round two of Christmas shopping… but I stopped to check my e-mail, yada, yada, yada– I’m making an entry.

And although I haven’t heard about Aspen yet, or heard from my manager about the promotion, I did win this today:

So, no matter what, today, I’m a winner. Thanks, Beth.Man, I’m smelly. Ew. Got to get to that shower.

And now I’m here in my computer room instead of cleaning my body and getting ready to go, so I’m sort of throwing the entire day out of whack… well, at least the next five hours. Because after that, nothing is planned. It is all dependent on the phone calls that I will receive today.

If we go to Aspen… I will do the show tonight.
If we don’t go to Aspen.. I will go to the company Christmas party.
If I get the promotion, but we don’t go to Aspen, I will go to the company Christmas party.
If I get the promotion, and we go to Aspen, I will go to the company Christmas party.

But for right now, the only thing I know that I’m doing is Christmas shopping.

Oh, you guys would be happy to know that I played perfect “bitch” etiquette last night. I’m sort of out of practice, as I rarely have to whip out my claws, but last night I had to…

We used to be friends with this woman.

I knew her before Eric did, and when she first saw him she said, “Oh, your new boyfriend is cute. Let me know when you’re done with him.”

Ha-ha, heh-heh…

Anyway, the last time I saw her she was pretty much perched on the shoulder of Eric like a drunken parrot, bobbing her head up and down towards his crotch waiting for the perfect moment. I was giving her the hairy eyeball that night, but too much beer makes the harlot go blind, as they say, and she never noticed that I was sending her back off signals. It was as if I was completely invisible.

That night, as Eric and I were leaving the party, she actually stopped him to tell him that if was ever tired of me to give her a call.

And that was the end of that friendship.

She tried to resolve things with e-mail, “I think I did something stupid the other night, blah, blah, blah. I didn’t mean any disrespect, blah, blah, blah… I still want to stay friends even though I cannot stop staring at your boyfriends ass.. blah, blah, blah…” And I never spoke to her again.

Until she walked into the restaurant last night.

She stayed friends with friends of mine, but we never really ran into each other. I looked at Eric: “What was it you were asking me last night?”

“About what?”

“About whether I’d fight a girl ever.”

“Yeah, are you okay? You feel alright? You look a little flushed.”

“My blood is boiling.”

She actually pulled up a chair and talked about her date. Not to us, she didn’t dare look at us, and I kept my face directly forward looking at my friends and not her.

I don’t know if that was the polite bitchy thing to do. That’s what I was going for: polite bitchy with a slight twist of class. Knowing me it came out deaf moron with a touch of dork. But maybe, just maybe, I iced her where it hurt.

I mean, who gives their phone number to their friend’s boyfriend right in front of her?

Evil. Pure evil.

Now, other times I have used the claws generally I was drunk. This one party this girl was hitting on everyone’s boyfriend. The whole night I kept hearing her voice, “Oh, you’re so funny! Pam must laugh and laugh and laugh!”

The next time we had a party (two months later) she was staring at my boyfriend. “You look really familiar,” she said to him.

“He should,” I said to her. “The last time you were here you were hitting on him all night.”

She was embarrassed, and so was the host. I felt vindicated. I felt that I had stood up for all of the women who politely sit back and decide their men should handle the passes and turn these women down. I didn’t want to sit quietly by sending poison daggers from my eyes anymore. I wanted to pop off my Lee Press Ons and grab some hair like I see on Jerry Springer. I wanted to throw some skank ho down.

But I probably just looked like some drunken slut pissing on her property in front of everyone.

I’m just not a very good bitch.

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