something smells.

oh, right. the grammy nominations

Aw, yeah, people. It’s time for the Grammy nominations.







Category 1

Record Of The Year

Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) if other than the artist. This category is for a commercially released single, or track from a current year’s album.

1. Say My Name
Destiny’s Child
Rodney Jerkins, producer; LaShawn Daniels, Brad Gildem & Jean Marie Hurout, engineers/mixers
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records]

2. I Try
Macy Gray
Andrew Slater, producer; Dave Way, engineer/mixer
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

3. Music
Mirwais Ahmadzai & Madonna, producers
Track from: Music
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. Bye Bye Bye
Jake & Kristian Lundin, producers; Mike Tucker, engineer/mixer
Track from: No Strings Attached
[Jive Records]

5. Beautiful Day
Brian Eno & Daniel Lanois, producers; Steve Lillywhite & Richard Rainey, engineers/mixers
Track from: All That You Can’t Leave Behind
[Interscope Records]

Ooh, these are actually kind of good. This is a surprise. Take out “I Try,” as I’m just done with that song. So done with it. The other four are good songs. Okay, I’m really just saying “Beautiful Day” is good because I like U2 and I’m holding on to that dream.

“Music” is so much fun to dance to. So is “Say My Name.” Oh, and “Bye, Bye, Bye.” Oh, hell. I’m giving it to “Bye, Bye, Bye.” This song never got old. And made me like a boy band. That’s much more impressive than Madonna or Destiny’s Child.

Wait. Maybe Destiny’s Child.


“Bye, Bye, Bye.” There.

Category 2

Album Of The Year

Award to the Artist(s), and to the Album Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) if other than the artist.

1. Midnite Vultures
Beck Hansen & Dust Brothers, producers
[DGC/Interscope Records]

2. The Marshall Mathers LP
Jeff Bass, Mark Bass, Dr. Dre, Eminem & The 45 King, producers; Rich Behrens, Mike Butler, Chris Conway, Rob Ebeling, Michelle Forbes, Richard Segal Huredia, Steve King, Aaron Lepley, James McCrone, Akane Nakamura & Lance Pierre, engineers/mixers
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

3. Kid A
Radiohead, producer; Nigel Godrich, engineer/mixer
[Capitol Records]

4. You’re The One
Paul Simon
Paul Simon, producer; Andy Smith, engineer/mixer
[Warner Bros. Records]

5. Two Against Nature
Steely Dan
Walter Becker & Donald Fagen, producers; Phil Burnett, Roger Nichols, Dave Russell & Elliot Scheiner, engineers/mixers
[Giant Records]

Ah, now that’s what the Grammys are supposed to look like.

Paul Simon. Steely Dan. Steely Dan!

To quote stee, “Paul Simon and Steely Dan are the Two Against Nature.”

And Beck? Album of the year? Yes, yes, I know. Calm down, you Beck fans. I swear, sometimes they’re worse than the Tori fans.

It’s silly to even discuss, since Kid A is the clear winner, here. But I just wonder how they came up with these other albums to pad around Radiohead.

“But we know who’s going to win.”

“So, put in Steely Dan for a nomination.”

“Oh, man. That’s funny.”

“I know.”

“Can we do that?”

“Who’s going to stop us?”



Category 3

Song Of The Year

A Songwriter(s) Award. A song is eligible if it was first released or if it first achieved prominence during the Eligibility Year. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Beautiful Day
U2, songwriters (U2)
Track from: All That You Can’t Leave Behind
[Interscope Records; Publisher: Polygram Int’l Music Pub. B.V.]

2. Breathe
Stephanie Bentley & Holly Lamar, songwriters (Faith Hill)
Track from: Breathe
[Warner Bros. Records; Publishers: Cal IV Songs, Universal Songs Of Polygram Int’l Inc., Hopechest Music]

3. I Hope You Dance
Mark D. Sanders & Tia Sellers, songwriters (Lee Ann Womack)
Track from: I Hope You Dance
[Universal Records; Publishers: MCA Music Pub., Soda Creek Songs, Choice Is Tragic Music, Ensign Music Corp.]

4. I Try
Macy Gray, Jinsoo Lim, Jeremy Ruzumna & David Wilder, songwriters (Macy Gray)
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records; Publishers: Children Of The Forest On Behalf Of Itself & Mel-Boopie Music, April Music Inc., Jinsoo Lim Music, Roastitoasti]

5. Say My Name
LaShawn Daniels, Fred Jerkins III, Rodney Jerkins, Beyonc Knowles, LeToya Luckett, LaTavia Roberson & Kelendria Rowland, songwriters (Destiny’s Child)
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records; Publishers: EMI Blackwood Music Inc./Rodney Jerkins Prod., Ensign Music Corp./Fred Jerkins Pub., Beyonc Pub., LeToya Music Pub., Kelendria Music Pub., LaTavia Music Pub.]

I hope I never hear whatever song is that “I Hope You Dance.”

So, here we’re supposed to look at the lyrics, I assume. “I Try” went from a nice song I’d hear once in a while to a song that makes my skin crawl. That and the girl is clearly on so much crack she doesn’t even know her own name anymore.

But, come on, people. Again, there’s no contest. “Call me your boo?” That’s sheer poetry.

Even though I had to explain what this song means to Eric about seventeen times, it’s all good. And now he doesn’t like Destiny’s Child because it makes him feel like a bad person. That’s powerful girl-power lyrics. If a song makes you feel like you should buy your girl things and tell her she’s wonderful? Thank you, Beyonce. And all the other girls kicked out that are listed above.


Category 4

Best New Artist

For a new artist who releases, during the Eligibility Year, the first recording which establishes the public identity of that artist.

1. Shelby Lynne
2. Brad Paisley
3. Papa Roach
4. Jill Scott
5. Sisqo

Ah, the list of people we won’t ever have to hear from again. So refreshing.

Come on, Papa Roach. Make me proud. I’d rather listen to “The Thong Song” seventeen times in a row than have to hear one more repeat of “CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!”

And… Brad Paisley? What kind of name is that? Should I know this boy? His name is like, “Dude. You like Brad Paisley? You know he’s gay, right? I mean, as long as you know that and you can admit that you’ve got no chance with him at all, that’s okay, then, right? I mean… Brad Paisley? Can’t you just have a crush on Peter Madras?”


Category 5

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. What A Girl Wants
Christina Aguilera
Track from: Christina Aguilera
[RCA Label Group]

2. I Try
Macy Gray
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

3. Music
Track from: Music
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. Save Me
Aimee Mann
Track from: Magnolia – Music From The Motion Picture
[Reprise Records]

5. Both Sides Now
Joni Mitchell
Track from: Both Sides Now
[Reprise Records]

6. Oops!…I Did It Again
Britney Spears
Track from: Oops!…I Did It Again
[Jive Records]

There must be some mistake here. Six nominations. Somehow the ballot got screwed up with something from 1972, because there’s not other reason that JONI MITCHELL would be nominated for a GRAMMY in the year 2000.

