oh, no.

The dangers of my Topeka hotel:

And new to the list, after the final round of allergy scratch tests:

pollens, or Why California Is Killing Me:

California Black Walnut
Olive Tree
Bermuda Grass
Cypress (like you wouldn’t believe. my arm was livid!)
Brome grass
Alkali rye grass
Perennial rye grass
Kentucky blue grass

Airborne Allergens, or: How My Bedroom Is Killing Me (Also: why i can’t sleep):

Chicken feathers
Duck feathers
Goose feathers
cat hair (just a little)
dust mites [oh, my. big time.]
horse hair
house dust
guinea pig
hog hair

So, no more horses and pigs in my bedroom. So much for fun.

For the next three weeks, I have to make my bedroom like a place where John Travolta would live, without the boy. I’m Julianne Moore in Safe, having to cover my pillows, mattress and box spring with protective covers, buy an air filter, dust three times a week, and wash everything i sleep with in really hot water. it says i shouldn’t have books in my bedroom, but eff that. it says i shouldn’t sleep with the cats, but i will start with the mites because i love my cats.

He diagnosed me with Hay fever, Hives, Food allergies and Asthma, which is pretty much what I’ve known for the past ten years, but i didn’t know all the fancy names, and just what stuff i was allergic to. Now the fun part starts where i wait three weeks before trying one food at a time from the banned list until we find out what stuff was making me break out in hives.

My least favorite part of every school year was creating a Science Project. I always tried to find some bullshit way to get through it — like the year I “proved” it was harder to ride a skateboard on sand than on the street. How hilarious that my life has become a science project this year.

Hypothesis: there will be a breaking point where i give up on all of these doctors, books and advice and just smoke crack.

Leave a Reply

Comments (


  1. Jon

    I’d steer clear of smoking crack if you have asthma. Maybe something in an injectable heroin?

  2. Jacq

    I’m getting visions of you having to live in a bubble soon! Just shave the cats …!

  3. Lis

    There actually is this stuff you can get at the vet that reduces the alergins in cats, but in reality, your immune system gets used to your cats so you probibly only get “irritated” if they are really in your face or something, so yeah, Cats are the least of your problems, be ware of the dust mite… have you searched to find a picture of these buggers blown up? They are effing scary!

  4. Dave

    Maybe you’re just allergic to Fergie …

  5. pamie

    I can’t believe AB and Allison haven’t made a joke about how I’m allergic to blue grass. Because I’m totally allergic to blue grass.And Dave, try all you want: I love the Fergie song. I’ll only love it for another month or so. Be patient.

  6. nv

    As washing your books really hot is probably out of the question, you might try another trick: frost them. After a day or two in the freezer, mites are just as dead. Not gone, just dead, so this is not the perfect solution, but it’s better than trying to ignore them.

  7. amy

    Ok, this is going to sound totally freaking insane, but, have you tried accupuncture? See, I told you it sounded insane, but WAIT! My aunt had horrible, horrible cat allergies to the point that she would get BLISTERS ON HER EYEBALLS if in the same room with one for more than a few minutes.Then, she found a cat. Or, I should say, the cat found her. She decided that she wanted to keep the cat, and on the recommendation of one of her friends, she went to an accupuncturist. After two treatments, her allergies were gone. The accupucture guy also said it works really well for any other type of allergy as well. You might want to give it a shot. I can’t imagine a life where in I had to live in a bubble and couldn’t eat bread.

  8. Fellow Woogie

    Hives blow. No reason for hives blows even harder. Stupid reasons for hives blow the hardest. I’m apparently alergic to the cold, cool breezes, cold water, cooling sweat… Don’t think i’m eliminating any of these from my routine any time soon. Fingers crossed for a reasonable conclusion.

  9. nellymom

    I hope you’re a better cleaner than I am :) I put up with the dust mites because I hate dusting. But we do have the mattress and pillows covered, and we wash our sheets in hot water. We got them here: http://www.natlallergy.com/Default.asp?bhcd2=1157485916Does it help? Beats me. Good luck.

  10. Kymm

    My favourite allergen from my test is cockroach dander. Who knew cockroaches have dander?

  11. Viv

    Allergy tests are torture; I had all the needle sticks in my back, and they were all negative, and then I had to have all the really big needles all up and down my arm, and they were all negative. But at least I don’t have to live with the allergies every day, but no one knows why I have such sinus problems… Oh well.

  12. Lauren

    Argh, I totally hear you. I had the same god-awful scratch tests back in middle school and found out that I was allergic to pretty much everything. Cue the crazy cleaning and carpet removal and my mom covering all of my bedding in weird plastic-lined sacks and then giving away my cat. Then cue 10+ years of allergy shots and various meds that made me alternately sleepy, cracked out, and/or bloated.And ya know what? NONE OF IT HELPED. My allergies are as bad today, at age 28, as they were at age 12. The shots did nothing. The weird plastic bedding sacks did nothing. I’m convinced the entire allergy industry is a giant scam. For reals.I hope you have better luck with the whole thing than I did, but should you become frustrated, I suggest the following:1. CVS generic brand Claritin-D2. Family-sized boxes of kleenex placed strategically around your house/office/car3. And never, ever let them take your cat

  13. anabell

    Nothing to do with this entry but it’s the first with comments. Pamie: your books (3!!!) are available at epalm or whatever the name of the books for palm site is. Do you get money from those? because I’m thinking of buying them there and avoid amazon gazillion shipping charges.In fact, do you get money per book sold? I have no idea how paying a writer works. Just because sometimes I buy books because I like the author even the books are not too good thinking he/she will get more money. True or false?

  14. pamie

    Anabell:It works like this. You get an advance to write the book. Once the publisher makes back all the money spent making the book, then you start receiving royalties. But the advance is usually equal to the amount of books they think they’ll be able to sell, which means unless your book’s a hit, you probably won’t get any royalties. Perhaps in the next year or so I might start receiving royalties on the first novel. Here’s hoping. So yes, buying the ebooks or the paper books both put cash in my account, which maybe one day will pay off.