Flipping Through My Mail

haven’t done this in a while.

Dear Today Show,
Okay. I like to watch you in the mornings. I like hearing Katie and Al and Matt all goof around and have fun while I get dressed and wake up and start my day.


I understand the importance of women’s health issues and I think it’s great you’re trying to create a bigger awareness and encourage women to get their annuals and all of that good stuff. I don’t think, though, that the pelvic organ prolapse piece should have been run at exactly eight in the morning. That’s right when I open my eyes. The first thing I saw this morning when I opened my eyes was internal organs falling through a vagina.

Couldn’t you run that just a bit later? Does it really need a graphic? If you tell me “Your internal organs fall out of your vagina into your underpants” I’m gonna go ahead and make my own damn visual on that one. I didn’t need you to show it to me. Seriously.

Thanks for the new diet, by the way.

Calling her gyno,


Dear Bad Dog Comedy Theater,
No! No! Come on! You know that I’m am the most excited person in Austin about the Zach and Dunky double feature. Why, why, why is it on the weekend I’m out of town? Oh, man. The rest of you Austinites should make reservations and go see it. You won’t be disappointed. Then write to me and tell me everything that happened.

Bad Dog, I’m so sad.



Dear 101X,
Is it you, or is it Club Protege trying to make up with me that you keep playing Weezer all the time? Yesterday you played “The Good Life” which is probably my favorite Weezer song. That was never a single. No one plays “The Good Life.” This morning right when I turned on the car “Buddy Holly” started up. What gives?

Don’t stop. Play more Wheatus.

No more Metallica.



Dear Books section,
I updated you, okay? Now quit your bitching.



Dear Club Protege,
I think, maybe, your days are numbered. I’m tired of sweating. I’m tired of the tears. I’m tired of you fooling around.



Dear Bring It On,
I cannot wait to see you. Don’t tell anybody. I love cheerleading competitions. I love it, love it, love it.



Dear weekend,
Oh, man. I thought we’d never see each other again. Let’s get naked.



Dear Squishy Readers,
I can’t believe how busy the forum is lately. I know this looks like there’s not much of an entry, but my new Young Americans recap is up, and it’s really darn funny, and there’s a Webhead up as well.

Have a good weekend.


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