Missing Books and Filled Requests

Last week Simon & Schuster delivered three copies of my book to my house. The first three copies! Of my book!

They still haven’t arrived. So I called Airborne Express about three times, only to be told that the driver is sure he delivered the books to my house and put them on my front door. I guess someone out there’s a huge pamie.com fan, because they were stolen.

The best part is they were sending the driver over to point at where he left the package. A man was supposed to drive over and point at air. He never showed up, or maybe he did, and he’s in the same portal that my books are in and there’s another dimension on my front porch. Maybe that’s where my bag of money is too. I can’t seem to find a bag of money anywhere.

The Airborne Express guy expressed his condolences, especially after he determined that I hadn’t lost three of my own books. “As long as it’s not three copies of Hillary’s books. We’re trying to lose those on purpose.” Mr. Funny Guy.

“Wait, these were the first copies of your book, and we lost them?”


“Aw, man. That sucks.”

“It’s what happens to me.”

“Hey, are you famous?”


“Hurry up and get famous so I can say I talked to you when we lost your books, okay?”

“I’ll get right on that.”

Apparently another box of books arrives today. Many phone calls were made to determine that.

Sorry I’ve been gone all week, but I’m finishing this first draft of my new screenplay and the entire process is like giving birth. I walk around huffing and puffing, sitting and standing, compaining, whining, blaming others, sweating and wishing it was over already so I can hold my new creation.

I’m not a very pleasant person when I’m in the middle of this process. I hate people and things for no reason other than I’m just on edge.

Since I’m procrastinating, and put myself under house arrest, I’ve read quite a few books this week. I read If You Lived Here, You’d Be Home By Now, which was appropriate, since while I was reading it we were told that we might have to move in the next couple of months — the homeowners are probably selling their house. See what I mean? Go on a two-week book tour while looking for a new place to live! Yay! I’ll be hanging out in bookstores this summer watching my book’s placement on front tables because I’ll be homeless and that’s what homeless people do.

So, if you know any great places opening up this summer, feel free to tell me about them. We’re looking for… well, the very house we’re currently living in.

So Many Books, So Little Time: A Year of Passionate Reading. In the vein of Kevin Murphy’s movie book, and the wonderful Ex Libris, Sara Nelson tries to read a book a week for a full year. In doing so she learns what books are attracted to her, how books and vacations are all about location, and rediscovers some of her favorite stories.

Same As It Never Was. Claire LeZebnik blurbed my book, so that makes her one of my favorite people. This is the story of a 21-year old UCLA college student who finds her entire world rocked one day when she’s left her 3-year old half-sister. It’s funny and unpredictable and full of great characters.

Because I’ve been gone all week, here are some classic entry requests.

Squishy’s actual birthday was on Monday. Theresa writes:

[readermail]Hey pamie!

I’m a newbie pamie.com reader, so I don’t have any old favorite entries to request. But I would like to see the entry that started it all! Please post the very first Squishy entry ever.[/readermail]

It ain’t pretty. One year later, in fact, I wrote an article about just how un-pretty it is. I think I’ll post that one, so there’s at least a small chance there will be something funny in it.

Amy writes:

[readermail]Coffee! I am Coffee! I just ran out of the room and ran back in, but you didn’t notice. I’m so quick. I’m coffee! Cofffee–the extra F is for fun!

It was the very first Pamie entry I ever read, and it was in October, either 1998 or 1999….I laughed so hard I cried, and was hooked from then on. :)[/readermail]

Joanne writes:

[readermail]Since you posted the entry about cigarettes… How about the open letter to Coffee? That was the first entry that I read on your site… I was hooked from that day.

That also was in the novel at one time. Now it sounds like I’m kidding when I say that, but it’s true.

Here’s the Coffee entry.

David Grenier thinks he’s so funny:

[readermail]Dude, your new haircut totally hides your eighthead.[/readermail]

Are these the kinds of letters you receive from near-strangers every day? I thought not.

You guys know way too much about me.

In that “Eighthead” entry I talk about Martha Kelly winning Funniest Person in Austin. If you’ve been watching Last Comic Standing, she’s the woman in the LA competition who Joe Rogan said told the funniest joke he ever heard…right before they cut her. But that’s Martha and she’s so funny she makes me cry. She’s also, on several occasions, tried to steal Cal. So far she hasn’t been successful, but I think her new plan is to distract me by being on television so that while I’m bragging about knowing her, she sneaks in through the back door and takes the cat. She’s wily, that Martha.

Phoebe requests:

[readermail]The entry about your then-boyfriend’s nose hair. One of my favorites ever. Please![/readermail]

Seeing as how it’s Eric’s birthday, and he’s the one who came up with the now-famous Birthday Week to begin with, way back in ’98, here’s the nosehair story. (Becca, this story always makes me think of you.)

And congrats to our Bag O’ Hair winner. At present time there hasn’t been a winner declared, but the contest ends in just over an hour. Will there be a last-minute race for the… discarded skin cells?

Okay, I’m back to work because I have to move this summer and that costs money and I’m sad.

Dude. My book comes out soon. So soon it makes me say “Dude.” It doesn’t even say “This item hasn’t been released” over at Amazon anymore. And you can write a review. I wonder if that means they got their shipment and they’re sending out books now (it says 24 hour delivery time!)

I say it again: Dude.

[readermail]Dear Winner of Pamie’s Hair 2003,

Congratulations! Your financial contribution to the Oakland Public Library has scored you the hair of one of The Internet’s (and now the publishing world’s) most famous personalities! What you do with your exclusive prize is up to you, but perhaps you will appreciate a few suggestions:

  1. Throw it away.
  2. Weave Pamie’s hair into a bracelet or necklace like the Victorian’s of old(e) did when they made “hair jewelry.” Like you don’t love pamie enough to make a bracelet out of her hair. Yes you do. Oh, you’ll make a bong out of her skull, but not a hair bracelet? What about an anklet? The Victorians didn’t wear anklets, you say? The South Padre Island Victorians did.
  3. If you make a Pam puppet and sew the hair into the top, be sure you make a sock puppet companion (using a very long tube sock) to illustrate me, and a finger puppet to look like AB. And then put all the puppets into a drawer and never mention them again.
  4. Dye the hair hot pink and spray it with glitter, put it on a stick and call it your wand.
  5. Call the FBI and use the hair to muffle the sound of your voice as you reveal your intentions to take over the world.
  6. Eat it.

Evil Onlooker to ATL Haircut Rampage[/readermail]

Please don’t eat my hair. It won’t be a good day for either of us.

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