we could debate all day.

I love the MTV Video music awards. I do. They are ridiculous and completely unnecessary and arbitrary and each year I let myself get all riled up about them. I think it’s healthy.

Now, the year that I almost peed with glee when Axl Rose started singing with Tom Petty? That wasn’t a proud moment in my life. I’d like to take it back, actually. I don’t know. I don’t know what that Axl used to do to me. I still don’t really understand it. I’m not asking you to, either.

First, I should mention that I actively seek videos on MTV. I end up having to watch VH-1. Even at three or four in the morning, MTV is playing Daria or something. So, if it wasn’t on VH-1, chances are I didn’t catch it.

So, here goes. The nominees for the 2000 VMA’s. You ready?

Best Cinematography In A Video

  • Filter, “Take A Picture”
  • Macy Gray, “Do Something”
  • Madonna, “American Pie”
  • Metallica, “I Disappear”
  • Stone Temple Pilots, “Sour Girl”

Okay. I’m just going to say it. I think that “Sour Girl” video rules. Yes, I ignore the bunny midgets. It’s having Sarah Michelle Gellar draped around Scott Weiland. This satisfies a very dirty part of my soul that thinks they are both very hot. I know she’s got a funny nose. I know he’s got track marks on his penis. I don’t care. I want to lick them.

I do know that I never once was able to turn on the radio without hearing that wretched “Take a Picture.” I don’t know what the video looked like, but it doesn’t really matter too much if the song was popular.

My wish: Stone Temple Pilots
Assumed winner: Filter

Best Editing In A Video

  • Aimee Mann, “Save Me”
  • Blaque, “I Do”
  • Eminem, “The Real Slim Shady”
  • Metallica, “I Disappear”
  • R.E.M., “The Great Beyond”

Yeah, yeah. Editing. Whatever. Poor Aimee Mann and her song, just playing it and losing all over the place because the song is too damn sad. I refuse to let Metallica be up for anything in my book, just so you know now. I think I missed this R.E.M. video.

My wish: Aimee Mann
Assumed Winner: Eminem 

Best Art Direction In A Video

  • Filter, “Take A Picture”
  • Macy Gray, “Do Something”
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication”
  • Supergrass, “Pumping On Your Stereo”

Damn that Filter. And how long do Dayton and Ferris think they can ride that video homage thing? Come on. They’re on like, their sixth rehashing of that. So, screw “Californication,” because I’m tired of Chili Peppers half-ballads, and I’m tired of watching that kind of film.

My wish: Macy Gray
Assumed Winner: Filter 

Best Special Effects In A Video

  • Bjrk, “All Is Full Of Love”
  • Lauryn Hill, “Everything Is Everything”
  • Metallica, “I Disappear”
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication”
  • Supergrass, “Pumping On Your Stereo”

What is this Supergrass song? Have I heard it? I love that Bjrk just keeps getting nominated. I’m listening to her right now, actually. She never wins anything. It’s a shame.

Again, Chili Peppers. No. Shouldn’t they be listing the people that did the special effects for these videos? Just wondering.

I wish Metallica would I Disappear.

My wish: Bjork
Assumed Winner: Lauryn Hill 

Best Choreography In A Video

  • Aaliyah, “Try Again”
  • Alanis Morissette, “So Pure”
  • Christina Aguilera, “What A Girl Wants”
  • Jennifer Lopez, “Waiting For Tonight”
  • ‘NSYNC, “Bye, Bye, Bye”

Okay. Alanis Morisette? What the fuck? What did I miss? When did this happen? Was she grooving out? Seriously, or was it like some big ballroom dance number and people were floaty and spinny and stuff? I may love Christina, but the girl really can’t dance. Just a lot of flapping around and arm-pulling. Jennifer Lopez can dance, but she dances too well for people to imitate. We want dance moves that we can imitate. Where’s Britney on this list? Just curious. I do believe that Aaliyah song was the silly one with girls bouncing up and down holding video cameras, right? Yeah, if that’s true, there wasn’t enough “dancing” to be nominated. “Best Bouncing,” maybe. “Best Watching One Guy Breakdance,” sure.

