I Watched Too Much Lost (No Spoilers)

I just think that many hours in a row of one thing is kind of bad for the brain. Like, Clockwork Orange bad. My dreams last night were ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that I woke up during one of them and had to write it down. For you. Please don’t miss the ending, as it has a very special guest star.

Okay, so Kate, Jack and Sawyer are walking through the jungle when Jack casually mentions he wishes he could have some Chinese food. Kate smirks and says, “Follow me.”

She leads them down this windy, rainy path until she pushes through two trees and uncovers: Chinatown. They wind through the crowded streets and into a Chinese restaurant. Kate finds a table around a corner where they can eat protected from being seen. Jack, breathless from the journey, looks at Kate as sweat rolls down his forehead. “Nice work,” he pants. She smiles.

But before they can take a seat, this big Bubba of a dude waddles over and says that this is his table, and that they can’t just come over and sit. He and Sawyer trade white-trash jokes for a few seconds before Bubba makes his demands: they can sit there, but he’s going to have to get a kiss from Kate.

At first Jack and Sawyer are all, “No way” and “Over my dead body,” but then Kate gets all cocky and says, “No, it’s fine. Of course he wants a kiss. Because it’s the only thing he’ll ever have that’s worth something. He can’t even earn it, he has to take it, because he’s spent his entire life going from one miserable failure to another.” As she gets closer and closer to him, staring him down, she lists off a number of things Bubba should be ashamed of, ending with, “And despite all of his self-assumed talents, two failed productions of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

This is when Bubba shouts, “That first time was a rights issue!”

And you guys, I think I laughed in my sleep.

So anyway, something happens and Kate gets kidnapped by the Bubba, who locks her in a room with a gigantic, human-sized chicken. (It was supposed to be some kind of wooing attempt.) And then something happens where Jack and Sawyer are trying to rescue Kate from the big chicken room and they press some button that makes something happen and the perspective shifts to me watching this on television.

And on the screen there’s a spinning book with that tense violin-music playing in the background. The book stops and on the cover it’s this Friday the 13th Jason mask, all covered in blood. And in the corner of the book it says, “Class of ’83.”

I shout, “OH MY GOD.”

My phone rings. It is Anna Beth.

“I still have ten minutes before it’s over!” I tell her. “Don’t ruin the ending for me!”

“I won’t!” Anna Beth says. “Okay, but call me back quick because I am stressing out!”

“I know, this is intense!”

And then my favorite thing that Anna Beth’s ever said happened. “PA’AM!” she wails. “How are they going to get out of a YEARBOOK?!”

I love that so much. I woke myself up at that moment and was chuckling about it, then had that weird, hazy moment where you think, “Wait. Did I just create a really good episode?” Then you think, “No, asshole, there was a giant chicken in the room,” and then you realize how silly it was, then you remember that they are trapped inside a yearbook and you type it into your iPhone to write it in your blog, because even though most people really don’t want to hear about your dreams, you get to do whatever you want in your blog. It’s the trade-off for having the word “blog” attached to you.

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