I will continue to do this to prove that I am not getting older; pop music is just sucking harder these days. I can’t stand this Christian invasion. It’s ruining music! Someone call up Jars of Clay and take notes — how do we get the Christian music to be back on the fringe? How can we make Jesus Fringe cool again so I don’t have to hear any more God wailing?

2002 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

BEST VIDEO OF THE YEAR

*NSYNC
Video: Gone
Director: Herb Ritts

EMINEM
Video: Without Me
Director: Joseph Kahn

LINKIN PARK
Video: In The End
Director: Nathan “Karma” Cox

P.O.D.
Video: Alive
Director: Francis Lawrence

NAS
Video: One Mic
Director: Chris Robinson

THE WHITE STRIPES
Video: Fell In Love With A Girl
Director: Michel Gondry

It’s always strange to me when I don’t know one of the songs nominated for Best Video. Nas? “One Mic?” I guess I’d know it if I heard it. But my dial-up forces snap decisions and this snap says, “Not gonna bother.”

I don’t really think that any of these videos are exceptional. “Fell In Love With A Girl” with the Legos, I know everyone freaked out over it, but it made me kind of dizzy. Shut up! I’m not old! The Legos just never did anything. They just played music. Were they even really Legos? I mean, it could have been totally computer animation and it wouldn’t have looked any different. I’m worried I’m sounding like an idiot here, so I’m just going to say that as much as I love Eminem, that video was centered way too much around his crotch for me to vote for it. And did we need the Osama jokes? Come on.

I’m voting for: *NSYNC
The winner will be: Eminem

BEST MALE VIDEO

CRAIG DAVID
Video: Walking Away
Director: Lenny Bass

EMINEM
Video: Without Me
Director: Joseph Kahn

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS
Video: Hero
Director: Joseph Kahn

ELTON JOHN
Video: This Train Don’t Stop There Anymore
Director: David LaChapelle

NELLY
Video: #1
Director: Steve Carr

USHER
Video: U Got It Bad
Director: Little X
I can’t stand Enrique Iglesias. Every whiny song of his sounds like him pleading with us to accept him. I can’t take it anymore. That video, though, is amazing. Your mouth is just hanging open while you’re watching because you’re pretty sure you’re dreaming. Not a good dream, but dreaming. You want to call someone and say, “Turn on MTV. Can you see Enrique Iglesias and Mickey Rourke fighting over Jennifer Love Hewitt, or is my set broken?” It’s not a reality any of us could have come up with on our own. I’m pretty sure I never mentioned this before, but my last apartment was three doors down from Mr. Rourke’s. We were pretty happy to see him getting some work, even if it was in the lamest video of all time.

I can never remember if his name is Craig David or David Craig. All I know is I don’t need that man reminding me the days of the week ever again. Him and his dumb hats, with his weird drawn-on facial hair. Man creeps me out, and not just because his videos only play at three in the morning.

Did you guys see that Elton John video? I loved it so much. It started my Justin phase, way too late in the game.

I’m voting for: Elton John
The winner will be: Eminem

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

ASHANTI
Video: Foolish
Director: Irv Gotti

MICHELLE BRANCH
Video: All You Wanted
Director: Liz Freidlander

PINK
Video: Get The Party Started
Director: Dave Meyers

SHAKIRA
Video: Whenever, Wherever
Director: Francis Lawrence

BRITNEY SPEARS
Video: I’m A Slave 4 U
Director: Francis Lawrence

Come on. Has anyone bought into this Shakira thing? She looks like a drowning horse. I don’t care how much Pepsi wants me to think she’s more Britney than Britney. Not gonna do it. Also, you know I loved Crossroads more than any movie this summer, but there’s no way, no way, no way she’s going to win a VMA this year. The video was very hot, yes, but the song was so horrible. I know that these awards are supposed to be about the videos and not the songs, but clearly they aren’t when you look over the nominees.

I’m trying really hard, but I can’t think of what that Michelle Branch video looked like. I’m still trying to make sure she’s not the girl on the piano speeding down the street, the girl named Avril who loves skaters or the girl named Charlotte who sings arias. Poor Michelle Branch is about as neglected as Michelle Shocked. I know the song, because all those fake Alanises (and how sad is it to be a fake Alanis) have that nasally tone that loops in my brain until I weep openly. This is the one that was on every commerical for every teen television show ever, right? Maybe she’s standing around playing guitar in a messy room? It shouldn’t be this hard, people. Moving on.

