Cult of 0

and why carnie wilson saved my life

Yesterday’s Oprah was just amazing. “Thin People That Used To Be Fat.” Ol’ Carnie out there freaking out about how she used to be too big to live and now she’s thin and lives off a pool of water every day and she doesn’t miss having an organ at all. She’s so insane. I love it.

Jeff and I used to just watch Carnie freak out on her talk show and laugh for hours. Jeff always remembers this time Carnie screamed, “Hey! I don’t come on your talk show and hit people!” I’m a big fan of, “Hey! This is my sister! Isn’t it great? My sister, Wendy! She’s so thin and pretty! Aren’t you, Wendy? Haven’t you always gotten everything you’ve wanted in life because you’re thin? Huh? Tell them, Wendy. I love you. I DO! Remember when we used to do each other’s hair? SHE’S MY SISTER EVERYBODY! YAY!”

Without Carnie, Jeff and I might not have ever finished college. She gave us the strength to go on.

But yesterday Oprah had this girl from her office on the show, and she was telling us how she had a Fat Intervention for poor Lisa in Accounts Receivable or whatever, and poor Lisa basically had to lose a hundred pounds to not lose her job.

Oprah’s bragging about how none of Lisa’s friends wanted to tell her that she was too fat, so she did it herself.

And Lisa’s sitting there and you can tell she’s like, “Well, Oprah, I was really surprised when you asked me to join your Spa Group. I mean, at first you were like, ‘All us fatties gonna have some fun!’ and then I realized that you were doing this just for me. Then I realized how much was at stake. I mean, I don’t want to lose my job, you know? And everyone was like, ‘We’re so sorry you’re fat, Lisa. It makes Oprah angry.’ And so I didn’t eat much and ran a lot and then entered the Chicago Marathon, which I had to do better than the rest of us so you didn’t fire me and I lost lots of weight so you didn’t fire me. So, uh, thanks for telling everyone in the office that you’re biggest problem was my fat ass, because now I’m totally afraid to eat. Go me. Oh, and I got a date, so you’re right, Oprah. You do improve lives. I mean, he didn’t pay for anything and turned out to be an asshole but at least someone cared about me. Like you care, Oprah. Thanks for not firing me. And I started going to a doctor about my acne so I’ll get that promotion next month.”

But back to Carnie. I love that unbalanced girl. She’s like, “HI! Hey! Hi!” She’s like Cal. And yesterday they’d be trying to have a conversation and Carnie just kept interrupting from the audience.

And what did you have to cut out of your diet that was the hardest?

Oh, I guess carb–

OH GOD! AREN’T THE CARBS HARD! They’re hard. Really hard. I’m all, “No, carbs! You’re bad! Stay away from my bottom, you big mean carbies! HEE-HA! Oh, God. Have I mentioned my sister, Wendy? I made her make a clip for you, Oprah about how proud of me she is.

Well, if we have time–


Hi, Oprah. It’s me, Wendy. Wendy Wilson, sister to Carnie Wilson. My sister used to be really fat, but now she’s not. So, I’m no longer the thin one in Wilson Phillips. I’m not the pretty one, the thin one, or the talented one. I’m no longer better than my sister in any way. Please call the police because Carnie has me locked in her cl–

I’m gonna cut the tape off here, Oprah! Can I just tell you? I think that I’m the only person that should ever get this surgery. Like, ever. I mean, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I mean, I have no stomach, you know? HEE-HA! I mean, that’s crazy! HE-HA! CRAZY! CARNIE CRAZY! CARNISAUR MUST EAT FLESH!

Up next one teen tells us how taping her mouth shut helps her remember her spirit.

I get the feeling that Carnie doesn’t realize that eventually she’ll just starve to death. It’s not like she’s ever going to be able to eat normally ever again, right? She’s just going to keep losing weight, tucking that skin into her shirt, freaking us all out day by day until she wastes away.

And I’m upset that all of our big girls that used to be proud of their bodies all lose weight and then talk about how miserable they were big and how they were just delusional thinking they were okay as heavy people. And then when they get big again nobody is supposed to say anything.

But as long as Carnie’s going to stay crazy, I’ll be happy.

I’m kind of freaking out right now because I’m doing this play festival thing tonight and I haven’t written a play in forever. And I’ve certainly never done anything like this here in LA. I did Fronterafest all the time in Austin, but I knew everyone there and it was fun and full of projects so even if yours wasn’t very good there was something there that was much worse and so much better that your mediocre work was erased from memory. This is only six plays. They’re going to remember if mine sucks.

And I can’t get my printer to work. And I should nap, since I’m going to be up all night writing.

I shall summon all the strength of Carnie to get me through it.

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