Joni Mitchell? Did I miss something? Okay, first of all, the sound of Joni Mitchell’s voice makes the skin on my forehead tighten and clench. My hairline recedes. My gums hurt. And that song… I remember that song. Why is it just now getting nominated? Did she do a remix of her own song? WHY? WHY with the folking and the strumming?

Man. I’m giving this one to Britney. It’s time she won something.

Yeah, I know, it should go to Aimee Mann. Yes, I know she’s underrepresented. But you’ll like her more if she doesn’t win anything and most people don’t know how cool she is. Trust me. I’m listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers Mother’s Milk right now, and I’ve never forgotten that moment my heart broke when I heard the cheerleaders at my high school ripping “Under the Bridge” to shreds.

Give it to Britney. You’ll thank me later.


Category 6

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. You Sang To Me
Marc Anthony
Track from: Marc Anthony
[Columbia Records]

2. Taking You Home
Don Henley
Track from: Inside Job
[Warner Bros. Records]

3. She Bangs
Ricky Martin
[Columbia Records]

4. 6, 8, 12
Brian McKnight
Track from: Back At One
[Motown Records]

5. She Walks This Earth (Soberana Rosa)
Track from: A Love Affair – The Music Of Ivan Lins (Various Artists)
[Telarc Records]

Somewhere there’s a special place for the artists that can get nominated year after damn year even if they didn’t have a song released that year. Even if they’re dead. Even if they wrote a song that no one ever heard.

If any of you bought a Don Henley album this year and can actually sing “Taking You Home” to me, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to stop reading my website. His album is called Inside Job, which is the only way I can see him getting a Grammy nomination, here, anyway.

And what is up with that Sting song? I had to hear that damn “Desert Rose” song like, seven thousand times. Why not nominate that one? I put up with a lot for that song. Is that the same song? Maybe it is. I don’t know. But, man.

That Brian McKnight song looks like something from “Sesame Street,” right down to the album title.

And I raise my bottle of lemonade that this might be the last time we hear from Marc Anthony.

Go ahead with your bad self, Ricky. I’ll show you banging, boy. Just come on over. You know you’ve been waiting too long for some action from the pamie section.

(I am aware that my Ricky fixation is about as viable as having a crush on Brad Paisley, but I’d appreciate it if you’d just let me live in my fantasy world every once in a while.)


Category 7

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

For established duos or groups. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely
Backstreet Boys
Track from: Millenium
[Jive Records]

2. Pinch Me
Barenaked Ladies
Track from: Maroon
[Reprise Records]

3. Breathless
The Corrs
Track from: In Blue
[143/Lava/Atlantic Records]

4. Bye Bye Bye
Track from: No Strings Attached
[Jive Records]

5. Cousin Dupree
Steely Dan
Track from: Two Against Nature
[Giant Records]

Steely God Damn Dan. What is up? Cousin Dupree? I mumbled something out loud about Steely Dan and the first thing Ray said? “Aw, that’s good. Yeah. Steely Dan.” And then he did some sort of clapping. I then made him take Cal off his lap.

When did Steely Dan become Pop? Is it Pop? I was all, “Steely Dan is still alive?” which sent stee into giggles, but whatever. Band or man, I think the Grammys have forgotten what year it is or something has gone heinously wrong on the ballot that meshed this year with a bunch of other years.

Anyway, that Backstreet Boys song is crap. I know you people have a thing for The Corrs, but I haven’t heard one song yet. This means I must default to the *NSYNC because “Bye, Bye, Bye” rules you.

I don’t want to talk about the Barenaked Ladies. I refuse to buy into America’s love affair with them. I’ll see you post break-up on that one.


Category 8

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

For a collaborative performance by artists who do not normally perform together. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Thank God I Found You
Mariah Carey Featuring Joe & 98
Track from: Rainbow
[Columbia Records]

2. The Difficult Kind
Sheryl Crow & Sarah McLachlan
Track from: Live From Central Park
[A&M/Interscope Records]

3. All The Way
Celine Dion (& Frank Sinatra)
Track from: All The Way…A Decade Of Song
[Epic/550 Music]

4. Turn Your Lights Down Low
Lauryn Hill (& Bob Marley)
Track from: The Best Man – Music From The Motion Picture (Various)
[Sony Music Soundtrax]

5. Is You Is, Or Is You Ain’t (My Baby)
B.B. King & Dr. John
Track from: Let The Good Times Roll
[MCA Records]

Thank God I didn’t hear any of these songs this year.

And for Pete’s sake, isn’t Celine gone yet? She keeps promising and then releasing. Promising and then torturing.

I’ll just give it to Lauryn Hill here because I love her, but my hatred of the Bob Marley tells me that I probably don’t want to do this. But really, she’s the least of the evils, here.


Category 9

Best Pop Instrumental Performance

For instrumental recordings, with or without vocal coloring, by an Orchestra, Group or Soloist.

Singles or Tracks only.

1. Overture (Selmasongs)
Björk; Vincent Mendoza, conductor
Track from: Selmasongs
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

2. Rebel Heart
The Corrs
Track from: In Blue
[143/Lava/Atlantic Records]

3. Zona Mona
Bla Fleck & The Flecktones
Track from: Outbound
[Columbia Records]

4. Caravan
The Brian Setzer Orchestra
Track from: Vavoom!
[Interscope Records]

5. Camaleao
Grover Washington, Jr.
Track from: A Love Affair – The Music Of Ivan Lins (Various Artists)
[Telarc Records]

What a strange category. Björk’s “Overture” here is absolutely beautiful, so that’s the one I’m going with. But I just want to point out Brian Setzer’s ability to get nominated for something each and every year.


Category 10

Best Dance Recording

For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Singles or tracks only.

1. Who Let The Dogs Out
Baha Men
Track from: Who Let The Dogs Out
[S-Curve Records]

2. Blue (Da Ba Dee)
Eiffel 65
Track from: Europop
[Republic/Universal Records]

3. Be With You
Enrique Iglesias
Track from: Enrique
[Interscope Records]

4. Let’s Get Loud
Jennifer Lopez
Track from: On The 6

5. Natural Blues
Track from: Play
[V2 Records]

Dammit! I had just gotten that “Blue” song out of my head for the first time in nine months, too.

I guess I’m going with Moby on this one, but is that the best we can do in dance songs this year? Because that’s really sad. I’m sure there were more. There have to be. Can’t Madonna’s “Music” get nominated here? I mean, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Does anyone dance to that? I suppose there’s that shaky motion that your body gets as you have to stand up and walk over to the radio and change the dial, but it’s hardly considered dancing, is it?

Dear Enrique,

Are you done yet? Just wondering.


The World.


