Bonjour, people. It iz I, Taylor Dejardin.
People, that iz the face I now wear every day for twenty-four hourz a day zeven dayz a week. That iz my face. You cannot change it. I worked very hard to be able to wear that face every moment of every day. I am now over eight yearz old, which makes me 7,213 in cat yearz, and I am tired of you wanting to pet me, to stroke me, to hold me, or to sing to me. Please no with the singing, yes?
I just wanted to take a minute between all of your book buying and waiting for Jen Weiner’s baby to be born (“Come on, Zee Bun! Pop out, kid! The writer-lady, she iz waiting for you!” Oh, it’z zee best soap opera I’ve ever read, zis waiting on zee baby.) — I figured I would come over here and play zee catch up game.
I do believe it has been more than two yearz since we have last spoken, yes? That is long time. That is 823 cat yearz. It is true, yes. Sorry to have been so lax in our correspondence. But I have been working very hard at being zee loner. I have now perfected it.
So, yes. There are zee other cats, yes? And with that I get a bit more anonymity. And now I just sit in a ball on my chair, on zee couch, on zee windowsill or at zee foot of Pamie’s bed. I like to sleep near her feet. Every night before bed I like to attack her feet and play with zee clothes she takes off her body. Zat is my fun game and zat is zee only one I will play, unless someone has some tissue paper, which I will gladly leap into zee air to play with. Zat is fun game, but not too common around here, az Amazon ships things with puffy bags of death and not zee tissue paper. So sad for me. Victoria’s Secret, you are zee only best friend I have, with your fancy paper and your fun bras to play with. Nothing better than biting an underwire, my friend. Nothing better in zis whole world.
People, zay say, “Oh! Taylor! Why iz it you are so nasty? Why do you not play with the others? Why do you not frolic and dance the monkey dance of happy-happy?” Well I tell you. Look at this, people:
Zis iz zee Cal viciously attacking his own foot. Zis is my life. Zis is who I can choose for stimulating conversation. Zis is not happening, people! I have to come here to zee internet and play on zee chat rooms and answer zee email. Do you know how many spams I get a day? I have to answer zem all, asking them to remove me from zee mailing lists because I cannot stand zee spam. I hate it when zey are all, “Taylor! Here is what you were looking for!” and it iz more of zee Viagra. I was neutered, you assholes! I cannot have zee Viagra. So horrible, zee spammers. There should be a law.
Meh. Meh. Hmeh.
Oh, I get so riled up so easily zeese days. Not good for my blood pressure, I’m sure. But things just piss me off, I am swearing to you! Zee Cal and zee Olive, they make it seem like I am zee bad one, but all I do iz sleep and bite! Zat is it! If I am not sleeping, I am biting on you.
But zee people, zay tricked me recently, and they were gone for a few days. So I got zee lonelies, you know? As we do when we are alone and cannot hug the foot-eater and zee scaredy-cat. So what I did was, when zee Pamie came home, I couldn’t stop purring and rubbing against her.
I HATE THAT! I always do zat, throwing myself at her when I’ve missed her. I make her thing that I love her. I hate how much I love her! I do, I hate it, yes? Oh, sometimes I love her so much that I do these ridiculous sommersaults. How stupid is that, yes? I roll on my head at her feet and roll over until my butt lands on her leg and I am upside down staring at her. I get so mad at myself for doing it that when she tries to pet me, I bite her hard! I have to. I have to keep some of zee dignities, no?
So yesterday, last night, yes? I couldn’t stop with this love thing. I hate zee huggings and zee pettings and I hate zee laps zee most. I sit beside the laps, near the laps, but not on the laps. But last night zere was a lap, and I knew it wasn’t going to be a lap soon, you see? Because I knew the laps were going to change back into legs and go to sleep because it was late, see? So what my brilliant plan was, was that I pretended I was big, silly lap cat, see? I walked over and made big deal about sitting down on zee lap, all pretty in a circle like zee cats do. And I rubbed my head on their hands (oh, zay love that, don’t zay? Making me act like zeir slave, all “Thank you for feeding me another day! You are too generous!”). And I began zee purrs and zee raised chin (where it looks like I am smiling, yes? But really I am gritting my teeth).
And then zay had to get up, like I knew they had to, so I got to make a big stink about how zay always want me on zee laps and when I do zay get up. Well now I don’t have to do zee lap visit for at least another three years. That’s 2,491 cat years, you know.
You say, “Taylor! You are so smart! Mon dieu, you are so intelligance!” Oui, Oui, mon ami. Oui, oui.
And you may say, “Zee Taylor! Why no more pictures of you, mon dieu?” Well, to that I say to you, “I’m happy.” I am not a whore for zee camera as a certain poo butt is.
Oh, look at him. Disgusting. He iz like porno kitty with hiz phone and on zee bed and it makes me sick.
Here. There you go. It iz I. But I am not happy about zee intrusion, you see. Look how you make me frown.
What else, what else, what else iz there to talk about? Hmm. Hmm. Jen Weiner, Cal sucks, I liked zee last recap of zee Gilmore Girlz because Michel — he is so funny…Oh, I can do some pimping, yes? There are two funny people in Austin. Zere is zee Omar, who has a funny show with zee funny Mical and zee other funny people (they were always very kind to me in Austin). And zere is zee really funny Lady Leeeeeeroy, who iz doing a show at zee Hyde Park Theatre, with people zat Pamie used to work with. And zay are all very talented, and when Pamie was in Austin she did her one-woman show there with the Ray I Hate and it iz all very nostalgic for zee Pamie so I think you should go and do the laughing. I don’t laugh anymore, so you should.
What else makes me angry? Yesterday the most exciting thing that has ever happened ever happened outside the window where I spent five hours of my day every day. Zee neighbors rolled zeir garbage cans back from zee curb? And I was right there to see it. Zat never happens! I’m always sleeping, or I’m upstairs and I’ll run downstairs really quickly, but alas, mon dieu, I miss it all zee time. But this time it happened right before my own eyes! It was spectacular.
Oh, there was another exciting spectacle on zee internet yesterday. Pamie got hate mail from someone who still likes zee O-Town! Isn’t zat funny? Hold on, let me find it…
Yo Bitch! how dare you diss O-town I mean what is it with you, You don’t like hot guys that can sing? You need help no one care about your boo hoo i hate O-town because i suck opinion! Besides how pathetic are you to watch all 3 episodes of a show you hate?
I cannot stop zee laughing when I read it, even though I never laugh — pih! pih!
And her email address says “awsomechick.” The girl, she cannot even spell zee awesome! Ha! Ha!
But so pamie, she writes back (and she never usually writes back, but this was too good to pass up so I told her she had to so she writes back, she writes, “How pathetic of you to still like O-Town. Are you twelve?” Ha! I wrote the first sentence, and pamie, she wrote the second one. And zee girl, she totally writes back and confesses that she’s eighteen! Heeeeerwiir! And she call pamie a cynical old bitch! So pamie, she tell zee girl she call zee police.
Oh, we must have laughed for like, four or five seconds, I tell you. I haven’t laughed like zat in months. Oh zee times we have over here. I know, you are jealous. I understand.
Shit. I’m late for my nap.
Later, assholes. I hate you so much that I love you and I hate that so I hate you (loveyou) hate you (love) hate, hate, hate. (Kisses.)