I’m voting for: Pink
The winner will be: Pink

BEST GROUP VIDEO

*NSYNC F/ NELLY
Video: Girlfriend (Remix)
Director: Marc Klasfeld

BLINK 182
Video: First Date
Directors: The Malloys

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
Video: Everyday
Director: Chuck McBride

LINKIN PARK
Video: In The End
Director: Nathan “Karma” Cox

NO DOUBT F/ BOUNTY KILLER
Video: Hey Baby
Director: Dave Meyers

P.O.D.
Video: Alive
Director: Francis Lawrence

Dear Dave Matthews Band: Please stop. Please. Please stop. Please. Please. Please just stop. Just… put the instruments down. Please. Why do you hate the world so much? Why so much torture? Haven’t we had enough? Please. Please. Please just step away from the recording devices. Please get off our televisions. Please. It isn’t funny anymore.

I really wanted to somehow be able to get through this entire essay without having to mention P.O.D. or Linkin Park, but obviously I just can’t. That “Alive” song makes my hair hurt. There are some songs where if I even hear half a second of them my body physically reacts so strongly that it’s like a punch. “Alive,” Smashmouth’s “All Star,” “Big Pimpin’,” and whatever that rap song was with the baby noise every three seconds. Something about a riding a pony. It doesn’t matter. I can’t take it. Oh, and that Puddle of Mudd song.

I’m voting for: No Doubt
The winner will be: Linkin Park

BEST RAP VIDEO

DMX
Video: Who We Be
Director: Joseph Kahn

EMINEM
Video: Without Me
Director: Joseph Kahn

LUDACRIS
Video: Saturday (Oooh Oooh!)
Director: Steve Carr

NAS
Video: One Mic
Director: Chris Robinson

P. DIDDY F/ BLACK ROB AND MARK CURRY
Video: Bad Boy For Life
Director: Chris Robinson

I knew it was all over for P. Diddy when I first heard that “Bad Boy For Life” song. Sounding like people tripping over instruments, tripping on bass strings and falling on keyboards. With that weird shoulder dance thing he was trying to make catch on like the Pepsi hand move we all collectively ignored as a nation. Sometimes I’m proud of us. And right now, as we all ignore P. Diddy enough that he’s not everywhere, but not so much that he starts shooting at us, I’m happy. Wasn’t Marc Curry an MTV VJ?

There wasn’t a better rap song to play around with than “Who We Be.” Everything just, “The muffins! The butter! The breakfast! I eat it!” “The traffic! The stop sign! The left turn! I take it!” Very fun.

Did you guys hear that Mystikal raped some girl? Makes me sad. But remember last year when I pointed out how angry he was? He gave that girl a mean look, the one that licked his face in the video? Can’t trust a man that won’t smile when you lick him.

I’m voting for: DMX
The winner will be: Eminem

BEST R&B VIDEO

AALIYAH
Video: Rock The Boat
LP: Aaliyah
Director: Hype Williams

ASHANTI
Video: Foolish
Director: Irv Gotti

MARY J. BLIGE
Video: No More Drama
Director: Sanji

ALICIA KEYS
Video: A Woman’s Worth
Director: Chris Robinson

USHER
Video: U Got It Bad
Director: Little X

I know it wasn’t supposed to happen, but I laughed my ass off at that “No Drama” video. Because I think Mariah and P. Diddy had no idea they the jokes of that video. Mariah Carey is telling me not to have any more drama? Right. And the more Mary J. started sobbing at the row of televisions, the more I was just giggling. Her long fake nails all scratching down her face, begging P. Diddy to stop being a public ass, screaming for Mariah to put down the keyboard.

L

I’m voting for: Destiny’s Child
The winner will be: Mary J. Blige

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO

MISSY “MISDEMEANOR” ELLIOTT F/ LUDACRIS AND TRINA
Video: One Minute Man
Director: Dave Meyers

FAT JOE F/ ASHANTI
Video: What’s Luv
Director: Billie Woodruff

JA RULE F/ ASHANTI
Video: Always On Time
Director: Dave Meyers

JENNIFER LOPEZ F/ JA RULE
Video: I’m Real (Remix)
Director: Dave Meyers

OUTKAST F/ KILLER MIKE
Video: The Whole World
Director: Bryan Barber

BUSTA RHYMES F/ P. DIDDY AND PHARELL
Video: Pass The Courvoisier (Part II)
Directors: Chris Robinson and Busta Rhymes

I’m F/ to roll my eyes up in here. First of all, “What’s Luv,” “I’m Real” and “Always on Time” are the same fucking song. All three of them are exactly the same song. Fat Joe and Ashanti totally ripped off “I’m Real,” which wasn’t even worth ripping off. In fact, all of the good things that have happened in my life started once I didn’t have to hear “I’m Real” seventeen times a day. It was what was killing our spirit.

