Press Two to Record

Only moments ago…

[scripty]
PAMIE
You have reached the reservation line for “Call Us Crazy: The Anne Heche Monologues,” located at the, performing at the, DAMN!

press nine. press two.

PAMIE
You have reached the reservation line for “Call Us Crazy: The Anne Heche Monologues,” located at the Hudson Avenue Theater, that’s five blocks, wait. That’s… and there’s…. DAMMIT.

press nine. press two.

PAMIE
You have reached the reservation line for “Call Us Crazy: The Anne Heche Monologues,” playing at the Hudson Avenue Theater Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm from January 10th to February 22nd. Tickets are fifteen dollars. This weekend… um… our special guests include, from “Grounded For Life,” Megyn Price, January 18th. From Mad TV and Gilmore Girls‘s… from… dammit… shit.

press nine. press two.

PAMIE
You have reached the reservation line for “Call Us Crazy: The Anne Heche Monologues,” playing at the Hudson Avenue Theater Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm from January 10th to February 22nd. Tickets are fifteen dollars. Our special guests include, January 18th… wait. January 18th isn’t a special guest, the special guest is on January 18th. And yes, that date has passed, but I want to mention that she was here…

press nine. press two.

PAMIE
You have reached the reservation line for “Call Us Crazy: The Anne Heche Monologues,” playing at the Hudson Avenue Theater Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm from January 10th to February 22nd. Tickets are fifteen dollars. We’ve got Megyn Price from “Grounded For Life” on January 18th, from Mad TV and Gilmore Girls we have Alex Borstein on January 24th and 25th. We’ve got the… on January 31st it’s…she’s an alum of this show… and now she’s… DAMMIT!

press nine. press two.

PAMIE
You have reached the reservation line for “Call Us Crazy: The Anne Heche Monologues,” playing at the Hudson Avenue Theater Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm from January 10th to February 22nd. Tickets are fifteen dollars. We’ve got Megyn Price from “Grounded For Life” on January 18th, from Mad TV and Gilmore Girls we have Alex Borstein on January 24th and 25th. All-around pretty girl and singing sensation Jackie Tohn is with us January 31st, and from Mad TV we have Jill-Michele Melean on February 1st. All the way from New York City we have Andi Teran on February 8th and 9th, and our closing weekend, February 21st and 22nd, we have April Winchell. Tickets are fifteen dollars, and so if you… you need to… press… gaach…gcha…dammit. Wait. I finally got through all of that, so I’m gonna keep going! I’m pressing on! You still with me? Great!!! Ticket prices are fifteen dollars, and if you’re ready to make a reservation, you can press one, unless you’re press, which is when you press five. I don’t know why, I guess because then you don’t have to pay, but don’t lie and say you’re press and make up some kind of magazine that you work for, even though that’s a pretty good idea to scam a free ticket. I don’t even know if we do senior discounts, not that this is a show heavily attended by seniors. Hell, maybe it would be. I don’t know. Forgive my insenstive remarks. Where were we? Oh, the Hudson Avenue Theater. It’s on Hudson, duh, but it’s also on Santa Monica. There’s a parking lot that charges too much, since you could just park on the street, but you know, a hooker might lean on your car. But if you’re into that kind of thing, come on down. If you have any questions, you can email us at… uh… dammit. DAMMIT. DAMMIT. I’LL NEVER GET IT! NEVER! NEVER!
[/scripty]

I think it’s finally time that I talk about my neighbors. I’ve been patient for months, but now, I can’t just keep quiet anymore. Both neighbors, on both sides of me, and one neighbor across the street, have all decided to completely renovate their homes at the same time. I mean, they’re completely changing everything about the house. The neighbor to the left is putting in new floors, walls, fences, knocking down trees — and for some reason — leaving toilets on their front lawn. Cool. I understand. The neighbors across the street are putting in another level, a second story to their home. Okay, that’s not a small task. That should take some time. But the neighbors to the right, they have decided to change every square inch of their front and back yards, and they’ve hired the loudest people on earth to do it.

The people across the street? With the roof? They worked on Thanksgiving. I was cooking turkey to the sounds of buzzsaws.

The people to the right? Their staff starts at seven. Every morning. Without fail. Including weekends. First they chainsawed down about fifty eucalyptus trees. Then it was hammering in one million pieces of wood. This week it’s handsaw time. Handsaws sound like kittens getting ripped in half.

And you know what’s the worst thing about it all? They just yell at each other, constantly. They only talk by yelling. And they’re always outside all of my windows. Yelling. And then Little Drummer Boy will practice above them (He’s moved on to The Ramones, for those of you emotionally invested in the lessons of Little Drummer Boy).

No, the worst thing? The Whistler. Some guy on the crew, he whistles. When? Whenever they aren’t using a loud machine or screaming at each other. It’s like they’re afraid of a moment’s peace. The second that maybe it’ll be quiet, homeboy will just be whistling some non-descript tune, wandering around next to my window. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I’M TRYING TO WORK!

Hammers, saws, cement mixers, huge garbage trucks, landscapers, cement layers, burly construction men, men on coffee breaks, men with huge plants, men who hit things with mallets, men with jackhammers, men with long ladders — I’ve seen all the men. They’ve all been here, and they’ve all made a fuckload of noise.

I’m at the very edge, you see. I’ve just about had enough. Sometimes during lunch, we just scream, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! SHUT UP!” But they don’t. They can’t. This is apparently what they plan to do for all of 2003.

When did they start? September. September. It’s been like this since September. It will never end.

The irony is we moved to this place to escape the constant construction noise of my old apartment on Sunset. They were going to tear down the Tiffany theater, they said, and it would all be under renovation for three years.

The Tiffany? Still standing.

It’s only quiet when there isn’t any sun. I’m exhausted.

When will the saws stop screaming?

When will they be satisfied with their landscape?

When will I have a quiet home again?

It makes me want to start a garage band.

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