I’m not a Fergie fan. To the point where when someone mentioned that Fergie had an album coming out, I was skeptical that Americans would be interested in listening to an album by British Weight Watchers royalty.

The first time someone told me about Fergie’s new song, that is exactly what I said back. “How did this happen? Is it a novelty song?”

After a five-second pause, the friend gave me some seriously sad eyebrows and said, “From the Black Eyed Peas?”

Here’s what I think. I don’t know what kind of breakthrough they’ve had in the science of beats and how the combination of rhythm and repetition can make changes on our brains, but I think the Black Eyed Peas are behind all of it. They are the band the government’s using to see if they can numb us into drooling drones.

I’m understanding how it happened more and more. See, the Black Eyed Peas started as a very different kind of band, a little underground, so they could gain some attention. And then they added The Girl, who was the actual robot who secretes the brainwaves that make us start to accidentally rock back and forth to a song as stupid as “My Humps.”

I’m getting ahead of myself.

“Let’s Get It Started” is where they… got started. I now associate that song with all kinds of sporting events getting underway. I also notice it makes people jump up and down or at least nod their heads, even when they don’t like the song, even when they hate the song.

“Hey Mama” is also rather hypnotic, and that’s the one where we were first introduced to Robot Fergie’s hips. This was to see if their videos could control our minds as well. And since they could, we were given:

“My Humps.” An experiment in extremes. The most annoying alarms and whistles throughout a song that is filled with absolutely ridiculous lyrics. This is a song that sounds like a comedic break in a movie, a complete aside where we’re supposed to know that this girl’s music career was a total embarrassment. And yet. I know many of the words to “My Humps.” And so do you. No matter how many times we tried to avoid it. It taught me brand names for denim jeans I didn’t need to know [see? FergieBot TEACHES. How fucking scary is that?], and it made me ponder Fergie’s bangs in a way that’s not normal and every time the song came on I thought about nothing but the Black Eyed Peas. And this song fills me with rage. I think that’s the experiment. Which ones will still bop to the beat, and when have they taken FergieBot too far?

“Pump It.” This is how I got sucked in. I’d been dancing to this song at the show’s warm-up every week, mostly because it reminded me of things I liked about Pulp Fiction. And then my sister came to town and ruined my ego by telling me I’d been jamming to the Black Eyed Peas. I’d become a part of the Peas army without even knowing it. I was in it. I bought the single on iTunes. I contributed ninty-nine cents to The Problem.

I’m sorry.

So now FergieBot’s unleashing what will surely be the end of our personal freedom. After “The Duchess” hits stores Sept. 19th, we will no longer be in control of our own thoughts.

I know this because I can’t stop talking about how much I love her first single, “London Bridge,” and this is really the the only explanation that makes sense. Her music is some kind of brain-snatcher, and I am no longer the person I once was.

[scripty]
PAMIE
Dan. I accidentally love a Fergie song.

DAN
Pam. I accidentally love a lot of them, so I cannot judge you.

PAMIE
That “London Bridge” song!

DAN
It’s really good.

PAMIE
I first heard it when we went dancing, and remember I was like, “This is awesome! Who is this?” And Eric was like, “Fergie!” and I was like, “Shoot me in the head right now!”

DAN
It’s a really good song.

PAMIE
You know why? It’s “Tipsy.”

DAN
It’s completely “Tipsy.”

PAMIE
Plus everything that doesn’t suck about “Hollaback Girl.”

DAN
That is the equation exactly. You’ve cracked it wide open, Pollack.

PAMIE
But I need to know: what is a London Bridge?

DAN
Well…

PAMIE
I need to know because I can’t stop singing this thing, and I want to do appropriate choreography.

DAN
Yes. You already know what a London Bridge is.

PAMIE
Here’s what I think it is: bra straps.

DAN
Oh.

PAMIE
Every time that hot guy comes around, she starts pulling off her bra. See? You yank the straps off your shoulders like this, like the tall parts of bridges? Yes? A bra is shaped like a bridge, kind of.

DAN
Too much thought. That is not what it is.

PAMIE
Frank and stee said it was about blowjobs.

DAN
I don’t think it’s that, either.

PAMIE
Is it her guard? She starts dipping it low on the dance floor? She drops her skirt?

DAN
I think it might be all of those things. But it’s not about bra straps. Sorry.

PAMIE
I hate how much I love that song.

DAN
I know. It’s okay. We all love that song.
[/scripty]

Because it’s got a hypnotic super-science component in it that’s destroying our independent thoughts and reason! It’s going to destroy us all!

Don’t you see? Don’t you understand what’s happening?

Well, don’t just sit there! Dance your ass off!