My wish: ‘NSYNC
Assumed Winner: ‘NSYNCYou just bow your asses down before them. You know you can’t help it when they roll their fists in the air.

Best Direction In A Video

  • D’Angelo, “Untitled (How Does It Feel)”
  • Eminem, “The Real Slim Shady”
  • Foo Fighters, “Learn To Fly”
  • Lauryn Hill, “Everything Is Everything”
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication”

Well, there you go. Here are some real contenders. I hear nothing but compliments about Lauryn Hill’s video, but the Foo Fighters and Eminem were on pretty heavy rotation. That an Eminem seems to be able to do anything lately. D’Angelo doesn’t stand a chance here. That makes it sound like I ever thought he had a chance at anything. Of course I didn’t. Don’t be silly.

My wish: Foo Fighters
Assumed Winner: Eminem 

Breakthrough Video

  • Bjrk, “All Is Full Of Love”
  • Blur, “Coffee And TV”
  • Chemical Brothers, “Let Forever Be”
  • Nine Inch Nails, “Into The Void”
  • Supergrass, “Pumping On Your Stereo”

Where are these videos? I want to see these videos! I’d love to see them. When are they on? Just during 120 Minutes? Is that still on? Dammit! I missed the four good videos this year. Dammit!

My wish: Everything but that Supergrass song I don’t know.
Assumed Winner: Supergrass

 

Viewer’s Choice

  • Britney Spears, “Oops! … I Did It Again”
  • Christina Aguilera, “What A Girl Wants”
  • Eminem, “The Real Slim Shady”
  • ‘NSYNC, “Bye, Bye, Bye”
  • Sisqo, “Thong Song”

Hmm. I’m thinking Eminem on this one, since there’s no Kid Rock or Limp Bizkit to nominate. I think it’s been too long for “Bye, Bye, Bye” to get call-in votes. And I really hope everyone is over the friggin’ Thong Song.

If not, please work on getting over it soon, okay?

My wish: Eminem
Assumed Winner: Eminem 

Best Video From A Film

  • Aaliyah, “Try Again” (“Romeo Must Die”)
  • Aimee Mann, “Save Me” (“Magnolia”)
  • Metallica, “I Disappear” (“Mission: Impossible 2”)
  • R.E.M., “The Great Beyond” (“Man On The Moon”)
  • Sisqo, “Thong Song (remix)” (“The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps”)

Wait a minute, Sisqo. “The Nutty Professor 2” just came out this past weekend. How is this possible? Oh. Remix. Well, whatever. Whatever. I’m not going to argue about it. it’s not going to win, I don’t think. This one’s Metallica’s, since they’ve made such a friggin’ stink about this song for M:I2.

Damn crybabies.

My wish: Aimee Mann
Assumed Winner: Metallica 

Best New Artist In A Video

  • Christina Aguilera, “What A Girl Wants”
  • Macy Gray, “I Try”
  • Papa Roach, “Last Resort”
  • Pink, “There You Go”
  • Sisqo, “Thong Song”

If you’re one of the three people that hasn’t been forced to hear that Papa Roach crap, congrats. Go on a six month cruise right now so you never have to hear it for the rest of your life. Isn’t it a bit late for Christina to be nominated for “Best New Artist?” Just wondering.

And Macy Gray. I’d like her to win something, but not the kiss of death New Artist award. I like these to go to the Flash in the Pan guys. That and the video for “I Try” is damn boring.

I love that “There You Go” song, but I’d never want to hear anything else from Pink for the rest of my life. It’s not like she’s doing anything that’s any different from Destiny’s Child.

My wish: Pink
Assumed Winner: Papa Roach 

Best Pop Video

  • Blink-182, “All The Small Things”
  • Britney Spears, “Oops!… I Did It Again”
  • Christina Aguilera, “What A Girl Wants”
  • Destiny’s Child, “Say My Name”
  • ‘NSYNC, “Bye, Bye, Bye”

[scripty]
GUY ONE
Hey, dudes, check it out. We’re totally nominated for three VMAs!

GUY TWO
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

GUY THREE
Excellent! What for?

GUY ONE
“All the Small Things.”

GUY TWO
Dude! For best Rock?

GUY ONE
Uh, no.

