I’m not a Fergie fan. To the point where when someone mentioned that Fergie had an album coming out, I was skeptical that Americans would be interested in listening to an album by British Weight Watchers royalty.

The first time someone told me about Fergie’s new song, that is exactly what I said back. “How did this happen? Is it a novelty song?”

After a five-second pause, the friend gave me some seriously sad eyebrows and said, “From the Black Eyed Peas?”

Here’s what I think. I don’t know what kind of breakthrough they’ve had in the science of beats and how the combination of rhythm and repetition can make changes on our brains, but I think the Black Eyed Peas are behind all of it. They are the band the government’s using to see if they can numb us into drooling drones.

I’m understanding how it happened more and more. See, the Black Eyed Peas started as a very different kind of band, a little underground, so they could gain some attention. And then they added The Girl, who was the actual robot who secretes the brainwaves that make us start to accidentally rock back and forth to a song as retarded as “My Humps.”

I’m getting ahead of myself.

“Let’s Get It Started” is where they… got started. I now associate that song with all kinds of sporting events getting underway. I also notice it makes people jump up and down or at least nod their heads, even when they don’t like the song, even when they hate the song.

“Hey Mama” is also rather hypnotic, and that’s the one where we were first introduced to Robot Fergie’s hips. This was to see if their videos could control our minds as well. And since they could, we were given:

“My Humps.” An experiment in extremes. The most annoying alarms and whistles throughout a song that is filled with absolutely ridiculous lyrics. This is a song that sounds like a comedic break in a movie, a complete aside where we’re supposed to know that this girl’s music career was a total embarrassment. And yet. I know many of the words to “My Humps.” And so do you. No matter how many times we tried to avoid it. It taught me brand names for denim jeans I didn’t need to know [see? FergieBot TEACHES. How fucking scary is that?], and it made me ponder Fergie’s bangs in a way that’s not normal and every time the song came on I thought about nothing but the Black Eyed Peas. And this song fills me with rage. I think that’s the experiment. Which ones will still bop to the beat, and when have they taken FergieBot too far?

“Pump It.” This is how I got sucked in. I’d been dancing to this song at the show’s warm-up every week, mostly because it reminded me of things I liked about Pulp Fiction. And then my sister came to town and ruined my ego by telling me I’d been jamming to the Black Eyed Peas. I’d become a part of the Peas army without even knowing it. I was in it. I bought the single on iTunes. I contributed ninty-nine cents to The Problem.

I’m sorry.

So now FergieBot’s unleashing what will surely be the end of our personal freedom. After “The Duchess” hits stores Sept. 19th, we will no longer be in control of our own thoughts.

I know this because I can’t stop talking about how much I love her first single, “London Bridge,” and this is really the the only explanation that makes sense. Her music is some kind of brain-snatcher, and I am no longer the person I once was.

[scripty]
PAMIE
Dan. I accidentally love a Fergie song.

DAN
Pam. I accidentally love a lot of them, so I cannot judge you.

PAMIE
That “London Bridge” song!

DAN
It’s really good.

PAMIE
I first heard it when we went dancing, and remember I was like, “This is awesome! Who is this?” And Eric was like, “Fergie!” and I was like, “Shoot me in the head right now!”

DAN
It’s a really good song.

PAMIE
You know why? It’s “Tipsy.”

DAN
It’s completely “Tipsy.”

PAMIE
Plus everything that doesn’t suck about “Hollaback Girl.”

DAN
That is the equation exactly. You’ve cracked it wide open, Pollack.

PAMIE
But I need to know: what is a London Bridge?

DAN
Well…

PAMIE
I need to know because I can’t stop singing this thing, and I want to do appropriate choreography.

DAN
Yes. You already know what a London Bridge is.

PAMIE
Here’s what I think it is: bra straps.

DAN
Oh.

PAMIE
Every time that hot guy comes around, she starts pulling off her bra. See? You yank the straps off your shoulders like this, like the tall parts of bridges? Yes? A bra is shaped like a bridge, kind of.

DAN
Too much thought. That is not what it is.

PAMIE
Frank and stee said it was about blowjobs.

DAN
I don’t think it’s that, either.

PAMIE
Is it her guard? She starts dipping it low on the dance floor? She drops her skirt?

DAN
I think it might be all of those things. But it’s not about bra straps. Sorry.

