courtesy of Hugh Grant
Um… yes, ah… hello.
So, having watched my latest film exploits on Bridget Jones’ Diary, pamie has seen fit to… uh, sort of… you know, hire me to do sort of… urm, spot work for her. It seems she finds my ablity to apologize my way out of anything short of murder to be, well… uh, rather charming, actually. So today she asked if I might… sort of… you know, fill in for her and do one of these cute little… talking to the computer sorts of things.
I’m supposed to just talk to you about whatever’s in my head, make a few… you know, rather, points that pamie asked me to say and then… well… urm… flash my baby blues to you and do that side grin thing I’m so… you know, rather capable of doing, see.
You know, pamie is a wonderful, wonderful woman. Hollywood is a better place for her, really. Delightful. Charming. Really…just…can’t say enough about the girl, you know. But that’s all neither here nor there, right? Time to get on with the talking and then smiling and then charming the panties off of you. That’s… not to say that you wear panties or anything. Pamie tells me there are a few lads that read this thing so… I’ll just… try to charm… well… whatever sort of knickers grace your bum.
Tivo. Right. The Tivo. Well, apparently, and I’m not the one to be talking about things that you might say you’ve heard, but it seems that pamie’s Mum knew her way around a customer support service line. Yes. Brilliant woman, she. Anyway, since she’s the one that… sort of… you know… purchased the Tivo, she got the company to finally admit that the proper… channels, I guess you’d say, were to go through amazon.com, which is the company her Mum used to purchase the machine in the first place. Now at amazon, if you’ve got a bugger system that’s frozen up to high hell, then you just tell them and they… well, they send you a new one, which is what they should do, quite frankly. And they overnight it to you and then send you the paperwork to ship back the crap system. Which is what Tivo should be doing, but isn’t. So, God bless Amazon.com for being proper chaps about this whole mess, and it looks like pamie should be back to regular television viewing business in… uh… well, right around two days or so.
Right. Now. Let’s see here… urh, right. What else did she want me to mention? Huh. Right forgotten, it seems. Have I mentioned just how charming I look in these pants? They’re quite lovely. It’s the way they caress my buttocks as I sit in this chair. I just can’t stop rubbing my hands over my thighs, really. And, uh, well, it’s embarassing to say that I’m incredibly fucking nice to the touch right here next to my knee. I’m quite serious, here. And… really… what I’d like to say is that… well, I feel pretty, that’s all.
But back to gossip and apologies. Right. Uh, there’s not much to apologize for around here. Pamie wanted to apologize to… well, some of her… uh, you know, neighbors as of late. It seems her and Raymond got themselves on a doozy of a project, and… see, actually, Ray’s been down in the basement making quite the ruckus it seems. He had the idea to put all of their cords underground and now their high-tech home doesn’t look quite so much like the Unibomber meets Bill Gates. Right. Yes, incredibly bad joke that was postmarked 1997, I do believe that one was. But anyway…
Good. That’s all better then, right? Would you like me to rub your feet? Charming. Look at your little toes, how they just sort of… you know… jut out and beg to be kissed and then shunned. I just want to hide them in my mouth, trapped like little, uh… you know, tiny prisoners between my teeth.
Right. Moving on, then.
About my new movie. Yes. Well, we’re awful sorry that we made Bridget out to look like a terribly daft woman. It’s not my fault at all, really. I showed up every day with my hair and these eyes and I said my lines in the most effortlessly charming way that I… you know, rather, sort of… you know, do every time I’m on screen. Shame they just cut out most of the good parts of the book and decided to make it look like Bridget was a dumb blonde fatty. And, uh, yeah, it’s a shame that she wasn’t even fat after all of that malarky about Renee having to be… you know, a big fat ass to play the part. Shame she did that and actually just ended up with a rack that made me go cross-eyed. I put her whole left one in my mouth one Friday night. She was screaming something about laws and decency and… you know… rubbish like that… and I… well…
So, in any event, I do believe I’m starting to tire. That happens when I have to lay on the charm rather thick, and since I’ve spent most of this time just sort of rambling about this way and that, I haven’t really done anything more than chat and pose, which is the reason Elizabeth and I didn’t work out in the first place. Honestly, that woman just chats and poses all day long and when the two of us got started, well, you know… by the end of the day my jaw was practically on fire. I mean, do you have any idea what it’s like to be witty and charming day in and day out? You haven’t the foggiest, do you? You can’t. You’re not me.
You really aren’t, are you? No, I suppose not. And you won’t be. But that’s alright, see. Because, you know… if there were more than one of me out there then the world really couldn’t take it. Too many babies would be born from Hugh fantasies.
Don’t play the innocent, you out there. I know you think of me. Every time you go for that… urm… shower massager thingy you have.
I’ve taken up enough of my time, here. See my movie, hug your mum, eat your greens and get a blow-job from a transvestite hooker. Until you have, you haven’t lived my friend.
Love and all that… sort of… blubbery stuff,
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