Lots of email from you guys. The advice has ranged from “Well, you probably won’t actually quit this time, but good for you for trying” to “Finally! You can do it! You rock!” to “Are you crazy, quitting at a time like this? Why do you hate yourself?”
Also, I stopped crying long enough yesterday to realize that most of you were probably right and I couldn’t do this on my own so I went out and bought The Gum.
To those of you who wrote and told me about The Gum: thank you for saving not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Because I’ve been a bit of a mess. Today I can safely say that I almost haven’t tried to kill anybody. I got my nails done and bought the new Destiny’s Child CD. I went into a few stores and didn’t buy anything. I went to a diner and had french fries and coffee and didn’t break down or complain about the way things tasted. I didn’t wake up this morning hacking like I was Harvey Firestein with a head cold.
The problem right now is basically the moments right before it’s either time for me to have another piece of the gum or I remember that I haven’t had a piece in a while. Like, right now, haven’t had a piece of the gum in about two hours. Check with me in thirty minutes and it’ll be a completely different story.
Here’s me yesterday:
Hi. Oh, God. I have to go to class. I have to go to comedy class. Where I’m supposed to be funny. Where I have to be for three hours and sorta be funny. But nobody smokes in my class. That’s good. Just Kyle. Poor Kyle will be all by himself during break. That’s not fair to Kyle. Maybe I’ll still talk to Kyle. But I won’t smoke. I’ll just sniff Kyle. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll sniff Kyle. He’ll understand. Oh, this is a long red light. Really long red light. This red light will be the last thing I ever see because I AM DYING. I AM DYING RIGHT NOW. I WILL NOT MAKE IT TO CLASS BECAUSE I AM GOING TO DIE. OH MY GOD WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE A CIGARETTE? WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF? DAMMIT! I’M A GOOD PERSON! I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND NICOTINE MADE ME VERY HAPPY AND CALM AND PRETTY AND I WAS JUST GETTING TO BE AS THIN AS I LIKED AND NOW I’M A GIANT FAT ASS THAT CAN’T STOP PUTTING EVERYTHING INTO MY MOUTH AND NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO LOVE ME AND THIS LIGHT WILL NEVER TURN GREEN AND I’LL NEVER BE FUNNY AGAIN AND I…Oh. Time for the gum.
Shh. Shh. Shh. Okay. Okay. Oooooookaaaaaaay. That’s right, pamie. It’s okay. It’s all okay. we’re gonna be okay, okay? you just sit back and breathe. breathe. it’s okay. see how i just made your fingers kind of numb and your toes feel dead? see? it’s okay. it’s okay. feel that weird feeling on your tongue like you just smoked a filter? that’s nice, isn’t it? yeah. yes. okay. ooookay. now just… see? even the light turned green. now take a left and… oh, look. that man is going to pull out and you can have his parking space. see how easy that was? you hardly ever find parking this easy on hollywood. so nice.
two hours later
Okay. Good. Break time. Break from class. Time for us to take a walk. A walk will be good. Walking. Need to walk. Move the legs. Move the legs. Hey! Hey Garnet! I’ll be funny while I walk and talk and he’ll laugh and I’ll be entertaining and funny and who needs to smoke with Kyle and feel good when I can make Garnet laugh, right? Right? Why is he moving away from me? Oh, God. I’m embarrassing all of my class because I’m an obnoxious tool. I just said tool. I never say tool. I’m all, “Hey! Hey! Watch me! Watch me! Watch! Watch! Look at me!” And nobody is looking and they keep walking away and that girl just looked at me like I’m the fucking problem and I’m not the fucking problem. Maybe she’s the fucking problem. I could put this Snickers in her eye and then what could she do, huh? God DAMMIT. Nobody in this town knows how funny and talented I am. It’s a giant secret and I’m sick of it. Nobody will listen to me. Oh, God. I just yelled at Garnet and said he can’t drink Big Red unless he eats Funyuns. Who made me the fried onion product police? I can’t regulate what he can and cannot drink. Why won’t anyone look at me? Why are they all walking away from me? WHY WON’T SOMEONE KILL ME? GOD. I JUST WANT TO DIE. THIS IS STUPID. NOBODY LIKES ME NOW THAT I DON’T SMOKE. I. I. I. I. I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. I HATE IT. I HATE ME. I HATE ME SO MUCH. I CAN’T. I. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS ZIPPER WORK? WHY CAN’T I DRESS MYSELF ANYMORE? WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME AND IGNORING ME AT THE SAME TIME? I DON’T NEED YOUR PITY, SISTER. JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME…oh. gum time.
that was a close one. that was a close one. okay. okay. it’s okay. i’m here. now chew. chew. chew. swallow. chew. chew. and now press the gum up against your cheek like a good dipping girl. that’s good. feel that rush right there on the inside of your mouth. yes. it’s like sucking on an altoid. you feel that? you feel the rush? good. you’re very pretty. you are. i’m not just saying that. and you’re still cool without smoking. because the drug is still in your mouth. you’re still a cool drug-taking kid. aw, yeah. you’re okay. you’re okay. still good. people like you. just … here’s an idea. don’t talk for like, an hour. the next hour, just don’t say anything and then maybe people in your class will still like you next week.
one hour later
They’re having a potluck next week? What’s a potluck? Why can’t I remember what a potluck is? I should know this. i know what a potluck is. It has something to do with food. But how come when they say it it makes no sense? Why can’t I finish a sentence? Where did I pick up this stutter? Why do I hate everyone so much? I must cry. i will now cry. Crying. That’s the only choice I have now. Tears. Tears on La Brea. Pain in my heart caused by Kools. I don’t even smoke Kools. I can’t even write a parody song. How much do i suck? SUCK. I SUCK AND EVERYONE HATES ME.
I am so out of ideas. Maybe it’s time to just pass out.
So, day two? A breeze, don’t you think? Today has been easier than yesterday, which was easier than the day before. But I really hate being alive every couple of hours or so.
I do love this gum, though. I love it in a way that I know it’s going to be hard to quit someday. The box is all, “Use at least fifteen times a day.” That’s so you get addicted to the gum and have to keep buying it. I’m onto you, Nicorette.
You beautiful, chewy mistress, you.