PAMIE
I hate how much I love that song.

DAN
I know. It’s okay. We all love that song.
[/scripty]

Because it’s got a hypnotic super-science component in it that’s destroying our independent thoughts and reason! It’s going to destroy us all!

Don’t you see? Don’t you understand what’s happening?

Well, don’t just sit there! Dance your ass off!

36 thoughts on “i am about to blind you with some serious fucking science.

  1. Sadly, I too love this song, and I have also compared it to “Hollaback Girl” and I have ALSO spent way too much time contemplating what, exactly, dear Fergie means when she says her London Bridge wants to go down.I have come to this conclusion.Clearly, “Going Down” is a reference to sex of some sort, either oral or otherwise.+Your crotch bridges your legs together.+Fergie is British.= Fergie’s London Bridge is her vagina, and said person makes her want to have sex.That’s all.

  2. I accidentally love this song too. It’s so damn catchy! The radio station I listen to the most has been having constant debates on what exactly her “London Bridge” is. The most common thought is that it’s referring to oral sex. I would have to agree. And yes, I’ve downloaded it as well, and dance my ass off every time I hear it.

  3. She isn’t British. My friend went to high school with her in Hacienda Heights. She used to be in that super cheesy 90s girl band Wild ORchid.Great post. I, too, am adamantly anti-Fergie, but I find myself drawn to my television whenever a Black Eyed Peas video or — gasp! — her “London Bridge” video comes on.

  4. I have not heard it and I don’t want to! I don’t like the Black Eyed Peas!but um i did buy hey mama on vinyl a few years ago so I’ll just go to my corner and bow my head in shame.

  5. If I hadn’t known it was Fergie when I first heard it, I probably would have embraced it a lot more. But man, it’s addictive. And probably unhealthy. Like KFC.Anybody else thinks there’s a part of the song that sounds like it was stolen from “Promiscuous?”I think Timbaland is secretly producing everything. He is our master and we are his dancing puppets.

  6. I haven’t heard the song yet, but when someone mentions Fergie, all I can think of are her wet shorts (pee!) from the Black Eyed Peas’ (pee!) concert in San Diego. I was there a couple of feet away from the stage and the image got stuck to my mind.

  7. Oh, damn, and here I thought I was going to blind YOU with some serious fucking science. guess not. But I am on Weight watchers, so maybe I just had my Fergie’s mixed up (no, not at all actually, but I have no other reason for assuming she is British, other than the fact that she refers to her genitalia as the London Bridge. Which, I guess technically, I don’t really have a reason for thinking that’s what she is doing either.)That’s all.

  8. Okay, enough about Fergie. What blows my MIND is that you guys also say “You’ve cracked it wide open, Pollack!”Because I? Say that to my friends EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.I’m that dumb.

  9. Okay, I’ll be the one. I hate the damn song. First time I heard it I wondered who recorded the blatant Hollaback ripoff, and why did they think we needed another Hollaback anyway? The Kids Incorporated clip that AB posted is pretty funny though, in a horrifying I-can’t-watch-the-whole-thing kind of way.

  10. Okay, I must admit… I like Fergie. And the Black Eyed Peas. A lot. And I’m not ashamed! Okay, so I haven’t heard all of their songs, but “Hey Mama” is just a beautiful, beautiful thing. Except when Garfield and Odie danced to it in their movie. I will, however, admit that “My Humps” is pretty pathetic, although I will always dance to it when it is on. Always.And I happen to like Hollaback as well…

  11. but… she doesmt sing! it’s not even rap, its just… i dont know, chanting.I’ll admit when i like a pop song, but damn, i don’t find that even remotely catchy

  12. i’m glad that i’m not the only hater of this song. pfft! and the London Bridge is, in fact, in Lake Havasu, Arizona.and for the record her album is called The Dutchess.yep. it’s spelled WRONG since i’m sure she thinks she’s some sort of stupid English royalty. i love that so much because she either cannot spell or she thinks it’s more street that way. and i love that she was on KIDS Inc. bwhahahahaaaa!!!!

  13. The Black Eyed Peas lost “cred” with me when they started changing lyrics for radio… what we know as Let’s Get it Started should actually be Let’s Get Retarded and some of the lyrics don’t make sense after the change. They changed the chorus in Hey Mama and that bugged me too. I guess they wanted to make them safe and radio friendly. They didn’t strike me as the type of artists to do that, but everyone has a price, right?

