This Doesn't Make Me Old.

the vh-1 music awards predictions

VH-1 is making a giant stink out of their new award show. Every day I see the billboard outside my apartment reminding me that, just like Albertsons, this is my very special awards ceremony that I decide that’s catered completely all to me.

And since MTV and I are having this terrible on-again-off-again occasional back-alley make-up sex thing, I’m willing to give VH-1 a shot, here. Let’s see if they have something I’d vote on in each category. And we’ll see how I do Thursday night.

YOUR SONG KICKED ASS BUT WAS PLAYED TOO DAMN MUCH

Oh, now see? I already kinda like the vh-1 awards better. Anyway…

The nominees:

  • Santana – “Smooth”
  • Creed – “Higher”
  • Macy Gray – “I Try”
  • Vertical Horizon – “Everything You Want”
  • Nine Days – “Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)”

No, seriously. If I hear “Higher” one more time, I’ll fall to the ground in a sobbing ball of madness. I hate the sound of Creed. I watched thirty minutes of Creed’s Behind the Music the other day just to see the thirty minutes where they went through pain and hardship. You know what their hardship was? Dickhead got kicked out of a private university for smoking pot. And he’s all, “Man. When you can’t even have the Lord love your pothead ass and you can’t just pay to go to a school to sleep with girls, get drunk and do drugs, then… what’s worth praying for?”

Asshole.

Anyway. Macy Gray. For about three weeks, that was a great song. Then it got released on the radio.

If I hear the story of a girl again I’m gonna find go drown her in that river of tears myself.

God, these songs were all so overplayed, weren’t they? I’m nauseous looking at them.

Next!

MOST ENTERTAINING PUBLIC FEUD

The nominees:

  • Diana Ross vs. The Real Supremes
  • Metallica vs. Napster
  • Whitney Houston vs. Honolulu Airport Security
  • Eminem vs. Everyone
  • ‘N Sync vs. Lou Pearlman

What a strange category. I’d say the only one that I’d actually have an opinion about is Metallica v. Napster because every day I hate Metallica more and more. The Eminem thing? Eh. Diana Ross? Okay, VH-1. Just because you like covering your divas doesn’t mean we want to watch it. *NSYNC v. Lou Pearlman? Wasn’t Lou busy with O-Town? And how gross is that visual, anyway?

I’m moving on. Metallica it is.

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT ALBUM?

I needed clarification, too. Here it is:

Working for the man every night and day – which rock ‘n’ roll spokesman made the best ads?

Oh.

The nominees:

  • Faith Hill – Pepsi
  • ‘N Sync – McDonald’s
  • Backstreet Boys – Burger King
  • Sting – Jaguar
  • Britney Spears – McDonald’s

This is sad, yo. I’m not even going to go through the list. but I wish Faith had killed the Pepsi Girl instead of letting her order her around.

Anyway, isn’t it the Backstreet Boys commercial where one Boy lovingly takes the cheeseburger from the employee? That’s the one I’m going for.

Next!

DOUBLE THREAT–(MUSICIAN-ACTORS)

The nominees:

  • Aaliyah – Romeo Must Die
  • Jennifer Lopez – The Cell
  • Will Smith – The Legend of Bagger Vance
  • Jon Bon Jovi – U-571
  • Janet Jackson – The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps

Yo. Yo, that’s some bad choices for bad films with bad musicians doing some bad acting. That’s like, bad cubed. I’m just going to say we should give it to Jon Bon Jovi because the boy hasn’t won even a free Snickers in the past fifteen years. That and he wasn’t all flaunty with his movie singing thing like miss thang or miss hair thang or miss skank thang or mister caddyshack.

You know what’s funny? I know my mom just read that last paragraph and totally went, “Huh?”

MUST-HAVE ALBUM

Must have when?

Don’t leave the year without it – this is the disc that thrills you time and time again.

Oh.

The nominees:

  • Red Hot Chili Peppers – Californication
  • Faith Hill – Breathe
  • matchbox twenty – Mad Season
  • Creed – Human Clay
  • Christina Aguilera – Christina Aguilera

Anyway first off, WRONG. The answer is Kid A. Second, the answer is Kid A. Third, possibly Selmasongs or something. Not these. And wasn’t Christina Aguilera like, a year and a half ago? I don’t want to point myself out for public ridicule, but I know that I’ve been doing my parody of her for over one full year. A year and three months or something. That means I bought the album in the fall of 1999.

I HATE MATCHBOX TWENTY.

Had to be said. Had to be said like that.

God. Just give it to the Peppers. But Californication came out in like, early 1999.

WELCOME TO THE BIG TIME!

