i wasn’t joking around, here.

My first mistake was thinking that it was Eric I had to fear last night, after yesterday’s entry. After reading through the entry, he seemed to be pretty calm about everything.

My second mistake was deviating from my nightly schedule and deciding that instead of surfing late at night, I’d lay in the other room on the futon and read my book while I waited for Eric to get home from poker.

My third mistake was assuming that I was blessed with kitty love last night. In a strange behavior change, Taylor kept jumping into my lap, demanding some attention. I pet him until he drooled all over me. He never drools. I assumed he was just happy to be safe in my lap for a few minutes. He’d leave and then come back, leave and come back. No big deal.

My fourth mistake was in assuming that the reason Cal wanted to sit on me was because he was jealous of Taylor’s attention and was trying to make up for the attempted murders over the past week when he thought I had killed Eric off.

That last mistake was the largest mistake.

I’m on my back, reading my book, enjoying the quiet. Cal is curled up on my stomach, as much as a twenty-pound cat can curl. It’s actually his front paws draped on one side of my waist, and his back paws hanging off the other side, while his head rubs into my outstretched palm.

I started getting tired, and eventually put my book down, put my arm over my head, and took a little nap.

Then Eric came home, and all hell broke loose.

It was the sound of the key in the lock that alerted Cal that his favorite person in the world was home. In a little, “I won’t be needing YOU anymore” motion, Cal kicked off my stomach and leaped through the air to run to the front room. In doing so, his back claws digged into the space next to my navel and continued slicing my flesh until they ran out of skin and he had sufficient flesh behind his claws to get a pretty good vertical leap.

I screamed. I yelled. I writhed in pain.

“Where are you, baby?” Eric asked. Somehow he can get lost in our two bedroom apartment when I’m dying from blood loss. 911, he’s not.

“I told you! I told you he wants me dead!” I screamed.

His smirk faded when he saw my stomach. “Oh, God. Are you okay?”

“No, it really hurts.”

Eric applied some Neosporin and I went to bed. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. Even though I wore my baggiest of jeans today, the waistband still hits the cut when I sit down.

As you can see, I’m marred. I’m ruined. I’m hideous. I can only hope that it doesn’t scar, as it looks like (and cleverly like, I might add) I had a nasty appendix operation.

I don’t trust that cat at all anymore. He wasn’t even slightly sorry.

Later, in bed, trying to sleep:

[scripty]
ERIC
You okay?

PAMIE
Well, as long as the sheet doesn’t touch my stomach, it’s not so bad. The cool air feels good on the ointment.

ERIC
I’m sorry Cal hates you.

PAMIE
Me too.

ERIC
Can I talk to you about something?

PAMIE
Yes.

ERIC
Don’t get upset.

PAMIE
This is not my fault, here. That cat attacked me to show off for you.

ERIC
No, it’s something else.

PAMIE
What?

ERIC
Well, you wrote “Cash Only.”

PAMIE
What?

ERIC
In the entry today, you wrote “Cash Only.” It was actually “Exact Change.”

PAMIE
I don’t believe this.

ERIC
Because I had exact change.

PAMIE
I’m BLEEDING over here!

ERIC
It’s just, it doesn’t look so much like I had made a mistake if you tell them that the sign said “Exact Change” because I had exact change. Cash Only, hell, any idiot would know not to throw a dollar in there.

PAMIE
If anything, by saying it was “Cash Only” I made you look smarter, because cash is what you had. You didn’t have change. You didn’t have anything slightly resembling change.

ERIC
But I had exact change.

PAMIE
No, you had a dollar bill! Ow! Cal, get OFF ME!

ERIC
But I had exact change for the toll. If someone tells you that it’s five dollars to ride the thing, and it’s exact change only, then you give them a five dollar bill.

PAMIE
No.

ERIC
Yes! When you ride the bus it says “Exact Change” and then if you put a dollar in there, then you don’t get your change back. But if the bus is a dollar to ride, then you have exact change.

PAMIE
You’re ridiculous. Listen. When you go to a Coke machine, and it’s not taking dollar bills, what does it say? It says “Exact change.” Because that’s what you’ve got to put in to get the Coke.

ERIC
Yeah, well, that’s if the Coke is sixty cents. What if it’s a dollar?

PAMIE
Well, then you have to put in FOUR QUARTERS because the machine says EXACT CHANGE because it’s not taking DOLLAR BILLS because DOLLAR BILLS aren’t CHANGE! They’re cash! It’s cash! Dollar bills are cash! Not change!

ERIC
But if it’s exact…

PAMIE
I’m going to sleep! I’m already asleep! I can’t hear you! You’re talking to someone that is already asleep.

ERIC
I’ll put this sheet right on that scratch.

PAMIE
You wouldn’t dare.

ERIC
I might. If it was a dollar bill.

PAMIE
And if I was wearing a sign that said “Cash only.”

ERIC
Or “Exact change.”

PAMIE
No! A dollar bill isn’t change! It can’t be change! Change is coins! Coins! Coins!

ERIC
Even when–

PAMIE
Yessssssssssssssss.

ERIC
You’re grumpy tonight.

PAMIE
Your cat tried to kill me, I’m scarred for life, and you’re getting into a semantics argument about what a dollar bill should be considered because you thew a dollar into the toll booth basket. I’m not grumpy! I’m a hollow shell of a human being!

ERIC
Would you go put on that thong?

PAMIE
I’m asleep!

ERIC
That’s okay.

PAMIE
Good NIGHT.

CAL
Mer!

PAMIE
You shut up.

ERIC
She didn’t mean that, Cal.

PAMIE
I did, too. He’s tasted my blood and now I don’t trust him anymore.

ERIC
Baby, he loves you. Look at him.

PAMIE
I can see his fangs.

ERIC
No, he’s just smiling at you.

PAMIE
Because he left his mark on me.

ERIC
Cal loves you.

PAMIE
Loves me to death.

ERIC
So, will you print a retraction tomorrow about the cash only?

PAMIE
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

ERIC
Fine. I’ll start my own webpage. pamie’s a big liar dot com.

PAMIE
Cal is chewing my toe.

ERIC
Cal. Stop. Get off her. Hee.

PAMIE
It’s not funny.

ERIC
Just a little funny.

PAMIE
When you sleep, Peterson.

ERIC
Weldon made fun of me at poker tonight, are you happy?

PAMIE
Suddenly, yes.

ERIC
Laughed and laughed and laughed because it said “Cash only.” See, he didn’t know that it really said–

PAMIE
Oh, I swear to God, Eric.

ERIC
Exact change.

PAMIE
Eric!

ERIC
Exact.

PAMIE
Shh.

ERIC
Change.

PAMIE
Uurp!

ERIC
I’m just sayin’.
[/scripty]

And a very special thank you to the Austin Chronicle for rewarding pamie.com with a critic’s award for Best Online Journal for the Best of 2000.