Tilda Whirl: TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT JON HAMM.

Me: HE IS DREAMY AND WAS WEARING A SUIT AND AT ONE POINT WE MADE EYE CONTACT BEFORE HE POINTED BEHIND ME TOWARD THE BATHROOMS BECAUSE I GUESS HIS FRIEND HAD TO PEE.

Me: AND THEN ANOTHER TIME I TOTALLY PRETTY MUCH MAYBE “ACCIDENTALLY” FRONT-FROTTAGED HIM WHILE SAYING “EXCUSE ME.” I said “excuse me,” so it’s okay.

Tilda: Armov and I have a Hamm obsession so I am copying it to her as well

Me: He looks exactly like Jon Hamm. Sadly, I didn’t get a chance to smell him.

Tilda: I bet he smells like leather jacket.

Me: Yes. Leather Jacket and kitten fur.

Tilda: Armov is appalled you did not chloroform him and drag him to us. APPALLED!

Me: He is very tall. I would have had a hard time dragging him. What with being on top of him taking a nap because he was out cold. I would make him sleep-cuddle. That’s not technically assault, is it?

Tilda: mmmmm hammnap

Me: My friend Heather said, “You need to go up to him and pitch him Hammie Dot Com.” And I was like, “Hammie’s Jammies. That’s what I want him in.” They have a suit front and a little martini glass dangling off one sleeve.

Tilda: OH MY.

Me: I stared at Jon Hamm for so long Bob Odenkirk came by with this confused look on his face. I think he was thinking I was giving him the sex eye.

Tilda: Dear Bob Odenkirk: you would be awesome were Jon Hamm not RIGHT THERE.

Tilda: you know he doesn’t wear underpants, right?

Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

Tilda: JON HAMM DOES NOT WEAR UNDERPANTS

Tilda: he does not care for them

Me: you made that up, but I like that you did.

Tilda: I did not.

Tilda: If you have looked at all the photos of Jon Hamm that Armov and I have looked at, you would come to the same conclusion that we have. Man does not like the underpants.

Tilda: We have spent HOURS of valuable work time doing research

Me: …This is why you are not invited to places where he is.

Tilda: … I know.