Remember me?

your sweat is still on my carpet.

Dear Billy Blanks ™,


Uh, I guess the first thing I should do is list my excuses, right? Do you want to hear them first, or last? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the words, “I’ve been busy” three thousand times over the past couple of years. Maybe I should spare you. The important thing here is that I’ve reached out.

It had been a long time since you and I looked at each other, eye-to-incredibly-sweaty-eye. And yesterday I was a bit inspired, so I popped in the Advanced Live 7 tape, wondering if I still could achieve Warrior status.

I saw that smile you gave me at the end when you had your fists in the air. You’re proud of me.

I’m sorry that it had been so long since we hung out. But I have to tell you it amazed me that you still have the power to make me behave like an idiot. First, you’ll make me put myself into positions that hurt, then you make me put myself into positions that make me fall on my head, and still, through all of that, when you ask me a question through my television screen, for some reason I’ll still answer you. That’s amazing. You make me act like a crazy person, all in the name of nice thighs.

See, I’m currently starting phase three of: Pretty By Pittsburgh, and time is starting to run out.

I plan on using you to your fullest abilities. That and I’ll probably see the yoga freaks every once in a while. They tend to mellow me out, and my ass really hurts after one day with you. They make my arms hurt, not so much my ass. And they concentrate on strange muscles in my spine that I didn’t know needed training until I notice the difference when I’m wearing just a bra.

I’m not trying to talk dirty here, Billy, I’m just telling you what’s going on.

You may have noticed that I cancelled my subscription to your Advanced tapes recently. Billy, I just had to. I have nine of those things sitting around my house. Nine advanced tapes. I also have three Basic tapes, the Instructional and the original Advanced. I look like a freak. And the main reason I had to cancel is that I’m not in good enough shape to merit the amount of money I’ve spent having you send your tapes right to my door. With the thirteen or fourteen tapes I now have of your collection, I can be pretty sure that I won’t get bored with the routine. It’ll always feel different.

So, today I’m a bit sore, but I’m amazed that I made it through that entire hour of Advanced without quitting. That’s amazing, Billy. I’ve quit walking stairs sooner than that, because they didn’t seem worth the effort. I think I keep going in spite of the bad music and the obnoxious people behind you. I think I do it because sometimes, when you look right at me and nod? I feel like you’re proud of me. And when you’re proud, Billy, I’m proud.

I felt like a bad ass last night after I had finished the whole tape. I’m sorry I turned the tape off so abruptly, but I didn’t want you to see me lying on my back, panting and covered in sweat right after. I couldn’t move for thirty minutes.

I only hope that I somehow summon the strength to do that again. Maybe, like, Thursday night or something? Because right now my hips are sore. That’s so mean how you start tape 7 on the floor with butt and abs and then make us get up and do all of the cardio. Evil, Mr. Blanks. Pure evil.

Billy, I also wanted to tell you about a few things that have been on my mind. I know you’re busy and all, but I’m about to move into your neighborhood soon, and I’m a bit nervous. I don’t know if you have any advice for me, but suddenly in like a month and a half, I have to move to Los Angeles.

It’s now at the point where every time I go out someone asks me how much time I have left here. I answer that question at least three times a day. Some people have forbidden me from talking about it in their presence.

Billy, we’re real scared, Eric and I. We’re pretty damn scared of packing up all of our things and moving into your town. I’ve only got about six weeks left. In October I’m going to be all over the place, talking at a convention and then looking for an apartment and a new job and scheduling movers and changing addresses and setting up new internet connections and phone lines and cable while still trying to get all of my recaps in on time and not miss any deadlines. I have to be unemployed without insurance for a little while, I think, maybe, and that’s not good. I have to drive across the country. I’ve never done that before.

I have to pack up and move away from my parents. I’ve never done that before. They’ve always been a two-hour drive away. When am I going to find time to spend with them before I leave? Each time

Each time I see a friend now, I get a bit misty thinking that I’m running out of time. There are some that I just don’t have time to see, or they’re too busy right now to hang out and I understand all of that, but it gets me sad. There are some that I might not see if/when I come back for a visit. There are some that might not even know I’m leaving.

I packed all of my winter clothes when I thought I was leaving this summer. Now I’m going to have to unpack them again, since I’m going to Pittsburgh in October. It’s cold there.

Billy, I’m not asking for anything from you, here. I just wanted your sweaty shoulder to lean on and your dripping ear to listen to me vent for a few minutes because periodically I just spaz out about this whole move thing and I curl up into a ball and shudder in the corner of my shower like an Afterschool Special victim.

Could you just find me an apartment? Because really, at this point, that’s the only thing left to do. It’s a huge task that I don’t want to do, either.

Thanks for listening, Billy.

Yours in endorphins,

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