After years of hard work, this was the year this group made it big.

These are awards?

The nominees:

  • Creed
  • Destiny’s Child
  • 3 Doors Down
  • Christina Aguilera
  • Vertical Horizon

Years? Are any of these people over twenty-five? Seriously. Destiny’s Child’s all like, collectively, thirty-three. End to end. Whatever. Give it to them anyway. At least they deserved their break. And they had to scratch and maim and fire and skank to do it. Here, here.

BEST-KEPT SECRET

Worshipped by true fans, here’s your chance to put these artists in the spotlight.

Come on, Weezer.

The nominees:

  • The Corrs
  • Dido
  • Aimee Mann
  • David Gray
  • Lucy Pearl

What? Where’s Radiohead? What is going on?

God!

Aimee Mann. Just do it. This David Gray boy depresses the hell out of me.

2 FOR 2

Oops, they did it again! There was no sophomore slump for these artists, who followed up their hit with another hit!

The nominees:

  • Creed >Human Clay
  • ‘N Sync >No Strings Attached
  • matchbox twenty >Mad Season
  • Kid Rock >History of Rock
  • Britney Spears >Oops!…I Did It Again

Kid Rock had a first album? And does matchbox twenty count when they changed their name for this album? No. I’m going with the *NSYNC because uh, you know, they broke every record ever made with that. Mad props to the ugly boyz.

SONG OF THE YEAR

The nominees:

  • Creed – “Higher”
  • matchbox twenty – “Bent”
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Otherside”
  • Vertical Horizon – “Everything You Want”
  • Faith Hill – “Breathe”

How bad is this list? Fuck this list.

  • Madonna – “Music”
  • Radiohead – “Everything in it’s Right Place”
  • Foo Fighters – “Next Year”
  • Stone Temple Pilots – “Sour Girl”
  • No Doubt – “Ex Girlfriend”

Now that’s a list, dammit.

MAN OF THE YEAR

The nominees:

  • Santana
  • Enrique Iglesias
  • Lenny Kravitz
  • Sting
  • Ricky Martin

[scripty]
(ring)

VH-1
Hello?

LK
Hi. VH-1? Yeah, this is Lenny Kravitz.

VH-1
Lenny. Baby. How are ya?

LK
Good. Good. Uh, listen–

VH-1
Great. And how’s Lisa?

LK
We haven’t been–

VH-1
Glad to hear it. Look, Lenn, could you hurry? We’ve got a Spearitual crisis going on, if you know what I’m saying and I think you do bwa ha ha.

LK
I. Huh.

VH-1
Hello?

LK
No, it’s just. I was going through your website and I saw that I’m listed as a nominee.VH-1
Sweet. What’s the problemo, rocketmano?

LK
I… could you stop with that? I was nominated for man of the year.

VH-1
Really?

LK
Yeah.

VH-1
Well, congratulations.

LK
Thank you. NO. Wait. I…

VH-1
Did we forget to send you flowers or something?

LK
No, it’s just… Man of the Year.

VH-1
Yeah.

LK
Me.

VH-1
Yeah.

LK
Me.

VH-1
Yeah.

LK
Man of the Year.

VH-1
Yeah.

LK
Me.

VH-1
Yeah.

LK
…..Lenny Kravitz.

VH-1
Yeah. I don’t see the problem.

LK
I didn’t do anything.

VH-1
Okay, Lenny, listen, and then I have to go. Look. There’s a contract. You signed it a very long time ago. In it your label and your manager made sure that you were nominated for some award in every music-ish award ceremony for as long as you’re alive and for five years after your death. It doesn’t matter what you’re nominated for and we’re not supposed to let you actually win. It’s a long story. Has to do with 2Pac. Can’t really go into details. So just have fun with the nomination.

LK
Okay.

VH-1
Hey, you should go write a speech! Just in case. Hee.
[/scripty]

Dear Ricky Martin,
I waited and I waited. I even moved into your hood. Where are you? Why did you do that to your hair? Do you really want to hurt me?

Love,
pamie

WOMAN OF THE YEAR

The nominees:

  • Christina Aguilera
  • Faith Hill
  • Madonna
  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Janet Jackson

Madonna. Have you seen the “Music” video? Madonna putting cash in g-strings and smacking girls’ asses and generally having great trashy fun. That’s helping the world. Gracias, Madonna.

GROUP OF THE YEAR

The nominees:

  • ‘N Sync
  • Creed
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Bon Jovi
  • Destiny’s Child

First of all, they spelled *NSYNC incorrectly. Second, Bon Jovi?

Destiny’s Child. Aw, yeah. Those are my girls, right there.

