Regarding Cal

reading between the lines

First of all, I’d like to brag that I am the new owner of California plates. It only took forever. Get yourselves a triple A membership, that’s all I can say. Melodee, my AAA woman, took control and we had a good girl talk about moving, families, racism and issues as we registered my car for this state. Turns out you can’t register a car in the state of California that has less than 7,500 miles on it unless you fill out another form. It took over an hour, but we finally got the car done. I hope Melodee finally got her coffee break. She earned it with me.

Cal and Taylor are getting registered in California today as well. I have vet appointments for them in a couple of hours. This poses an interesting situation for me today. I’ve never had to wrestle two cats to the vet by myself. I wanted to do it during the day because I figured traffic would be lighter and I’m using a vet that’s not exactly next to my house (but it came highly recommended), so I’m going to see how easy it is to put both Cal and Taylor into their carriers, lug them up to my car, drive them to the vet, bring them into the vet and still get them both home. I might be setting myself up for failure here, I know it.

So last night I had to dig out their old vet records. It has everyone’s histories, including Lillith’s. I found the information we first took home with Cal from the shelter. And I found the questionnaire his previous owner filled out. This was what told us that Cal was an okay cat. And I realized that the last time I had read this piece of paper I didn’t know Cal at all. Now I’ve got almost a year and a half on this thing. Let’s see how much of what his owner had said was the truth.

CAT PERSONALITY PROFILE
Date: 9-25-99
Cat’s name: Cal

Changing homes is a very traumatic experience for a pet. In order to make this transition as smooth as possible, we ask for your cooperation and honesty in completing this form. This information will be provided to the new owner.

That’s me. So please be honest. Mention the fact that he might want to try and kill me for a full year, okay? That’s good stuff to know.

Has this cat had previous homes? NO
Is it afraid of anything? LOUD NOISES

Now see, I yell the words, “CAL! STOP IT!” all the time. Nothing happens. Nothing registers with that cat. Now the noise of a paper bag rippling in the window breeze? That terrifies him.

Compatible with: MEN WOMEN CHILDREN CATS

Now when Cal was in the shelter, they had a sign on the front of his cage that said “No homes with children under twelve.” Because Cal bites. But I can’t believe we got tricked into thinking Cal was good with other cats. Do you know that Taylor has had a scab on his chin for over a month because Cal keeps kicking him in the face? I thought it was Taylor’s acne returning, but it’s not. It’s Cal.

This guy lied to me.

Does the cat use a litterbox? YES

Barely.

Circle the terms that best describe this cat: (I’ll bold the ones this guy circled)

Easygoing
Shy
Friendly
One person pet
Vocal
Aloof
Aggressive
Outgoing
Playful
Nervous
Quiet
Destructive
Active
Finicky

I can see at least three things that he should have circled on this list that he didn’t. Since “might be retarded” wasn’t an option, I’m not saying the guy was a liar, but Cal is certainly aggressive, and his morning wails are so awful that there are times I’m sure he’s gotten his head stuck in the VCR.

Does the cat:

Claw furniture: NO

My ottoman and chair would beg to differ. So would the top of my television.

Claw drapes: NO

Only because he is afraid of them.

Use a scratching post: OCCASIONALLY

Dig in plants: NO

Bite: YES (NIBBLES)

He nibbles. That’s great. Nibbles. Like that thing in Carol Ann’s room. Cal’s teeth are sharp. He doesn’t always bite you, either. Sometimes he just scrapes his fangs across your flesh. Yeah, circle that, buddy. “Sadistic flesh scraper.”

Kill rodents or birds: NO

Dump trash: NO

Here’s where he should have just written, “I’m lying about everything, but I don’t want them to put Cal to sleep. He’s a good cat, he’s just a little slow. He forgets who you are three seconds after he’s already greeted you and then he wants to greet you again. He falls all the time because he has no balance. He sorta never lands on his feet. He still thinks there’s a bird outside the window, even though he hasn’t seen one in two months. I just want someone to love Cal. I’m sorry I smoked so much pot and blew it in his face. That’s the last time I listen to my friends.”

Is the cat allowed on: FURNITURE COUNTERS SHELVES BED TABLES WINDOWSILLS (He circled every option)

Where does the cat sleep? ANYWHERE

Well, he wasn’t lying about that.

When is it fed? AM Where? KITCHEN

And if you try and break that cycle, Cal will bite your feet.

I’m just going to add a little thing here. It’s sort of embarrassing, and I’m wondering if I should even bring it up to the vet today. It’s this new thing that Cal does and I don’t know what’s going on. Cal… he’s been humping things lately. Now, he’s neutered, and I thought neutered cats lost their sex drive. I’ve certainly never seen Taylor get excited about anything. But Cal has started humping like, sheets on my bed.

Okay, and one time he was sitting on my back and I felt him try and hump my butt and I had to push him off and go take a shower but I still don’t feel clean. You have a cat hump your ass and then you tell me that you can still look at yourself in the morning. It’s horrible. It’s horrible and I refuse to tell my vet that my cat tried to hump me in my bed. God.

So, my humiliating question is, did my cat really get neutered? Is it possible that the owner was lying? Or do old cats still get horny? Should I even be concerned? Should I be concerned that I’m concerned with the sex drive of my cat?

I hate myself.

Does he like to be picked up? YES

You know, I didn’t even notice that was the next question. All y’all just shut up.

Is this cat used to riding in a car? YES Walking on a leash? NO

Does the cat prefer to be inside or outside? BOTH

Oh. That explains a lot, actually. I never noticed that before. That’s why Cal bolts out of here as fast as he can every day. We then chase him in a circle until he runs back into the house.

Does the cat enjoy being brushed? NO

Do you provide toys for the cat? YES

What are its favorite treats? DON’T FEED

This is very true. Cal had no interest in canned food or Pounce. Now he’ll smack the potato chip right out of your hand. I blame Taylor on that one. They are always jealous of each other.

Has the cat ever had major surgery? YES

What for? NEUTERING AND DECLAWING

Previous injuries? TAIL CUT OFF

I did tell you that until that point the shelter had been trying to tell us that Cal was a Japanese Bobtail cat, right? In any event, I sure wish the owner would have mentioned how Cal lost his tail. He’s not the most graceful without it.

And, okay. It’s disturbing. He still wiggles that stump around and it doesn’t even cover enough of his butt and people come over and get grossed out by my cat’s ass and wiggly stump and I’m terrified he’s going to hump the television while we try and watch and I’ve got to explain that my two teenaged boy cats are going through rough periods. One has acne and the other just discovered masturbation.

This is not my beautiful life.

I have to find that old owner and give him a piece of my mind. And then ask if Cal ever tried to French kiss him. Because there was a strange moment this morning when I went to shut off my alarm clock.

I’m not talking about this anymore.

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