I had one of those days yesterday where at one point I stopped walking and thought, “What am I doing here? Do I really want this? Is this what I want to do with my life? Is it worth all the work, the struggle, the hours spent doing free work, trying to please the unpleasable?” Why do I have to hear the words “like Meet the Parents” every single day?
It wasn’t just because of the frustrating day of work I had. This was because I made the unfortunate mistake of seeing Bringing Down the House.
Who doesn’t love Queen Latifah, right? And Steve Martin — he’s funny. He’s lovable. I love Parenthood. I loved Chicago. I think it’s great that Queen Latifah is a producer and an artist and in control, large and in charge. I think she’s a beautiful, talented woman. She was the reason SNL made me laugh for the first time in years this past weekend. (Side note: Amy Poehler’s Kelly Ripa cracks my shit up. Brilliant.)
This movie blows. The score blows. The script blows. The “plot” is like an extended dance remix of a sitcom. It’s one “I’m white and you’re not” joke after another, ending only in, “You’re black, so there’s going to be gangsta crime that us good white people have to fix.” Oh, and, “You’re black, right? Teach me to dance. Now teach me how to have sex.” “You’re black, right? So, can you make my white kid read? With porn? You’re so smart. Only black people have such cunning resources. Is it because you had to suffer in the hood?”
My aching head was quieted with a little Monday night treat from TiVo: The It Factor.
Everything in my house stops for The It Factor. See, this year, it’s set in Los Angeles. Last year when it was in New York, I didn’t know where the actors were, and they were all so angry and cold, and none of them ever had any hope because they picked nine actors who were really, really, really struggling (I had met Godfrey, now the 7-Up guy, at the Aspen Comedy Festival a few years back, and it bummed me out that he went to Aspen and was still busting his ass.).
Anyway, this year it’s set in Los Angeles, and they picked nine actors who have each reached a certain degree of success. It’s still painful to watch, only in that you know exactly what they’re going through (one actress was doing her one-woman show in the same theatre that we just closed the Anne Heche show (different stage, same theatre)).
I just saw that there are only two episodes left. NO!
Someone out there…someone out there must work on this show. I need raw footage. I need to see everything. I need six months of uninterrupted footage of this show. I need to see Sara and Danny sleeping together. I need to see Krystal practice her Christina Aguilera voice. I need to watch Josh practice his line for his Friends audition over and over and over. We need It Factor TV. One channel, all the time. It makes me feel like I’m doing okay. This show validates my existence. You can’t take it away from me!
Two more episodes? Only two?
This is the worst news all week.
In other news, this morning, since there wasn’t any construction going on at any of our neighboring houses, the city of Los Angeles decided to make our corner a three-way stop. Two new stop signs for people to ignore, and fewer parking spaces outside my house. Huzzah.