LEGEND IN ACTION

Huh.

The nominees:

  • Sting
  • Tina Turner
  • Elton John
  • Bruce Springsteen
  • KISS

I sure would have given it to Tina if she hadn’t done Ally McBeal last year. Nah, I’ll still give it to her.

Man, there are a lot of awards in this thing.

BEST LIVE ACT

The nominees:

  • Dave Matthews Band
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Creed
  • No Doubt
  • Kid Rock

I’ve seen the Chili Peppers twice. They rock the house. I’d love to see No Doubt. For real.

So, I’ll have a tie here.

BEST STAGE SPECTACLE

Huh?

Light shows, dance moves, big-ass explosions – whose flash was the flashiest? This category was suggested by Nathan from Houston, Mississippi.

Thanks, Nathan.

The nominees:

  • ‘N Sync
  • Metallica With The San Francisco Symphony
  • Britney Spears
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Ricky Martin

Now, I know a certain someone that loves that Metallica Symphony stuff, but man that makes me giggle. When Britney showed her vagina on MTV and I saw inside her ass? That was a spectacle. They later cut that part out of the show, so it doesn’t count anymore. But, come on, y’all. Is there anything more spectacular than Ricky Martin?

Yes, I’m holding on to a dream. Yes, I know I still love the 1998 Ricky Martin. Yes, I know 2000 Martin isn’t nearly as pretty. I. Don’t. Care.

GODS OF THUNDER

Marshall stacks, plenty of distortion and no lip synching allowed. Who were the most kick-ass band?

The nominees:

  • Metallica
  • Creed
  • Rage Against The Machine
  • Kid Rock
  • AC/DC

Creed?

Rage, this one’s all you.

BOOTY SHAKE

One bump of the rump is worth 1000 words – who’s got the best booty language?

Man. I wish I hadn’t started this. This is taking forever.

The nominees:

  • Ricky Martin
  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Christina Aguilera
  • Britney Spears
  • Sisqo

I’m supposed to pick who has the nicest ass? Is that what this award is? Who uses their ass the best? I think it’s Britney. I know it ain’t Sisqo.

I’m tired. My fingers are cold.

SEXXXIEST VIDEO

The nominees:

  • Sisqo – “Thong Song”
  • Faith Hill – “Breathe”
  • Jennifer Lopez – “Waiting For Tonight”
  • Enrique Iglesias – “Be With You”
  • D’Angelo – “Untitled”

Y’all. I saw the D’Angelo video. I apologize about the earlier comments during the MTV nominations. That boy’s got a body, yo. He wins. Wins!

VIDEO OF THE YEAR

The nominees:

  • Bon Jovi – “It’s My Life”
  • Creed – “Higher”
  • Foo Fighters – “Learn To Fly”
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Otherside”
  • Madonna – “Music”

I’m a little torn. I love “Learn to Fly.” But I love “Music.” Aw, hell. I’m giving it to the Foo. Dave Grohl’s my boyfriend. And that video rules.

PUSHING THE ENVELOPE VIDEO

The nominees:

  • Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Californication”
  • Madonna – “Music”
  • Metallica – “I Disappear”
  • Foo Fighters – “Next Year”
  • Stone Temple Pilots – “Sour Girl”

Ooh. Take out the Metallica and you’ve got four videos I like. I think “Music” was more of a breakthrough video than any of the others. It was different and ballsy and cool. And weird. And it felt like the first time you found porn in your parents’ bedroom.

GIVIN’ IT BACK

So tired!

Signing autographs, giving free concerts or just hangin’ with the fans – who goes the extra mile?

The nominees:

  • Limp Bizkit
  • Garth Brooks
  • No Doubt
  • Dave Matthews Band
  • Goo Goo Dolls

This is retarded.

Look, with promising never to tour or make albums again, the only one going the extra mile for the world, the only one giving it back, the only one that’s doing some good is Garth Brooks. Take Chris Gains with you, bubba.

Oh, God! The last one!

BEST UK ACT

The nominees:

  • Travis
  • The Spice Girls
  • David Gray
  • Robbie Williams
  • Tom Jones

This year. This year, right? This past year? What did Tom Jones and the Spice Girls do? Forever just came out. Whatever. I’m picking Robbie Williams because I want him to succeed.

I just heard Travis for the first time this week. It’s like Radiohead without the pain. I like the pain.

And that’s it. We’ll find out how I do tomorrow night. If you want to vote and “make a difference,” check out vh-1.com.

P.S.– No more xmas card requests. Sorry, y’all. I’m done for this year. If I missed ya, we’ll do it next year.

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