Category 11

Best Pop Instrumental Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. Audio
Blue Man Group
[Virgin Records America]

2. Faith – A Holiday Album
Kenny G
[Arista Records]

3. Symphony No. 1
Joe Jackson
[Sony Classical]

4. Pieces In A Modern Style
William Ørbit
[Maverick Records]

5. Hymns – In The Garden
Kirk Whalum
[Top Drawer Records]

Here it is. This is the soundtrack to the small cube I will live in for all eternity when I’m sent to hell. Hope you feel sorry for me now. This is it.

I’ll pull all of my toenails out and cry and eat my eyelashes and rock back and forth and develop a strange fascination with the Blue Man Group just to feel like I’m still arty and interesting. I’ll have a crush on “The blue one,” and plan our children together.

I’ll march down the imaginary aisle to Kenny G and whatever “symphony” Joe Jackson has claimed to come up with. I’ll take the Ø in William Ørbit’s name. I’ll do whatever it is I have to do to repent for all of the terrible, horrible things I’ve said in my lifetime.

I’ll have to write love notes to Gary Sinise and tell him that I don’t really think that he eats baby hands for dinner.

I’ll have to tell Tea Leoni that I hear she’s actually a very nice person and that I’m sure Weldon thinks she’s funnier than I am.

I’ll be forced to date Michael Jackson because I wished so hard for him when I was eight, and I’ll have to spend the rest of my eternal life shouting in my white trash voice, “Y’all don’t know! He’s special! We have a special love that y’all don’t know! You shut up! Y’all shut up! Y’all don’t know!”


Category 12

Best Pop Vocal Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. Inside Job
Don Henley
[Warner Bros. Records]

2. Music
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

3. No Strings Attached
[Jive Records]

4. Oops!…I Did It Again
Britney Spears
[Jive Records]

5. Two Against Nature
Steely Dan
[Giant Records]

Good golly. Now, there’s a list of nominations, people.

I imagine right now there’s a phone conversation going on where Madonna is calmly trying to explain to Britney that Don Henly and Steely Dan are not parts of an obscure boy band and that she doesn’t have to worry about breaking up with Justin to date any of them.

By the way, aside from the actual song “Music,” that Madonna album is a giant piece of technopoo. “Music” is the only song that sounds like Madonna is having any fun at all. The rest of the album is like she wasn’t even there.

For her sake, I hope she wasn’t.

Oh, hell. Give this one to Henley. I want to see him cry and shake and be ever-so-humble about his “Inside Job.”


Category 13

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. As Time Goes By
Bryan Ferry
[Virgin Records America]

2. It’s Like This
Rickie Lee Jones
[Artemis Records]

3. Songs From The Last Century
George Michael
[Virgin Records America]

4. Both Sides Now
Joni Mitchell
[Reprise Records]

5. Timeless – Live In Concert
Barbra Streisand
[Columbia Records]

What has happened, here, people? I can’t take this.


Category 14

Best Female Rock Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Paper Bag
Fiona Apple
Track from: When The Pawn
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

2. There Goes The Neighborhood
Sheryl Crow
Track from: Live From Central Park
[A&M/Interscope Records]

3. Enough Of Me
Melissa Etheridge
Track from: Breakdown
[Island/Def Jam Music Group]

4. So Pure
Alanis Morissette
Track from: Woodstock, 99 (Various Artists)
[Hybrid/Epic Records]

5. Glitter In Their Eyes
Patti Smith
Track from: Gung Ho
[Arista Records]

Well, at least Melissa Etheridge has figured out what the world really thinks about her. That’s good.

I had no idea Alanis had a song this year. I’d like to thank the radio stations for keeping this one on the down low. This one clearly goes to Fiona, because me and seven other people love When the Pawn, and I don’t care.


Category 15

Best Male Rock Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Thursday’s Child
David Bowie
Track from: Hours…
[Virgin Records America]

2. Things Have Changed
Bob Dylan
Track from: Wonder Boys – Music From The Motion Picture (Various Artists)
[Columbia/Sony Music Soundtrax]

3. Workin’ It
Don Henley
Track from: Inside Job
[Warner Bros. Records]

4. Again
Lenny Kravitz
Track from: Greatest Hits
[Virgin Records America]

5. Into The Void
Nine Inch Nails
Track from: The Fragile
[Nothing/Interscope Records]


Hello? Lenny?

Yeah. Let me guess.

You did it again, baby.

Yeah, I know. That’s why I named the album that.

You did what?

Named the album “Again.”

Why’d you name it again?

Because it’s a joke.

What was wrong with the name before?

What name?


What name?


No, I named it that.



Why’d you name it “Again” again?”

What did I get nominated for?

Best male rock vocal, baby.



I know. That’s the… never mind. Who’m I nominated with?

Oh, right. That’s always your favorite part for some reason, isn’t it? Uh… let’s see… Bowie, Dylan, Henley, and the dude from Nine Inch Nails.

This is so fucking perfect.

Don’t be thinking they’re going to be onto you and cancel out your deal with the devil. This nomination doesn’t look any more suspicious than your others. You’re Grammy Gold, baby.


Don’t worry, kid. You’ll beat him. Don’t let him get you down.

No. There’s no way I’ll ever get more nominations than Henley. The guy is a nomination god.

But you’ve got VH-1.

So does he.


Him too.

Well… he’s gonna die someday. And you’ll still be getting nominations.

Me and Bob Dylan. Together at last.

Glad to hear you’re having a more positive reaction to your nominations these days.

What else am I supposed to do?



In other tragic news, at approximately 8:35 Pacific time this morning, shortly after the Grammy nominations had been announced, Trent Reznor, lead singer of Nine Inch Nails, jumped to his death declaring that rock, along with all that is holy, is officially dead.

Marilyn Manson was apparently there during Reznor’s final moments to taunt and declare himself officially, “Much much fucking cooler, dude.”


Category 16

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

For Duos or Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. It’s My Life
Bon Jovi
Track from: Crush
[Island/Def Jam Music Group]

2. With Arms Wide Open
Track from: Human Clay

3. Learn To Fly
Foo Fighters
Track from: There Is Nothing Left To Lose
[RCA Records]

4. Californication
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Track from: Californication
[Warner Bros. Records]

5. Beautiful Day
Track from: All That You Can’t Leave Behind
[Interscope Records]


Pamie! Pamie! For God’s sake, get down from that ledge.

No! I can’t! I’m gonna pull a Trent! I want to just… I can’t take it anymore!

Nothing is worth ending your life, Pamie.

Oh yeah? Did you see who you’re nominated with for best Rock Group this year?

No, but it’s usually us, Rage, the Chili Peppers, Metallica and like, Korn or something. What’s wrong with that?

Dave! I’m sorry to break this to you, but it’s Bon Jovi.

Oh, fuck!

I know!

