You Cannot Make This Up

One of the things we’ve been joking about in this office for the past two weeks is the Sally Hansen Perfect Legs spray-on pantyhose. It claims to “liberate” us from the pantyhose by putting makeup in an aerosol can. I think we’ve liberated ourselves from pantyhose already, as we’re the generation who said, “Uh, no, Mom. Those things make your legs look terrible. I’ll stick with tights, thanks.”

The first sign that we were asking for trouble was when nobody at the store could explain what we were purchasing. People didn’t know if it washed off or stained the leg or how exactly it worked.

[sidenote: I just heard someone give a wolf whistle from somewhere in the building. Did you know people still did that?]

I lifted my skirt and let Johanna spray my legs while Stacey hid her face like she was watching an autopsy.

Imagine there was a way to make your legs look like plastic Barbie legs in seconds. This is make-up in spray form. My skin looked thick with brown. Any small, blonde hairs on my thighs were coated in tan, which caused them to stick up like I was freezing. You can’t blend it or touch it, or it cracks and smears. It’s been on for over twenty minutes now and it’s still not dry. I’m leaving make-up everywhere I go. And it smells. It stinks like cheap powder. My toes are dusty and cracked from the make-up. I look like I’ve been wading in Lake Concealer.

This invention sets women back decades.

We’ve decided to use the rest of the can for spraypainting.

Update: We went down the hallway, and two people said it looked great.  One was a guy, who said, “It looks like you’re wearing pantyhose.”


The lighting in this building must be shitty.

Currently Reading:  Bird By Bird.  It got me to start a short story I was nervous to begin.  That must mean it’s a pretty effective book.  We share very similar views on the writing process.

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