We’re like a bunch of Anna Paquins around here, “But we love the piano! We want the piano! We need the piano!”

But the piano, it will not fit in the new house. It’s been stee’s piano since he was five. This makes me love the piano even more intensely, probably because I don’t have anything that’s been around since I was five. I don’t even know how to play the thing. But I’m learning, which is something I wanted to do since I was five. I always wanted a piano, but we moved so often that we could never have one. My parents, as it turns out, were right. It’s hard to move with this big instrument.

The new house is old, made back when people were much smaller, so the front door isn’t wide enough for a piano. The front windows, even if you take them off, are just barely wide enough, which means we run the risk of breaking the house trying to squeeze the piano in. If we slide the piano through the back door, it has nowhere to go but the back hallway. It will sit in the back hallway, forever cutting us off from our bedroom.

We called the Silverlake Conservatory, but those kids already have enough pianos. We called another children’s music charity, and they already have enough pianos. Tyson suggested we take it to a bridge and throw it off and watch it crash. Clearly, Tyson has never had anything since he was five, either.

We love the piano and would like to have it again in the next house, or find a way to get it into this house eventually. Putting it in storage seems like an expensive solution. So we’re looking for foster parents.

This is a recent discovery, as we thought all along it would fit in the house. But on Saturday we measured, and it seems like it’s going to be impossible. We have friends measuring their garages, friends offering to disassemble the piano, and Tyson’s willing to call Steve-O and let the piano be a part of Jackass history.

So, as we do when problems get sticky, we turn to the blog. This is a place where many of my friends stop by during the day. Y’all wanna borrow a piano? Like, starting tomorrow?