Jesus. And I was going to go out tonight. Now I can’t show my face. Oh, God. Fucking Bon Jovi, are you fucking kidding?

I don’t want to live anymore.

Look, it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. Look, how about you get down and the two of us will go get tattoos that say “Rock is Dead, Reznor Lives, 2001” on the small of our backs and then we’ll get shitty drunk and go do Karaoke together, okay?

That sounds wonderful, and you know I want to do that, but…

Come on, baby. I hate it when my beautiful imaginary girlfriend is so pouty. The pouty princess face makes me sad, you know that. Come on down and give your sweet Dave a hug.


It can’t possibly. You’re just overreacting. Come down here. I’m almost naked!

DAVE, SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! It’s Creed! It’s Creed! Creed!


Creed! They’re also nominated. Next to you. They’re nominated and Bon Jovi’s nominated and then the Chili’s and U2 of course, but I just don’t want to live in a world where you, Bon Jovi and Creed will all be mentioned in the same sentence.

Are you sure?

YES I’M SURE. That’s why I’m on this LEDGE. Hello?

Hello, yourself! Move over! I’m getting up there!

No! You have too much to live for.

I don’t have shit. I only have you now, and you don’t want to live, so I don’t either.

I’m sorry!

I was in NIRVANA for fuck’s sake!

I know!

What kind of world?

This is no way to live.

Will you hold me?

Forever. What are you doing?

I’m calling up Thom Yorke to see how he handles this all the time.

Good idea. Tell him he still owes me a Scrabble game.




Category 17

Best Hard Rock Performance

For solo vocals, or Duos/Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. American Bad Ass
Kid Rock
Track from: The History Of Rock
[Top Dog/Lava/Atlantic Records]

2. Take A Look Around (Theme From “M:I-2”)
Limp Bizkit
Track from: Mission: Impossible 2 – Music From And Inspired By
[Hollywood Records]

3. Grievance
Pearl Jam
Track from: Binaural
[Epic Records]

4. Guerrilla Radio
Rage Against The Machine
Track from: The Battle Of Los Angeles
[Epic Records]

5. Down
Stone Temple Pilots
Track from: No. 4
[Atlantic Records]

Dear World:

We’re really sorry. Whatever it is that we did that make y’all put that curse on us that made us write just shitty music and get stuck in the hell known as Grammy nominations– we’re really damn sorry. I’m sorry about that remake of the fifties song last year. I don’t know. Don’t try meth, that’s all the advice I have about that. That was my little piece of wisdom I picked up from that whole sounding-like-Goat Boy experience.

I really had no right to treat y’all like you were just a bunch of mindless freaks who would buy anything I shit out. I’m really sorry about releasing ninteen different live albums this year when only one of them was really actually worth anything.

I’ve learned my lesson. The only band that’s allowed to just put out compliations and remixes and not really do anything new and still get awards and nominations and mad cash are the Beastie Boys. And that’s because they’re musical gods that have earned that title, and I haven’t done anything that’s worth a shit since “Jeremy.”

It’s just… I look over this list of nominations and I realize now that we’ve fallen into this category of “artists that just get nominations but everyone secretly hates now, but has to pretend they still like them because that’s what you do if you know anything about music.”

The only cool one up there is Zach because he knew well enough to just walk the fuck away from a band that releases an all-cover album. I never wanted to be listed with Fred Durst and Kid Rock. I mean, my mom reads these nominations, you know? It’s fucking embarassing.

And, yeah, Weiland’s up there, but he doesn’t even know how to tie his own shoes anymore, much less know how to read. They told him he was nominated for best cock and he’s all boasting. You should have seen the flowers he sent to me this morning. Thought we were both nominated for “Best Cock.” It’s these orchids with this syringe popping out of the… why am I telling you this? Totally off track, here. Sorry.

I’m going back to the studio now. If you guys could find it in your hearts to forgive me and lift that curse of suck, I’d really appreciate it.

On my knees, trying to be a better man,

Eddie Vedder


Category 18

Best Metal Performance

For solo vocals, or Duos/Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Elite
Track from: White Pony
[Maverick Recording Company]

2. The Wicker Man
Iron Maiden
Track from: Brave New World
[Portrait/Columbia Records]

3. Astonishing Panorama Of The Endtimes
Marilyn Manson
Track from: The Last Tour On Earth AND FROM MTV Celebrity Deathmatch (Various Artists)
[Interscope Records]

4. Revolution Is My Name
Track from: Reinventing The Steel

5. Wait And Bleed
Track from: Slipknot
[Roadrunner Records]

Give up. Go home. All of you. It’s over. It’s all over.

Iron Maiden.

Dude, have you seen those guys from Slipknot? For everyone’s sake, I hope they either win or are banned from the awards ceremony. Not just the band, but the fans. Those clown-mask-wearing-face-slashing-blood-drinking fuckers would scare Crispen Glover.

In other news, a recent autopsy on Rock legend Trent Reznor, deceased frontman for Nine Inch Nails, has revealed a peculiar message. Written in what can only be described as internal scratches on his chest, not unlike a scene from The Exorcist, are the words: “Manson: Ha. Ha. HA. Fucker. Your turn.”


Category 19

Best Rock Instrumental Performance

Includes Rock, Hard Rock and Metal Instrumentals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Off The Hook
Peter Frampton
Track from: Live In Detroit
[CMC International]

2. The Call Of The Ktulu
Metallica With Michael Kamen Conducting The San Francisco Symphony Orchestra
Track from: S & M
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

3. First Tube
Track from: Farmhouse
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

4. Until We Say Goodbye
Joe Satriani
Track from: Engines Of Creation
[Epic Records]

5. Electric Lullaby
Kenny Wayne Shepherd Band
Track from: Live On
[Giant Records]

Take that, Metallica. Look what you’ve become. Take a fucking good luck at your Frampton/Phish/Satriani asses.

The shortest straw has been drawn for you.


Category 20

Best Rock Song

A Songwriter(s) Award. Includes Rock, Hard Rock & Metal songs. For Song Eligibility Guidelines see Category #3. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Again
Lenny Kravitz, songwriter (Lenny Kravitz)
[Virgin Records America; Publisher: Miss Bessie Music]

2. Bent
Rob Thomas, songwriter (Matchbox Twenty)
Track from: Mad Season
[Melisma/Lava/Atlantic Records; Publisher: EMI Blackwood Music, Inc./Bidnis, Inc.]

3. Californication
Flea, John Frusciante, Anthony Kiedis & Chad Smith, songwriters (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Track from: Californication
[Warner Bros. Records; Publisher: Moebetoblame Music]

4. Kryptonite
Brad Arnold, Todd Harrell & Matt Roberts, songwriters (3 Doors Down)
Track from: The Better Life
[Republic/Universal Records; Publisher: Escatawpa Songs]

5. With Arms Wide Open
Scott Stapp & Mark Tremonti, songwriters (Creed)
Track from: Human Clay
[Wind-Up; Publisher: Tremonti/Stapp Music]

“A Songwriter Award.” Really.