GUY TWO
Best group video?

GUY ONE
Well, yeah, we got that too, but…

GUY THREE
Oh, like one of those art direction things because we were all naked and stuff?

GUY ONE
No.

GUY THREE
What then?

GUY ONE
Best pop video.

GUY TWO
What’s pop?

GUY ONE
Popular.

GUY THREE
Dude! We’re popular! I told you using that porn chick was a good idea. Fuck Riki Rachman.

GUY ONE
No, pop. Pop Music.

GUY TWO
But we’re punk.

GUY ONE
Not anymore.

GUY TWO
But we just got ourselves looking like the Chili Peppers all perfectly!

GUY ONE
They’re pop now, too.

GUY THREE
No shit?

GUY ONE
Afraid so.

GUY TWO
Who are we up against?

GUY ONE
Britney Spears, Christina Areola, Destiny’s child and ‘NSYNC.

GUY TWO
Dude. We’re gonna lose.

GUY ONE
Dude. I know.
[/scripty]

My wish: Destiny’s Child
Assumed Winner: Britney Spears

Best Rock Video

  • Creed, “Higher”
  • Kid Rock, “Cowboy”
  • Korn, “Falling Away From Me”
  • Limp Bizkit, “Break Stuff”
  • Metallica, “I Disappear”
  • Rage Against The Machine, “Sleep Now In The Fire”

Hi. I’m Zack de la Rocha. I don’t want your fucking award anyway. Give it to Fred or he’ll start crying all over the place again, and the last time it was fucking disgusting. Seriously. The boy is a big fat pussy. And I’m a little afraid of Korn. And that Creed song isn’t fucking rock, okay? It’s crap. Best Crap Video, maybe, but the guy thinks he’s Eddie Vedder and even Eddie is all “he sounds like when I suck.” And if we keep giving Kid Rock money, he’s going to keep thinking that we like him. Please starve Kid Rock. He’s got kids to feed. Maybe if he didn’t have to keep having to force girls to give him head, he’d be able to put his kid through elementary school.

I rock your mom’s ass.

Love,
Zack

My wish: Rage Against the Machine
Assumed winner: Limp Bizkit 

Best Dance Video

  • Britney Spears, “(You Drive Me) Crazy”
  • Jennifer Lopez, “Waiting For Tonight”
  • ‘NSYNC, “Bye, Bye, Bye”
  • Ricky Martin, “Shake Your Bon Bon”
  • Sisqo, “Thong Song”

Oh, man. Where to start? My heart goes out to Ricky’s bon and his other bon, which filled me with many warm months last year, but he never returned my calls and I’m just over him. Over him.

But I do love the “Bye, Bye, Bye.” I can’t help it. It’s this year’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” You know it is.

When Jennifer Lopez releases her next album, “I Smell Skank,” then maybe she’ll have earned some awards in my book.

My wish: ‘NSYNC
Assumed winner: ‘NSYNC 

Best Hip-Hop Video

  • Juvenile, “Back That Thing Up”
  • Lauryn Hill, “Everything Is Everything”
  • Limp Bizkit f/ Method Man, “N 2 gether now”
  • Q-Tip, “Vivrant Thing”
  • Sisqo, “Thong Song”

Damn you, Sisqo! You and your song that’s everywhere! Dammit!

“Vivrant Thing” is both a good song and a video with more ass than Sisqo, but no one knows that. Shame. It’s pretty good.

Lauryn ain’t winnin’ no hip-hop surrounded by these boys.

I refuse to talk about anyone that wants me to “back” something up that he calls my “thing.”

You back your thing up, Juvenile.

And uh… Limp Bizkit? Wha?

My wish: Q-Tip
Assumed Winner: Sisqo 

Best R&B Video

  • Brian McKnight, “Back At One”
  • D’Angelo, “Untitled (How Does It Feel)”
  • Destiny’s Child, “Say My Name”
  • Toni Braxton, “He Wasn’t Man Enough”

Only four nominees here, which should tell you about the state of R&B on MTV. Even though the other nominees are crap, Destiny’s Child would have taken this anyway. Even Eric, who thinks my taste in music sucks hard, stopped to say that this was a pretty good video.

