i’m hideous

please don’t look.

I went to sleep a rather pretty girl. I woke up a monster.

So, the supposed pink eye I was discussing went away without a problem by Thursday morning. The swelling went down and there was only a slight amount of pain when I touched my eye. Last night I put on a touch of make-up (this means a swipe of eye shadow and one application of mascara) and went out. I washed my face when I got home and noticed that my eye was a bit tender again.

This morning it hurt like a bitch. It felt like I had slept with a zipper in my eye. I took a shower and then finally saw my face:

I’m hideous. My eye is all swollen. Just the lower lid, but it’s swollen for about an inch. My eye is all squinched up like someone punched me in the face. And then I remembered that the when my eye started hurting in the first place was right before Radiohead when I had put on the same make-up. So, I guess it’s time to ditch that eyeshadow and mascara. In fact, it’s probably a good idea to go through all of my make-up and get rid of the old stuff. I know I’m supposed to do it but I never do. I have lipstick from like, 1992 in there. You should also take this moment to toss out your old stuff before you’ve got a giant left eye like I do. The only person that can pull off this look is Thom Yorke. I look exactly like this. Exactly. And I don’t have his voice. Or his angst. Or his band.

By the way, I found this picture here. Radiohead fans might get a few laughs out of it.

Continuing with the links, there are not one but two Making the Band recaps up. Sign up for the mailing list, read the pages, support my stuff. Please? I’ve been reading through my old journal and old letters of mine and it’s starting to take a horrible toll on my writing here. It helps when recapping Making the Band, though.

Shit, it hurts to blink. I need to put more ice on my eye and sit around watching Girl, Interrupted and have unhealthy Angelina Jolie thoughts.

Well, right now Allison and Chris are staring their giant move to Atlanta. I can’t believe they’re making even more miles between us. And now I have to find reasons to visit Georgia? Do you know there are months that go by where I never even remember there’s a state called Georgia? And now I have to make plans to visit? Man, being a friend never stops, does it?

I can’t believe it’s already been eight months since I moved here. The days are flying by. My life changes more and more each day and I can’t predict what’ll happen from month to month. I’m not sure what I’ll be doing two months from now. I know that my life is about to make a change. I’m wondering where it’s going. I hope it’ll be fun.

I moved around so much growing up that it’s much easier now for me to move into a new place and meet new people (or keep to myself around new people). I find what I like about the new city and concentrate on it, and try not to dwell on the parts I hate. I’d always do that for so long that by the time I found things I liked about the city it’d be time for me to move again. I’m hoping Allison and Chris quickly find what they love about Atlanta and surround themselves in it. I’m assuming that since it’s the first time they’re going to really be together, they’re not going to have a hard time finding the parts they love.

I know I said I’d stop dwelling in the past with this memory box I’ve uncovered, but this letter should really be shared. In it I’m exposing all of my dork self in all of my dork glory. I think I’m in the fifth grade, here. please don’t look.


Read by yourself.


Dear Sara,

Boy is my life a mess!! This should be a long letter.

First, I was going with a boy. (I’m writing in cursive so my sister can’t read it) Anyway the only words I could think for him were Cute

We were going together for 3 weeks. would have been 1 month 4 days later.

He kept asking me to kiss him at school and I didn’t think that I was ready yet. He didn’t mind too much, I guess.

On the day of our big field trip was when we really showed that we liked each other. We were singing songs on the bus and one went like this:

Boom Boom Checks Out
Boom Boom Checks Out
Roll Call
Boom Boom Checks Out
Boom Boom Checks Out

And they’d say a person’s name say- Becky. She’d say:

My name is Becky,
(we’d say ‘Check’)
I am a girl
I like Sara
So check me out
(so check her out)

Boom Boom Checks Out
Boom Boom Checks Out

And so forth. So they got to my boyfriend (by the way, he’s name is Matt) And he said:

My name is Matt
I am a boy
I like…………Pam
(check– and giggles!)
So check me out
(so check him out)

Then they did other people like Dimitri who said

My name is Dimitri
I am a boy
I hate this game
(check) I wish you hadn’t picked me
(check) I like not singing this
(check) So check me out
(so check him out)

Then they got to me! You can imagine what everyone wanted me to say. I said (with lots of giggles)

My name is Pam
I am a girl
I like……….Matt!
(check- OOOOOHHH!)
So check me out!!
(so check her out)

Well, the trip was okay except with a lot of “go stand by your boyfriend” stuff.

On the way home, (we had 2 hours on a greyhound luxury bus) Matt asked Becky and Becky asked me (because he sat so far from me) if I would kiss Matt and hold his hand. I asked where. She said at Six Flags in the Time Tunnel.

please don’t look. please don’t look.

Now the Time Tunnel is where everyone goes with their boyfriend. It’s a ride. It is a dark tunnel where you sit in a so called boat, and go through time from the past to present to future. Well you are supposed to have gum in your mouth so when you enter the tunnel you stick your gum on the celing with thousands of other chewed up gum pieces well people always kiss as they go through – it’s like a tradition.

I can’t go to 6 flags without an adult and he wanted me and him to go alone (know what I mean?) Plus, I am about the only 5h grader that doesn’t have a season’s pass. 6 flags is about 10 minutes away from where we live.

Well I said I can’t go and all the stuff I just told you- I didn’t tell him that I can go to the movies though. I was SO upset. So was he I guess cause he didn’t bother me anymore.

then, I got a lot of prank break-ups but 1 was really real. He acually wanted me to break-up. He said he wanted to be good friends. (Some line huh?) He couldn’t even tell me to my face. He got Matt Hollis to tell me.

Well, my life has gone on 2 weeks. I see him and my heart breaks every time. I can’t bieleve it. He was so nice. I was so nice. It didn’t work. BOO HOO

Bye 4 NOW




P.S. Now my best friend is going with him.

Man, seriously. Poor me. I remember all of that. I remember how Matt Hollis told me, “Matt doesn’t think that you’re pretty anymore, so he wants to break-up.” And I was all, “No, he doesn’t. Why doesn’t he tell me then?” And Matt was like, “Because he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, either.” And he didn’t. Asshole. I moved just a couple of months after that, so I never heard from any of those kids again.

I’m such the loner. The rebel. Blowing in and out of towns. I just didn’t want my first kiss to be in front of the school and my mom wouldn’t let me go to Six Flags by myself. I mean, I’m like ten or eleven, right? I can understand.

I was so lame. I still remember that song, that “boom boom checks out” song. I remember how scared I was to sing that I liked a boy in front of people. I suck. Now I’ll just roll all over the floor in a crowded bar with a Karaoke microphone in my hand to tell the world how a boy makes me feel like a natural woman. I have no shame anymore.

Oh, and I’m hideous. Matt’s right. With my big ‘ol swollen eye, I’m really not pretty anymore.

So check me out.

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