God, Creed’s going to win this one and I shall cry the tears of a thousand mourners.

I just had to go outside for a little while. My DSL has gone down for an hour, now. I can’t post this, and I can’t check mail. My entire apartment is weeping for music.



That’s right, bitches.




Category 21

Best Rock Album

For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Includes Hard Rock and Metal.

1. Crush
Bon Jovi
[Island/Def Jam Music Group]

2. There Is Nothing Left To Lose
Foo Fighters
[RCA/Roswell Records]

3. Mad Season
Matchbox Twenty
[Melisma/Lava/Atlantic Records]

4. Return Of Saturn
No Doubt
[Interscope/Trauma Records]

5. The Battle Of Los Angeles
Rage Against The Machine
[Epic Records]

Oh, here’s No Doubt. The one nomination. Lovely.

This is really all so terribly depressing, isn’t it?

I want my boyfriend Dave Grohl to win, but there’s only one nomination for No Doubt, and I really like Return of Saturn, and as much as I love Foo Fighters, I don’t love There is Nothing Left To Lose more than The Colour and the Shape, so I think I want No Doubt to win here.

And I wish matchbox twenty and Bon Jovi would get into a fist fight.


Category 22

Best Alternative Music Album

For solos, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental.

1. When The Pawn
Fiona Apple
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

2. Midnite Vultures
[DGC/Interscope Records]

3. Bloodflowers
The Cure
[Fiction/Elektra Entertainment Group]

4. Liverpool Sound Collage
Paul McCartney
[Capitol Records]

5. Kid A
[Capitol Records]

First of all, before I even looked at the nominations, I was totally kidding around going, “Here’s where they nominate The Cure because it’s the law.”

I bought Bloodflowers a very long time ago. So long ago, I didn’t remember that it was even possibly able to be considered for this year. I had to sit down I was so shocked.

Yes, I know. You’re right now sitting there, rubbing your eyes, screaming, “What? Who? How?”

Paul McCartney. His Radiohead meets The Cure achievement.

I can’t really explain it all, here. The best thing for you to do is some of your own exploring, right here.

It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve listened to Steely Dan.

If you’re back now, hi. I know you’re a different person, having listened to those soundclips. I know I know. It’s all going to be okay. Sir McCartney has had a very difficult year. He didn’t really mean to hurt you. He didn’t really mean to make you cry.

Okay, Radiohead. Go home with this one.


Category 23

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Try Again
Track from: Romeo Must Die – The Album (Various)
[Blackground/Virgin Records America]

2. Bag Lady
Erykah Badu
Track from: Mama’s Gun
[Motown Records]

3. He Wasn’t Man Enough
Toni Braxton
Track from: The Heat
[LaFace Records]

4. As We Lay
Kelly Price
Track from: Mirror Mirror
[Def Soul Records]

5. Gettin’ In The Way
Jill Scott
Track from: Who Is Jill Scott? Words And Sounds Vol.1
[Hidden Beach Recordings]

Um, didn’t “Bag Lady” come out yesterday? Just checking.

Oh, Toni Braxton. So still here. So still not making me like you. Every once in a while I get tricked. Then I remember: you’re a man.

Who’s Kelly Price or Jill Scott? Who is Jill Scott? indeed.

Aaliyah’s “Try Again” is catchy. But, you know, Erykah is the winner in any book. But seriously, that song came out yesterday.

For those of you keeping score at home, my DSL is still down. I’ve completely detached all electronic devices and put them back together. Nothing. Can’t get any connection. I’m cut off from the world listening to Ella Fitzgerald sing Christmas songs (because I’m too lazy to find that CD in the changer and switch it with something else) and a list of crap-ass songs getting lauded for being extraordinarily crappy.

Kill me.


Category 24

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Untitled (How Does It Feel)
Track from: Voodoo
[Virgin Records America]

2. I Wanna Know
Track from: My Name Is Joe
[Jive Records]

3. I Wish
R. Kelly
Track from: TP-2.COM
[Jive Records]

4. Stay Or Let It Go
Brian McKnight
Track from: Back At One
[Motown Records]

5. Thong Song
Track from: Unleash the Dragon
[Def Soul Records]

I wanna know how Joe has been so busy this year. I wish R. Kelly was gone.

I swear I’ve mocked this list of nominees before. I’m pretty sure I gave it to Sisqo. I’m pretty sure D’Angelo won.

So, we’ll just say all of those things again.


Category 25

Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

For duos or groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Pass You By
Boyz II Men
Track from: Nathan/Michael/Shawn/Wanya
[Universal Records]

2. Say My Name
Destiny’s Child
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records]

3. 911
Wyclef Jean Featuring Mary J. Blige
Track from: The Ecleftic – 2 Sides II A Book
[Columbia Records]

4. Dance Tonight
Lucy Pearl
Track from: Lucy Pearl
[Beyond Music/Pookie Records]

5. Coming Back Home
BeBe Winans Featuring Brian McKnight & Joe
Track from: Love & Freedom
[Motown Records]

Boyz II Men? People! Did you know they were still around? I mean, really? Did you know that? I had no idea. They’re still making tracks on something called Nathan/Michael/Shawn/Wanya, which sounds like a real winner, there.

I swear there’s something wrong with this year’s ballot.

Hey, I’ve done all of you a favor, by the way. You don’t have to thank me. I bought the Wyclef album The Ecleftic. Now you don’t have to. Don’t.

Go, go “Say My Name.”


Category 26

Best R&B Song

A Songwriter(s) Award. For Song Eligibility Guidelines see Category #3. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Bag Lady
Erykah Badu, songwriter (Erykah Badu)
Track from: Mama’s Gun
[Motown Records]

2. He Wasn’t Man Enough
LaShawn Daniels, Fred Jerkins III, Rodney Jerkins & Harvey Mason Jr., songwriters (Toni Braxton)
Track from: The Heat
[LaFace Records; Publishers: Rodney Jerkins Prod./EMI Blackwood Music Inc., Fred Jerkins Pub./Famous-Ensign Music Pub. Corp., LaShawn Daniels, Inc., EMI April Music Pub., First Avenue Music/BMG]

3. Say My Name
LaShawn Daniels, Fred Jerkins III, Rodney Jerkins, Beyonc Knowles, LeToya Luckett, LaTavia Roberson & Kelendria Rowland, songwriters (Destiny’s Child)
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records; Publishers: EMI Blackwood Music, Inc./Rodney Jerkins Prod., Ensign Music Corp./Fred Jerkins Pub., Beyonc Pub., LeToya Music Pub., Kelendria Music Pub., LaTavia Music Pub.]