All colorful and in your face. I like it. I do.

“You actin’ kinda shady, ain’t callin’ me baby, why the sudden change?”

Come on, that rules.

I didn’t know D’Angelo was still around.

My wish: Destiny’s Child
Assumed Winner: Destiny’s Child 

Best Rap Video

  • DMX, “Party Up”
  • Dr. Dre f/ Eminem, “Forgot About Dre”
  • Eminem, “The Real Slim Shady”
  • Eve f/ Faith Evans, “Love Is Blind”
  • Jay-Z f/ U.G.K, “Big Pimpin'”

When I go to hell for thinking that The Kids of Widney High’s “Every Girl’s My Girlfriend” is one of the best songs of the year, there will be a special room made for me that plays “Big Pimpin” over and over again, just getting slightly louder each and every time, for all eternity.

That song makes me nauseous, it’s so bad. It feels like it’s being played on the wrong speed. It makes me so ANGRY! Oh, I hate Jay-Z! I really really hate him and his stupid flute rap. I hate it! Hate it!

What’s that “Wheh! Wheh!” noise going on in the back of that song? What is that? Ugh! Stupid!

My wish: Dr. Dre f/ Eminem
Assumed Winner: Dr. Dre f/ EminemCome on, no one likes that Pimpin’ song. Dre’s the only one on that list you gotta respect.

Best Group Video

  • Blink-182, “All The Small Things”
  • Destiny’s Child, “Say My Name”
  • Foo Fighters, “Learn To Fly”
  • ‘NSYNC, “Bye, Bye, Bye”
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication”

[scripty]
GUY TWO
Oh, man! We’re gonna lose again!

GUY ONE
I know.
[/scripty]

What I like about this list is that there are very different musical styles represented here. Most of them are rather good songs, and all of them (I’m just blinking on one of them, so really, I’m talking about four of them) have good videos for the songs. I really wouldn’t mind who wins here, but I want Dave Grohl to walk onstage and confess his love, so…

My wish: Foo Fighters
Assumed Winner: Red Hot Chili Peppers 

Best Female Video

  • Aaliyah, “Try Again”
  • Britney Spears, “Oops!… I Did It Again”
  • Christina Aguilera, “What A Girl Wants”
  • Macy Gray, “I Try”
  • Toni Braxton, “He Wasn’t Man Enough”

I think this will be where Christina will think she’s got it nailed. What she doesn’t realize is Toni’s got more of a chance that she’ll ever have, just because she’s young.

And I know y’all just want a cat fight, so take a few minutes here to imagine it.

Mmmm.

My wish: Macy Gray
Assumed Winner: Britney Spears 

Best Male Video

  • D’Angelo, “Untitled (How Does It Feel)”
  • Eminem, “The Real Slim Shady”
  • Kid Rock, “Cowboy”
  • Moby, “Natural Blues”
  • Ricky Martin, “Shake Your Bon Bon”

I hope Moby doesn’t get all dressed up and head down there.

Is the song really called “Untitled?” Because if so, what’s with the “(How Does It Feel)”? That’s the friggin’ title. Don’t call it “Untitled” and then give it a title. That’s stupid.

Oh, Kid Rock. I know this one’s going to you. I hate it, though.

My wish: Moby
My realistic wish: Eminem
Assumed Winner: Kid Rock 

Video Of The Year

  • Blink-182, “All The Small Things”
  • D’Angelo, “Untitled (How Does It Feel)”
  • Eminem, “The Real Slim Shady”
  • ‘NSYNC, “Bye, Bye, Bye”
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication”

Here it is. The big nominees. The big award. The boy’s club. How is fucking D’Angelo on that list and there’s not one woman? Really. Britney and Christina danced circles around D’Angelo and then they charged admission to see the circles where they danced and then parts of those circles were sold on eBay for thousands. D’Angelo. He sounds like a city where the A/C never works.

My wish: Lauryn Hill, No Doubt, Macy Gray, Britney Spears and Nine Inch Nails
Assumed Winner: ‘NSYNCWell, there you go. There are the nominees. We’ll see how I do next month. Until then, I might even see a couple of these things. Really. I want to see that Blur video.

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