I’m losing my mind.

I’m going to Hollywood in a couple of weeks to perform/audition for a cable company (sounds like “ItchKnee, Yo”). My troupe is going and we are putting on a little show for them. That’s how some people refer to it. The “little show.” Like I’m still in the third grade and my mom is making me a costume of a giant milk carton. I guess it’s hard to explain what it means when it looks like we’re scrounging together all this money to go and we’re hoping that they notice us. That makes it look like a “little show.” That and the show is only 45 minutes long.

In any event, I’m terribly nervous. Just a few of us from the troupe are going, representin’ as a whole.

I want to keep telling myself that this is just another audition, and I should keep myself in check and not to sweat it and everything, but I really feel that if I lived on the West Coast, it would be easier for me to think of this as just an audition, but since each of us is paying, like, a thousand dollars to go perform for 45 minutes, it really ups the personal stakes.

And makes me have insomnia.

And makes me have terrible dreams.

Number of dreams where someone in the troupe kills someone else in the troupe: 4
Number of dreams where we were lost and never made it to LA: 3
Number of dreams where we forget all our lines: 1
Number of dreams where everyone votes to kick me out: 1
Number of dreams where we all live out our ultimate fantasies of getting cast/hired: 0

That makes me nervous.

A haiku, I think, in these nervous times:

I’m crampy again.
And concerned about our trip.
I need a big nap.

What’s even more bad timing is the bridal shower at my home this weekend. Not my shower, my friend’s shower, but still…

Okay, I’m making a confession: I’m not really good around women.

“But pamie,” you say, “you are a woman!” I know that, but for some reason, I get nervous when it’s just a group of women in a room. I never know what to say, where to put my hands. I never know when to “ooh” or when to “ahh.” And if relatives are involved, forgetaboutit. I’m gonna say the wrong thing trying to be “funny,” and insult some bridesmaid or aunt of groom. There’s no doubt in my mind. I never know what to say around these people that most of whom I’ve never met. I’ve always wished I could just be a part of the bachelor party, because I know most of those guys and I can make them laugh, and I can make fun of them.

Oh my God. I just realized why I get along better with men that women. The teasing. The constant teasing. You can joke with a guy about him looking like a dork or screwing up a conversation, but when you do it to a woman, there’s this feeling like you’ve just really insulted her, and now there’s this competition between you. I’m not saying all women or anything. I’ve got women friends I can joke around with, but never the mean slaps that my guy friends and I do.

Another part of it is my total fear that I will ruin someone’s wedding. Even if it’s just the shower, that’s a part of the wedding experience as a whole, and I know my dumb mouth is going to screw it up somehow. Like knowing when to joke about things and who you can say things around… I’m terrible at that. “YOU KNOW! LIKE THAT TIME YOU STOLE THOSE PANTIES FROM THAT GARAGE SALE AND YOU GAVE THEM AS A GIFT!”
“Oh…she gave them to you? No, I don’t think we have met.”

Never fails.

So, this weekend, I’m trying to strenghten a touring show, solidify travel plans, and shower a bride in love.

Number of dreams where I lose the bride’s ring: 1
Number of dreams where my comedy troupe shows up at the wedding and does a sketch about the bride sleeping around: 1
Number of ways I’m freaking out about the next month: 16

Share your dreams.