au revoir, mon petit carpet

Taylor checks in

Bonjour. It iz I. Taylor!

Can you feel zee fake happy in mah voice?

Yes, I thought so. I am a most unhappy fuzzybutt, indeed.

Do not get me wrong. I am enjoying zis Calfornia. Zee weather iz quite nice, and zee people are very very friendly indeed. It iz a larger home zan zee last one, and I can run from one place to another without bumping into zee other creature.

Zee tall creature named Ray likes to feed me zee French Fries. For zis, I am forever grateful. He also sneaks me little treats here and zere when zee pamie will not feed me any Pounce. I was quite fattened up by all of zee pounce you people sent to me this holiday season. Merci, friends.

Cal and I do not fight nearly as much. Zis is because we are in a place large enough that if he starts to look for me, he forgets why he is looking for me before he even finds zee hallway. Zis is quite nice. Plus, he haz discovered zee birds outside zee window. I am never az interesting as a group of birdies, yes?

And– and I do not know if I am to talk about zis, but… Cal seems to have picked himself up a girlfriend. It iz a sweet Calico from around zee corner. When she first started coming by I must admit I was a little bit sweet on her as well, and wanted very much to sniff her butt and bite her neck while I hump her quickly and then forget about her. But, alas, Cal won her heart (that iz what I get for choosing the Paul McCartney part of “Zee Girl Iz Mine” to sing to her).

Now he spends hiz time between zee birds and zee girlies and then zee napping that must commence from energy spent on zee birds and zee girlies. Zis means more nap time and lap time for me. I’ve taken to liking Pamie’s lap, but only when she is working. It iz more rewarding that way.

But I have digressed beyond your basic digression, no? I was going to tell you my problem here in California.

My problem is simple: they do not make any carpeting in this land. Everywhere is made of wood. No more precious carpet for me to much on. Zis iz very very depressing, my fine invisible friends.

I tried shedding lots and lots of fur, az it gathers in corners and starts to look like some sort of fabric that could possibly trap fine pieces of dirt, but pamie keeps on cleaning that up. I tried waiting in corners for spiderwebs to form, but that iz zee most boring hobby I have ever picked up– and there was a time I was into watching poop dry.

Licking zee wood floor iz out of zee question. Do you know what nasty bitz hit that floor? Cal haz no tail, people. Every time he decides to sit down, he iz pretty much assing wherever it iz he iz. Despite that, pamie still seems to have no problem putting her head on her pillow. She iz the most disgusting creature in zee world, I swear.

I just wish I could order a small patch of carpet and have a bunch of pamie’s Austin friends come over and walk on it, and have Becca spill just a bit of beer like she does, and have Weldon drop some ashes on it and then I can be truly happy, just munching and ripping away.

I do not like zee new Outkast video because now everyone thinks I have to bop my head up and down to their sad ass hip-hop beats that they try to bust on me. Iz so not cool, my friends.

I guess I am also a little bit bummed that I did not get anything for Valentine’s Day. I must admit I waz hoping for a small piece of chicken, or even a little song sung to me. But, no. I spent it alone, sitting on zee cold couch, listening to zee sounds of sirens outside, which matched zee wailing of my heart. Cal gave his Calico a hairball. She brought him a dead worm. Zey are in love. I, zee world-renowned French-Canadian Feline of International Lovin’, can’t even get a honey on his tabby tip.

But zis iz too sad to continue, no? I am not a pitiful kitty. I am Taylor! I am supreme!

I am hungry.

And sleepy.

No, I do not want a hug. Please, no, do not try to give me one. Please, no. Please. I am warning you. Do you see zee ears in zee warning position? I am warning you. I cannot help myself and I will end up biting zee shit out of you and then zee feet begin to kick. Do you hear zee morse code I am thumping out in my tail, telling you to back off?

RRRRiiiiiRIIIIhHH!

Oh, now, see what you made me do? You continued trying to give zee love, and now I had to go and bite you. You make it hard to love you when you do zee stupid things.

Your skin iz quite tasty, though. What lotion do you use? I like it.

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