boxed in.

“The Kattbank (via Design*Sponge, of course) is very pretty, and it comes in a satisfying array of colors, but at a whopping $1750, my sphincter says what? Also, do our friends want to sit atop a bench packed with feces? Don’t answer.”

Evany is on a hilarious search for the perfect litter box.

worlds colliding

While Evany thinks it’s the coolest thing to excuse out of an art show by saying you’re busy last-minute shopping for a ball gown, I think it’s much more awesome to do all first introductions with people you idolize by shouting, “I HAVE GO BUY COOKING OIL!

And it’s true that only AB would email me to say, “I need you to go to Silverlake and buy me some art.” It makes me look over my shoulder, because how did she know about the art show that Evany and I had just been emailing about while Evany was still in Oakland? How did AB, who lives in LOUISIANA know that Evany was coming to Los Angeles and planning a trip to Silverlake to the obscure little art show? She didn’t, but when I said I wasn’t going, but I thought maybe Evany was, how did she find a way to call Evany? And then how did she get Evany to become an art dealer for the evening, and purchase a piece for her to send to LOUISIANA?

How? Because Anna Beth is the puppetmaster.

Oh, you think you’re just sitting there living your life. You think that, but you’re wrong. And one day, you’ll be called upon. Just be ready, because Miss Chao don’t cotton no fools.

heeeeee.

When the movers were moving all my boxes into the house, one of the boxes started making a low buzzing sound, and the nice and burly mover who was moving it said, what do you have in here, like a toy dog or something? And I looked at him, confused for a second, then I guess a look of blushing panic spread across my face because he kind of barked an embarrassed sort of laugh, then he scurried off to the other room with the box still buzzing. When he dropped it to the floor, the buzzing stopped, and from across the house he yelled out, everything’s okay now! And then, with head averted, he went back to the truck for another load of boxes (and, clearly, to share the good news of a confirmed “Code V,” or whatever name they have for it, with the other movers).

I love you, Evany.

nerves.

It’s like a tennis ball got lodged somewhere underneath my ribcage, just above my diaphragm. That’s what it feels like after I eat. The only thing that makes it feel better is jamming my hand under my ribs, pushing in on my stomach. I don’t feel sick, I don’t have anything but the sharp pain that makes me feel like lying down in my chair.

This has been happening for the past two weeks. Continue reading

i hurt my feet for him

This is the cell phone conversation I overheard this afternoon:

“Yes, well, if you want four bridesmaids and then yourself, it’s one-fifty for each bridesmaid, and then for you it’ll be about four hundred, unless you want an up-do, and then it’ll be closer to five or five-fifty, depending on what you want. Now because you’re thinking about adding your mother — another one-fifty — that might mean we should add another person, so we can get them done all at the same time. That would be another four hundred. And if you want makeup, that’s one hundred per, so add another five hundred — six, with your mother. Now your wedding is at eleven, and you have to get there early, which means you’ll have to come over at 7:30 in the morning. They’d open early for you, which would add another four hundred. So are you all set to book?”

And THIS is why I’m doing my own hair and makeup.

I did my own hair and makeup tonight. Right now, in fact, I’m sitting over here, looking super hot. This past week stee said to a friend of mine that he has a thing for girls in boots and skirts. Now, I’ve never been able to fit in a pair of boots and have missed this boot craze. But the boy is marrying me, and I’ve never been this size before, so I figured I’d suck it up and risk the potential humiliation again. Last time only Evany had to witness the embarrassment. When I finally found a pair that would go over my calves, a complete stranger walked by and said to me, “Those look cheap.”

Anyway, this time I had my pick of the boots, and I found a pair that I like. Hair, makeup, skirt and boots — I walked out into the living room with did a pose I picked up from some jeans commercial from the eighties.

stee gave a quick sideglance from his Grand Theft Auto game. “You’re sexy,” he said.

“The magic is over.”

“What? Don’t say that. I said you looked good.”

“You barely looked.”

“I don’t need to look.”

Yes, you do.”

And now I’m updating my website about it, because we’re late, because stee is still playing his game even though we were supposed to already leave.

Twenty-two days until we’re married! And then these are the only boots he can look at forever.

…Maybe he didn’t see the boots. I bet that’s it. He never got past the hot rack. The boots will be a pleasant surprise later.

being eric malkovich

it’s just a quick portal jump

Yesterday afternoon.
Inside Eric’s head

D’oh! I forgot to get cat food again. Maybe pamie picked some up. “Mmm-him-hmm-hmm-heehmm Water! She’s got, duh-da, duh-da-im-him-hum, Lady!”

I love this song. Oh, quick turn! Pamie would have closed her eyes when I made that turn if she were here. Let’s see, do I remember my lines for tonight? No. That’s okay, I’ll learn them. I’m the line master. Linealito.

Continue reading