I am the last person, I’m sure, to say this, but it’s true. Jet Blue. It’s the only way to fly. This is because it picks me up in practically my backyard and drops me off in New York City and the five hours between that time it spends distracting me so much I don’t even notice I’m flying. That’s very nice. It distracts me with the little map that tells me where my plane is, how fast it’s going and how high up we are. And then it distracts me with SO MANY CHANNELS. I’ve never been so happy to have cable.
Here’s something I know about me. Trapped in an airplane? (Hands off, R Kelly. I just TM’ed that bitch.) Anyway, when I’m at thirty thousand feet or whatever? I’m a fantastic audience member. I am easily amused. So there I am way up in the air with my knitting and a television, and I’m flipping channels (I do not want to pay five dollars to watch Roll Bounce, but thank you for the option), and I find Comedy Central. This show is about to start. I’m irrationally happy to have found this.
I never understand the person who laughs on the plane, all loudly and like a crazy person, when we all know there’s no way whatever Julia Roberts just said on the movie was that funny. Normally I keep my fine-tuned faux-hipster eyebrow in a permanent semi-raise for just such occasions. (By the way, I need: Food and Coffee. Right now. In the opposite order. And right now? I’m already drinking coffee. I need more coffee than what I’m drinking. I’ll explain later why I’m in such a funky mood, but it’s making me write really weird sentences like “fine-tuned faux-hipster eyebrow in a permanent semi-raise.” What? Who the fuck am I?
I should step away from this entry and drink more coffee, because this is no way to tell you why Jet Blue is awesome.
I’m trying to get through my entry to-do list, to tell you about the past week. But I’m not caffeinated enough to do it. And food. I need some food.
Oh, my God. I sound so crazy right now.
I’ll be right back.)
okay. it’s a little later. my hands are a little more still. here we go.
so i’m watching Comedy Central, and I’m laughing like That Guy, who I never want to be on an airplane, but Ned makes me laugh and then there was this thing from Chappelle Show, this Cribs parody where the guy makes a T-Rex omelette? I had my face against the glass, I was laughing so hard, trying not to. I couldn’t stop myself from being That Guy. (Confession: Other movies I’ve seen only at that altitude and therefore think of them as really good movies when I know, in fact, they most likely aren’t — Mystic Pizza, Drumline, and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Stop looking at me like that.)
I also get rather emotional up in the air. I’ve cried in many, many airplanes. Gosh, now that I think about it, I’ve really cried on a lot of flights. One time with a complete stranger. She and I got to talking, and I ended up telling her about how I was flying home because my father was dying and she started telling me about a brother who had recently died, and then we just started crying together. I never even learned her name, and she let me cry with her. I’ve cried during many take-offs, usually because I was leaving someone and also because take-offs still scare me, just a bit, no matter how many times I’ve been in the air.
But, Jet Blue. It is so smart. It gives me things to do, enough leg room that I can cross my legs, all while serving a variety of snacks. Jet Blue is all about making it seem like I’m on a five-hour flight as a choice.
What? I’m gone for a week and I’m talking about airplanes?
Hold on, people. I’ve got more material. Just wait.