4. Thong Song
Mark Andrews, Tim Kelley & Bob Robinson, songwriters (Sisqo)
Track from: Unleash The Dragon
[Def Soul Records]

5. Untitled (How Does It Feel)
D’Angelo & Raphael Saadiq, songwriters (D’Angelo)
Track from: Voodoo
[Virgin Records America; Publishers: Universal-Polygram Int’l Pub. Inc., Ah-Choo Pub., First Echo Pub.]

Wow. Lots of people write these songs, huh? There’s a difference when you move to R&B.

God, it’s so easy to just say “Say My Name” and then move on. But I just can’t believe some of these songs that we’ve put up with over the past year. I’m so glad 2000 is over.


Category 27

Best R&B Album

For solo artists, Duos/Groups, vocal or instrumental.

1. Nathan/Michael/Shawn/Wanya
Boyz II Men
[Universal Records]

2. The Heat
Toni Braxton
[LaFace Records]

3. Voodoo
[Virgin Records America]

4. My Name Is Joe
[Jive Records]

5. Who Is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds Vol. 1
Jill Scott
[Hidden Beach Recordings]

6. Unleash The Dragon
[Def Soul Records]

I do not own one of these albums. I hope, for your sake, you don’t either.

Okay, I’ll let that D’Angelo slide. He’s supposed to be good. But if you own Unleash the Dragon? The world is laughing at you.


Category 28

Best Traditional R&B Vocal Album

For solo vocal performances or duos or groups with vocals.

1. All The Man You Need
Will Downing
[Motown Records]

2. Cool
George Duke
[Warner Bros. Records]

3. That’s For Sure
Jeffrey Osborne
[Private Music]

4. Gotta Get The Groove Back
Johnnie Taylor
[Malaco Records]

5. Ear-Resistible
The Temptations
[Motown Records]

I just think that Temptations album title is damn funny. I hope the next one they release is called Ear-Ritate. That’s all. Moving on.


Category 29

Best Rap Solo Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. The Light
Track from: Like Water For Chocolate
[MCA Records]

2. Party Up
Track from: …And Then There Was X
[Def Jam Records]

3. The Real Slim Shady
Track from: The Marshall Mathers LP
[Aftermath/Interscope Records]

4. Shake Ya Ass
Track from: Let’s Get Ready
[Jive Records]

5. Country Grammar
Track from: Country Grammar
[Universal Records]

I hope I never have to hear Nelly again. Let him win this, if that’s what it means. But “Party Up” rules. I can’t stop dancing when it’s on. I don’t care. Don’t judge me. You don’t know. The song is fun.

But, yeah, “The Real Slim Shady” is one of the best rap songs over the past year as far as I’m concerned. I may not like the boy, but the boy’s got skills.


Category 30

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group

For a Duo or Group performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Alive
Beastie Boys
Track from: Beastie Boys Anthology: The Sounds Of Science
[Grand Royal Records]

2. Oooh.
De La Soul Featuring Redman
Track from: Art Official Intelligence: Mosaic Thump
[Tommy Boy Music]

3. Forgot About Dre
Dr. Dre Featuring Eminem
Track from: Dr. Dre – 2001
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

4. The Next Episode
Dr. Dre Featuring Snoop Dogg
Track from: Dr. Dre – 2001
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

5. Big Pimpin’
Jay-Z Featuring UGK
Track from: Vol. 3…Life And Times Of S. Carter
[Roc-A-Fella/Def Jam Records]

I like “Oooh.” because they put a period in the title. That’s cool. I’ve heard nothing but good things about that new De La album, I just haven’t bought it yet.

Go Dr. Dre on this one, huh?

Ugh! “Big Pimpin’.” Dammit! Now I’m all angry and gnashing my teeth and the injustice of Jay-Z and his crap-rap flute-shit that I had to hear all last year. With the “nugh!” and the “Wah!” and the flute and the crap. There isn’t a word powerful enough for how angry his music makes me.

I really don’t know what the Beasties are doing here. “Alive” wasn’t new, was it? I don’t care. I have the new Beasties DVD and it makes me very very happy.

Go Dre, I guess.


Category 31

Best Rap Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. …And Then There Was X
[Def Jam Records]

2. Dr. Dre – 2001
Dr. Dre
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

3. The Marshall Mathers LP
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

4. Vol. 3…Life And Times Of S. Carter
[Roc-A-Fella/Def Jam Records]

5. Country Grammar
[Universal Records]

Were there only five rap albums this year? I can’t tell.

Eminem. For what the album did for rap in the press this year.

Skipping Latin, World Beat, Polka, Country, Classical and such since I’m terribly unqualified to have an opinion on those things…


Category 70

Best Spoken Word Album

(Narrated/dramatized books include authors’ names in parentheses for identification.)

1. The Complete Shakespeare Sonnets
Various Artists (Including Kathleen Turner, Patrick Stewart, Al Pacino & Others)

2. Married To Laughter – A Love Story Featuring Anne Meara (Jerry Stiller)
Jerry Stiller
[BDD Audio]

3. The Measure Of A Man (Sidney Poitier)
Sidney Poitier
[Harper Audio]

4. On The Road – Unabridged (Jack Kerouac)
Matt Dillon

5. Shopgirl (Steve Martin)
Steve Martin
[Simon & Schuster Audio]

Wow. Look at all of the wasted spoken words. And what is Matt Dillon doing? Is he that not busy that he has time to sit in a studio and read out loud the unabridged On the Road? Someone give that boy some work to do, please. He’s too good for this.

It probably only took Steve Martin three hours to read Shopgirl.

Oh, that Sonnets thing. Look at that. What a bad date.


Category 71

Best Spoken Comedy Album

For spoken word comedy recordings.

1. Big Funny
Jeff Foxworthy
[DreamWorks Nashville]

2. Braindroppings
George Carlin
[HighBridge Audio]

3. I Rant, Therefore I Am
Dennis Miller
[BDD Audio]

4. The Original Kings Of Comedy
Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric The Entertainer & Bernie Mac
[Universal Records]

5. The Prisoner Of Second Avenue
Richard Dreyfuss & Marsha Mason
[L.A. Theatre Works]

Foxworthy! You’re so cunning! So tricky! So omnipresent!

We haven’t laughed at you in twelve years and yet, you’re one of the most prolific comics in the world!

Plays on tape. Now there’s a new one. Thanks, Dreyfuss and Mason, for opening up a new world of pain on car trips.


Category 73

Best Compilation Soundtrack Album For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media

Award to the Artist(s) and/or Producer(s) of a majority of the tracks on the album, or to the individual(s) actively responsible for the concept and musical direction and for the selection of artists, songs and producers, as applicable. Albums only.