  14. Pamie,You should stick with Thomas Dolby. Way better option. And hey,he’s got some dirty stuff too (if you go for that kind of thing), “Key to Her Ferrari” and “Hot Sauce” just a couple of examples.And it will make me so sad if no one understands the reference here…

  15. Pamie – you forgot about “Where Is the Love?” That was their first song before “Let’s Get it Started” I think. Unless I have my Black Eyed Peas timeline off. But I liked “Where Is the Love”. It allowed me to feel politically aware while moving my head from side to side simultaneously. I wonder how they went from ultra-aware to “My Humps”?

  16. okay. i’m a long time lurker, so i don’t mean to bust into a conversation among friends and drop the c word. but i think the london bridge is her clitoris. seriously. everytime i hear that song my mind flashes back to 11th grade health class and the very detailed interior diagrams we had to label. sorry if i’ve offended with my anatomically correct terms. it’s a character flaw!

  17. I was so glad to see this post. For years now I have said out loud, regarding the black-eyed-peas…….*How are they a band?how are they still a band? why are we letting them still hang around?LOOK at them*And, it makes me feel less stupid,when saying to my gay boyfriends *I don’t get it…….what is a london bridge?*.They look at me like THEY know and i dont………and that they pity me.

  18. I was so glad to see this post. For years now I have said out loud, regarding the black-eyed-peas…….*How are they a band?how are they still a band? why are we letting them still hang around?LOOK at them*And, it makes me feel less stupid,when saying to my gay boyfriends *I don’t get it…….what is a london bridge?*.They look at me like THEY know and i dont………and that they pity me.

  19. OK.I got REALLY MAD at the Black Eyed Peas when they were such a nonentity that they were the Very, Very Opening band at the Feed the Children tour. They opened for Ellen Cleghorne and what remains of the Beach Boys (someone gave me free tickets, shut up). That’s not exactly a prime slot.They dissed my town. They essentially called Nashville a buncha crackers for not knowing the words to a Fugees song when they asked us to sing along. Because everyone with seats for the show was in their fifties, because the band they came to see was the ersatz remainder of the Beach Boys. Those of us non-geezers in the grass seats were singing.I had been happily singing along to their none-too-spiff cover, along with my gay boyfriend. I have never forgiven them, ever. (I’m mad again, right now.)Yet I cannot stop dancing to their songs. Cannot. It is very like methamphetamines in both addictiveness and trashiness quotients. The embarrassing white people dancing to My Humps at New Years was humiliating and freeing at the same time. I’m probably going to have to lock my doors and geek out to it later, fueled by “BEP dissed my town” rage and the irrestistible beat. Sometimes I hate myself.

  20. WTF?!?!?! before i start,fergie IS british so dont say she isnt.2nd. WTF IS this with BEP behind the government and shit?!?!? WHAT THE HELL?!?!!what ever your on STOP. it WILL make u go crazy.i LOVE the black eyed peas and yeah their songs are the BOMB! hell yea their so GOOD they make u dance. so wat if they sound dumb to you. how the hell is that hypnotizing?!?!? please explain.so yea.the black eyed peas will rock forever! i know weverything about them . and the fact that FERGIS IS BRITISH PEOPLE!!!

  21. Thanks to OhNoTheyDidn’t, I bring you the answer…Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie’s new song is about four-in-a-bed sex.The pop babe recently released her first solo single ‘London Bridge’ and after hinting it was about a bedroom activity the racy topic of the track has now been revealed.The song, which is included on her debut solo album ‘The Dutchess’, refers to when two women and two men have sex and form a position to make a ‘bridge’.Despite writing about the racy subject, Fergie insists she has never participated in the act.She is quoted as saying: “Have I ever been involved in one? No I don’t think I ever have actually. No, no I haven’t. But I’m definitely touching on issues that aren’t childlike!”Fergie, real name Stacey Ferguson, has previously refused to talk about the song’s subject matter when quizzed about it.In the chorus of the song she sings: “How come every time you come around, my London Bridge wanna go down?”But when she was recently asked what the lyrics referred to, Fergie said: “That’s the magic question. I’m not going to be specific with it because it can have several meanings. People should use their imagination.”Source: http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/Fergie+s+orgy+song-11729.htmlYou’re welcomed.

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