And “Pass The Courvoisier” was about as amusing as The Ladies Man. The only songs on here that didn’t make my skin crawl were Outkast and Missy. In fact, “One Minute Man” totally ruled.

Something here in my office smells like feet. I’m hoping it’s not actually my feet that smell this badly, but that I need to go and wash my running shoes, which are sitting nearby. But that leads me to wonder, how come I couldn’t notice something was stinky until I had to keep talking about P. Diddy for fifteen minutes?

And why does he make me keep calling him different names? More importantly, why the hell do I keep doing it?

I’m voting for: Missy Elliot
The winner will be: Outkast (they love those guys and their outfits)

BEST DANCE VIDEO

DIRTY VEGAS
Video: Days Go By
Director: Rob Leggatt and Leigh Marling

KYLIE MINOGUE
Video: Can’t Get You Out Of My Head
Director: Dawn Shadforth

PINK
Video: Get The Party Started
Director: Dave Meyers

SHAKIRA
Video: Whenever, Wherever
Director: Francis Lawrence

BRITNEY SPEARS
Video: I’m A Slave 4 U
Director: Francis Lawrence

I liked that Dirty Vegas video when it was called “Praise You.” I liked it even more when it was called Radiohead’s “Just.” And if I see that commerical one more time where the fake Parker Posey pops and locks her way into my burning ball of hatred, I’ll… do something… that looks like I’m doing nothing at all.

Did you hear that Shakira ballad where she pretended she knew what she was saying? Very funny stuff.

“Underneath Your Clothes
There’s an endless story
There’s the man I chose
There’s my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey”

Aw, yeah. You know, all of her songs are like endless stories.

I know we also collectively as a country ignore Miss Kylie, but the fact that she got totally naked and let us see all her parts in that video means she should at least get a Moon Man for her efforts, don’t you think? Vacuous and hot, that’s how I want my divas. Quit yellin’ at me to pick a cause.

I’m voting for: Kylie Minogue
The winner will be: Dirty Vegas

BEST ROCK VIDEO

CREED
Video: Sacrifice
Director: Dave Meyers

JIMMY EAT WORLD
Video: The Middle
Director: Paul Fedor

KORN
Video: Here To Stay
Directors: The Hughes Brothers

LINKIN PARK
Video: In The End
Director: Nathan “Karma” Cox

P.O.D.
Video: Youth Of The Nation
Director: Paul Fedor

SYSTEM OF A DOWN
Video: Chop Suey!
Director: Marcos Siega

Man, fuck Korn with a stick. I’m so sick of them. I saw one of their videos last night, maybe it was this one, but it was a guy puking on his high school class reunion after he and his naked girlfriend showed how faces were growing out of their chests. And the lead singer spun around in a circle like he was some devilish imp, looking like Andy Dick mocking Marilyn Manson and I know this is all the Hughes Brothers’ fault, but Korn could at least say, “That’s like, a horror movie from 1983. No.”

If you could combine my hatred for P.O.D. with my intense fury towards Creed, you could harvest enough energy to fuel an amusement park.

I love that System of a Down album. Love it. Love to sing very loudly and stupidly and smack things and howl about angels dying. Love it. But the kids, they get mostly naked in that Jimmy Eat World video. I’m voting for the System of a Down video because it was filmed on this parking lot on Sunset and made a radio announcement of a free concert. They took too long setting up to shoot the video and the fans rioted, running off with all the equipment. Hardcore!

I’m voting for: System of a Down
The winner will be: Jimmy Eat World

BEST POP VIDEO

*NSYNC F/ NELLY
Video: Girlfriend (Remix)
Director: Marc Klasfeld

MICHELLE BRANCH
Video: All You Wanted
Director: Liz Freidlander

NO DOUBT F/ BOUNTY KILLER
Video: Hey Baby
Director: Dave Meyers

PINK
Video: Get The Party Started
Director: Dave Meyers

SHAKIRA
Video: Whenever, Wherever
Director: Francis Lawrence

I think Shakira is officially harassing us now.

I’m voting for: Pink
The winner will be: No Doubt

BEST NEW ARTIST IN A VIDEO

ASHANTI
Video: Foolish
Director: Irv Gotti

B2K
Video: Uh Huh
Director: Erik White

AVRIL LAVIGNE
Video: Complicated
Directors: The Malloys

JOHN MAYER
Video: No Such Thing
Director: Sam Erickson

PUDDLE OF MUDD
Video: Blurry
Director: Fred Durst

Is that possible? Puddle of Mudd? They aren’t new! I’ve been tortured by them for at least two years now, right? And that Avril song came out yesterday. I don’t understand their cut off dates for “new.” Well, I hope they win so we never have to hear from them again.