1. Almost Famous
Various Artists
[DreamWorks Records]

2. Fantasia/2000
James Levine Conducting The Chicago Symphony Orchestra
[Walt Disney Records]

3. High Fidelity
Various Artists
[Hollywood Records]

4. Magnolia
Aimee Mann
[Reprise Records]

5. The Sopranos
Various Artists
[Sony Music Soundtrax/Columbia Records]

The DSL is still down, for those of you biting your nails.

Yeah, I figured it was just me.

Let’s see, I have the last three of these nominated albums. All three are good. I think High Fidelity does a good job of keeping the mood of the movie, but is missing something. It’s worth it for that Beta Band song, though.

Ih, Magnolia, I guess. As I have lots of memories of listening to that album and getting all maudlin and yearn-y and all of the emotions I suppose you’re supposed to feel while you listen.


Category 75

Best Song Written For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media.

A Songwriter(s) award. This category is for a song (melody & lyrics) written specifically for a motion picture, television or other visual media, and commercially released on a recording for the first time during the Eligibility Year. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. The Great Beyond (From Man On The Moon)
Peter Buck, Mike Mills & Michael Stipe, songwriters (R.E.M.)
[Warner Bros. Records; Publisher: Temporary Music]

2. Independent Women Part I (From Charlie’s Angels)
Samuel Barnes, Beyonc Knowles, Jean Claude Olivier & Corey Rooney, songwriters (Destiny’s Child)
[Columbia/Sony Music Soundtrax; Publishers: Enot Pub./Sony ATV Tunes LLC, Sony ATV/Cori Tiffani Pub., Beyonc Pub.]

3. Save Me (From Magnolia)
Aimee Mann, songwriter (Aimee Mann)
[Reprise Records; Publisher: Aimee Mann]

4. Things Have Changed (From Wonder Boys)
Bob Dylan, songwriter (Bob Dylan)
[Columbia/Sony Music Soundtrax; Publisher: Special Rider Music]

5. When She Loved Me (From Toy Story 2)
Randy Newman, songwriter (Sarah McLachlan)
[Walt Disney Records; Publisher: Walt Disney Music Co.]

Ooh, go Destiny’s Child. With your bad selves.

That song is really good, people. You can’t help it. Yeah, I’m gonna go with that one. At least it’s a bit happy.

And, how long ago was Man on the Moon, anyway?


Category 78

Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying A Vocalist(s)

Award to the Arranger. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Both Sides Now
Vince Mendoza, arranger (Joni Mitchell)
Track from: Both Sides Now

2. Button Up Your Overcoat
Nnenna Freelon, arranger (Nnenna Freelon)
Track from: Soulcall
[Concord Jazz]

3. A Case Of You
Vince Mendoza, arranger (Joni Mitchell)
Track from: Both Sides Now

4. Dream
Jorge Calandrelli, arranger (Ettore Stratta & His Orchestra)
Track from: As Time Goes By (Great Love Songs Of The Century)

5. I’ve Seen It All
Björk, Vince Mendoza & Guy Sigsworth, arrangers (Björk Featuring Thom Yorke)
Track from: Selmasongs
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

There are too many nominations.

I’m only mentioning this one because the Björk song is wonderful and is even better after you’ve seen the movie.


Category 79

Best Recording Package

1. The Concert For Garca Lorca
Dan Ibe, art director (Ben Sidran)
[GoJazz Records]

2. Machina/The Machines Of God
Billy Corgan, Gregory Sylvester, Thomas Wolfe & Yelena Yemchuk, art directors (The Smashing Pumpkins)
[Virgin Records America]

3. Music
Kevin Reagan, art director (Madonna)
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. The Shaming Of The True
Hugh Brown & John Seabury, art directors (Kevin Gilbert)
[KMG Records]

5. Zenith
Rachel Gutek & Jonathan Lea, art directors (The Jigsaw Seen)
[Vibro-Phonic Recordings]

I thought Ricky Martin had the best recording package.

Sorry. I’m getting punch drunk from the length of this entry. It’s been all day, people. All day working on this, writing and trying to fix the DSL and formatting the song titles and artists to where I just don’t care about these people anymore.

Anyway, here’s the last time Billy’s going to get nominated for something for a while. So, huzzah to him. As stee put it, “The packaging is designed perfectly to fit into the used bin.” His quote, not mine. Send him the hate mail. Not me.

What are those last two albums?


Category 81

Best Album Notes

1. The Best of Broadside 1962-1988: Anthems Of The American Underground From The Pages Of Broadside Magazine
Jeff Place, album notes writer (Various Artists)
[Smithsonian Folkways Recordings]

2. The Complete Columbia Recordings 1955-1961
Bob Blumenthal, album notes writer (Miles Davis & John Coltrane)
[Columbia/Legacy Recordings]

3. The Complete Lester Young Studio Sessions On Verve
John Chilton, album notes writer (Lester Young)
[Verve Records]

4. Hotcakes & Outtakes: 30 Years Of Little Feat
Bud Scoppa, album notes writer (Little Feat)
[Warner Archives/Rhino Records]

5. The Remains Of Tom Lehrer
Dr. Demento, album notes writer (Tom Lehrer)
[Warner Archives/Rhino Records]

6. Yes I Can! The Sammy Davis Jr. Story
Gerald Early, album notes writer (Sammy Davis Jr.)
[Warner Archives/Rhino Records]

I love the album notes nominations. Who decides this? Man. I want to write liner notes so bad just so one day I can flop down on my couch and go, “Man. I can’t believe Scoppa got nominated again. What a fucking hack. Did you see his liner notes? I wrote better shit in the fifth grade.”

When Dr. Demento is getting nominated, it’s time to back away.


Category 83

Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical

1. Absolute Benson
Steve Barkan, Jon Fausty, Al Schmitt & Bill Schnee, engineers (George Benson)

2. Here’s To You, Charlie Brown: 50 Great Years!
Clark Germain & Bill Schnee, engineers (David Benoit)

3. Kid A
Nigel Godrich, engineer (Radiohead)
[Capitol Records]

4. Oregon In Moscow
Rich Breen, engineer (Oregon With The Moscow Tchaikovsky Symphony Orchestra)
[Intuition Music]

5. Two Against Nature
Phil Burnett, Roger Nichols, Dave Russell & Elliot Scheiner, engineers (Steely Dan)
[Giant Records]

“Oh, you know, I guess I’m into the same kind of music everyone is. You know, I like Radiohead, and I like Benson, Benoit, Tchaikovsky, Dan.”



“Oh, of course. They engineered the shit out of that last album, didn’t they?”

“Fuck yeah, they did.”