Isn’t B2K what Burger King started calling their updated Whopper? And what’s a John Mayer?

I’m voting for: Ashanti
The winner will be: Puddle of Mudd

BEST VIDEO FROM A FILM

CHAD KROEGER F/ JOSEY SCOTT
Video: Hero
LP: Spider-Man Soundtrack
Movie: Spider-Man

LUDACRIS F/ NATE DOGG
Video: Area Codes
LP: Word Of Mouf
Movie: Rush Hour 2

NELLY
Video: #1
Movie: Training Day

WILL SMITH
Video: Black Suits Comin’ (Nod Ya Head)
Movie: Men In Black II (MIIB)

What? “Black Suits Comin’?” That movie came out three weeks ago. Oh, forget it. This isn’t even a real category. Best video from a film? I know what this is “Will Smith’s Contractually Obligated Moon Man Moment So He Can Talk Like Ali And Say How Sexy His Wife Is Again.”

I’m voting for: Ludacris
The winner will be: Will Smith

VIEWER’S CHOICE

B2K
Video: Uh Huh
Director: Erik White

MICHELLE BRANCH
Video: Everywhere
Director: Liz Freidlander

BRANDY
Video: What About Us ?
Director: Dave Meyers

EMINEM
Video: Without Me
Director: Joseph Kahn

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS
Video: Hero
Director: Joseph Kahn

P.O.D.
Video: Alive
Director: Francis Lawrence

Should I know this B2K? Really?

“What About Us?” is the second clunkiest song this year. After the required seventy-five times I heard the song, I finally didn’t hate it. Then I saw Brandy whining about how she wanted a veggie burger when her hotel was on fire and bitching about how shitty room service was during an evacuation, and I hated her again. Go to school, Brandy.

It’s like this list is a joke so Eminem has material for when he goes up to get his award.

I’m voting for: Eminem
The winner will be: Enrique Iglesias.

Hee! Just kidding.

MTV2 AWARD

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL
Video: Screaming Infidelities
Director: Erik White

THE HIVES
Video: Hate To Say I Told You So
Director: Henry Moore Selder

NORAH JONES
Video: Don’t Know Why
Directors: Anastasia Simone and Ian Spencer

MUSIQ
Video: Halfcrazy
Director: Chris Robinson

NAPPY ROOTS F/ JAZZE PHA
Video: Awnaw
Director: Lenny Bass

THE STROKES
Video: Last Nite
Director: Roman Coppola

Why does M2 want me to like Dashboard Confessional so much? I just don’t, okay? Leave me alone, M2. Show that same Hives/Vines/Strokes trio you love to flaunt.

Norah Jones is my new secret girlfriend, by the way.

I’m voting for: Norah Jones
The winner will be: Enrique Iglesias.

That’s still funny, by the way. I don’t care. Funny.

The winner will be: The Hives

BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO

CAKE
Video: Short Skirt/Long Jacket
Director: John McCrea

COLDPLAY
Video: Trouble
Director: Tim Hope

THE CRYSTAL METHOD
Video: Name Of The Game
Director: Marcos Siega

DMX
Video: Who We Be
Director: Joseph Kahn

MAXWELL
Video: This Woman’s Work
LP: Now
Director: Sanji

THE WHITE STRIPES
Video: Fell In Love With A Girl
Director: Michel Gondry

How come Will Smith can get nominated, but Weezer’s Muppet video can’t? No justice.

That Maxwell video creeped me out. His videos always creep me out. It’s like watching a statue talk to me.

I try not to care too much about Coldplay, but is this the video that is a shoddy rip-off of “Pyramid Song,” including the lyrics that are a-l-m-o-s-t “Pyramid Song” but not quite? Because I hate it. That’s when I stopped with the Coldplay.

The Cake video is funny. Yay, funny.

I’m voting for: Cake
The winner will be: The White Stripes

The funniest part of the press release? This statement right here:

With roles in the Oscar-Award winning feature film, Almost Famous, HBO’s miniseries “Band of Brothers,” and a member of the repertory company at “Saturday Night Live,” Jimmy Fallon’s resume is as extensive as it is versatile.

Too many jokes! Overload! Laughter causing me to hit “save” and then “upload” and move on with my life!