Category 84

Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical

1. Bill Bottrell
* Gotta Get Back (Shelby Lynne) (T)
* I Am Shelby Lynne (Shelby Lynne) (A)

2. Dr. Dre
* B**** Please II (Eminem Featuring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Xzibit & Nate Dogg) (T)
* Chin Check (N.W.A.) (T)
* Dr. Dre – 2001 (Dr. Dre) (A)
* Hello (Ice Cube Featuring Dr. Dre & MC Ren) (T)
* I’m Back (Eminem) (T)
* Kill You (Eminem) (T)
* The Real Slim Shady (Eminem) (T)
* Remember Me? (Eminem Featuring RBX And Sticky Fingaz) (T)
* Who Knew (Eminem) (T)

3. Nigel Godrich
* Kid A (Radiohead) (A)
* The Man Who (Travis) (A)

4. Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis
* The Best Man I Can Be (Ginuwine, R.L., Tyrese & Case) (T)
* Bliss (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme) (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Dance & Shout (Shaggy Featuring Pee Wee) (T)
* Doesn’t Really Matter (Janet) (T)
* Petals (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Rainbow (Interlude) (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Thank God I Found You (Mariah Carey Featuring Joe & 98) (T)
* Vulnerability (Mariah Carey) (T)

5. Matt Serletic
* The American (Angie Aparo) (A)
* I Want You To Need Me (Celine Dion) (S)
* Mad Season (Matchbox Twenty) (A)
* Need To Be Next To You (Leigh Nash) (S)

I like this category because it’s a good way to see who you just hate and can blame for all sorts of pain your ears suffered over the year.

We really really really hate Matt Serletic. I’m ready to pay him to retire. Bill Bottrell doesn’t seem to have much of a shot here with his one-two Shelby-Shelby punch.

Come on, Nigel. Or Dre. I don’t care. I’m too busy writing Matt Serletic’s name in blood on my shit list.


Category 85

Remixer of the Year, Non-Classical

1. Deep Dish
* Barbarella (Deep Dish Armageddon Breakdown Remix) (Sven Vath) (S)
* Mohammad Is Jesus (Deep Dish Daddy Cool Remix) (Deep Dish) (S)
* Music (Deep Dish Dot Com Remix) (Madonna) (T)
* Rise (Deep Dish Hi-Rise Remix) (Gabrielle) (S)
* Sexual (Deep Dish Cheez-Whiz Remix) (Amber) (S)
* True (Deep Dish Poof Daddy Remix) (Morel) (S)

2. Hex Hector
* Feelin’ So Good (Hex Hector Club Mix) (Jennifer Lopez) (S)
* Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche) (Hex Hector Radio Mix) (98) (S)
* I Learned From The Best (HQ2 Club Mix) (Whitney Houston) (S)
* I Turn To You (Hex Hector Radio Mix) (Melanie C) (T)
* Music (HQ2 Radio Mix) (Madonna) (S)
* Spanish Guitar (HQ2 Club Mix) (Toni Braxton) (T)

3. Maurice Joshua
* Don’t Think I’m Not (Digital Black-N-Groove Club Mix) (Kandi) (S)
* Independent Women (Maurice’s Carnival 2000 Mix) (Destiny’s Child) (S)
* It’s Gonna Be Me (Maurice’s Radio Edit) (*NSync) (S)
* Jumpin Jumpin (Digital Black-N-Groove Club Mix) (Destiny’s Child) (S)
* Say My Name (Maurice’s Last Days Of Disco Millenium Mix) (Destiny’s Child) (S)
* Shackles (Praise You) (Maurice’s Carnival 2000 Mix) (Mary Mary) (S)

4. Peter Rauhofer (Club 69)
* Greatest Love Of All (Club 69 Classic Club Mix) (Whitney Houston) (S)
* He Wasn’t Man Enough (Peter Rauhofer’s Trance Mix) (Toni Braxton) (S)
*I Don’t Know What You Want (Peter Rauhofer Roxy Anthem) (Pet Shop Boys) (S)
*I Think I’m In Love (Peter Rauhofer Club Anthem) (Jessica Simpson) (S)
*17 Again (Peter Rauhofer Remix) (Eurythmics) (S)
*Take A Picture (Club 69 Trance Mix) (Filter) (S)

5. Richard Humpty Vission
*Alright (R.H.V. Club Mix) (Devone) (S)
*American Pie (R.H.V. Visits Madonna Mix) (Madonna) (S)
*American Pie (R.H.V. Radio Mix) (Madonna) (S)
*Everybody’s Free 2000 (R.H.V. Cyberfest Mix) (Richard Humpty Vission Featuring Rozalla) (S)
*Music (R.H.V. Phunkytron Mix) (Madonna) (S)
*Shut The F**k Up And Dance (R.H.V. Anthem Mix) (Adrenaline) (S)

I think this might be a DJ award. Well, okay.

Again, right here we can easily see that if Richard Humpty Vission was never created, we could have been spared buckets of tears.

I think Peter Rauhofer has forgotten what year it is. And what music is supposed to sound like.

Maurice Joshua, you’re the DJ of my heart. Spin it, baby.


Category 99

Best Short Form Music Video

For an individual track or single promotional clip. Award to the Artist and to the Video Director/Producer.

1. Fire
Busta Rhymes
Busta Rhymes & Hype Williams, video directors; Rubin Mendoza, video producer
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

2. Learn To Fly
Foo Fighters
Jesse Peretz, video director; Tina Nakane, video producer

3. What Do You Say
Reba McEntire
Robert Deaton & George Flanigen, video directors; Robert Deaton, George Flanigen & Steve Lamar, video producers
[MCA Nashville]

4. Broken Home
Papa Roach
Marcos Siega, video director; Shirley Moyers, video producer
[DreamWorks Records]

5. Will 2K
Will Smith
Robert Caruso, video director; Jack Hardwicke & Paul Hill, video producers
[Columbia Records]

And we’re ending on this, people. Mostly because I can’t go on. I just want you to take a good look at the man who has beaten all awards ceremonies. Henley, Kravitz, McCartney, Madonna, Simon, Young– they all bow down before the man that can get nominated without even lifting one musical finger. He can just crap around in films and goof off in A video and maybe show up at an awards ceremony or two, and still be considered award worthy.

Ladies and gentlemen, bow down before the award masta that is Will Smith.

You can’t stop him. You can’t even contain him. You can only hope to maybe ignore him. I know we all thought we did a damn fine job of ignoring Will 2K. But he’s even jiggier than anyone could have predicted.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, Dave Grohl and I have some tattooing to do.



“My ears! My pretty ears!”






“YM Girlz Rule!”


January 3, 2001

Star Style Sources

Where do celebs get one-of-a-kind outfits? Vintage shops.

And their designers. And from their personal shoppers who have the only task of running around looking for their clothes

To catch the thrift drift, head to a used clothing store or garage sale and start scouring. Here, a few tips for finding primo picks:

Man, who writes this shit?


  • Be patient. One great piece may be hiding on a rack of so-so duds.Like men.
  • Be a stickler. Make sure garments don’t have holes or stains that you can’t fix yourself.Nice double negative, there.
  • Be creative. Can you update it by shortening, replacing buttons, or accessorizing?Shortening? Nice.


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