“I sang the same song…” | going down billboard’s charts

In honor the break-up of Smashing Pumpkins, who were “fighting the good fight against the Britneys of the world,” I see it only fit to look at this week’s Billboard charts.

Here’s what they lost to:

1 “Maria Maria,” Santana Featuring The Product G&B
Arista | 13773

I’m tired. I’m tired, Santana. I want you to go away from my radio dial for three fucking minutes, please. Please. PLEASE. In Connecticut last week this song was on the radio three times in three hours, on the same station. I gave a big, heavy sigh the third time around, when my mother asked, “What is this crap?” I said, “It’s Santana.” She tried to argue, saying that it couldn’t be.

“This is his new sound, Ma,” I said.

“Well, it’s terrible.”

“I blame you.”

“What?”

“If you guys hadn’t encouraged him and then stopped buying his albums, he wouldn’t have had to try and ‘reach the kids’ with this stuff that’s now forced down my throat all damn day.”

2 “Breathe,” Faith Hill
Warner Bros. (Nashville) | 16884

There’s always that one country gal pining song on the chart, and it just makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

3 “Thong Song,” Sisqo
Dragon/Def Soul | 562599*

I’ve been hearing this song more than ever lately, and now it just reduces me to laughing fits. There’s something about that “Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong,” that just makes me hysterical. But the best is that guy just singing his ass off towards the end. “LET ME SEEEEEE! THAT THONG! BAY-BEEEE!” And the best: after shouting and wailing about this thong he wants to see so damn badly about eighty-seven times, he busts out with– “I DON’T THINK YOU HEARD ME!”

Trust me. She heard you. She’s now choosing to ignore your freaky ass.

“THAT THONG! OH, GOD!
ALL THAT’S IN HEAVEN THAT’S HOOOOOLY!
I NEED TO SEE!
THAT THONG! THAT THONG!
I THINK I MISSED MY BUS!
MY BUS!
WAITING! WAITING!
WAITING TO SEE!
THAT THONG! THAT THONG!
THAT THONG-THA-THONG-THONG-THONG!
PLEASE!”

Anthony Michael Hall was more dignified asking for Molly Ringwald’s panties.

4 “He Wasn’t Man Enough,” Toni Braxton
LaFace | 24463

5 “You Sang To Me,” Marc Anthony
Columbia | 79406

I’m skipping these two due to complete lack of caring. I would like to say that I’m pretty fucking happy I haven’t had to hear any Brandi lately.

6 “I Try,” Macy Gray
Epic | ALBUM CUT

I don’t even want to like this song anymore, but I can’t help it. It’s on so damn much, that I just wish they’d release something else. I saw Macy on Rosie the other day, and it sorta cracks me up, since Macy’s got this reputation for a heroin addiction, and all of her songs are about pain and addiction and… oh right, murder, and Rosie’s all, “This one’s for the kids!”

7 “Everything You Want,” Vertical Horizon
RCA | ALBUM CUT

I think this song has been on heavy rotation on the radio for over three months now. That’s too damn long. Too damn long. Here’s a hint: If Get Real was using it, its time is over. They were using Moby’s “Bodyrockin’” for the “Rave” episode, like it was this great new song that wasn’t hocking an Acura the week before.

8 “Be With You,” Enrique Iglesias
Interscope | 497320*

9 “Try Again,” Aaliyah
Blackground | SOUNDTRACK CUT

See 5 and 6 above. I don’t even know if I could sing these songs to you.

10 “Say My Name,” Destiny’s Child
Columbia | 79342

I love this song. I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong and goes against everything, but it makes my head wiggle and my butt wiggle and it makes the index finger on my right hand come up and do that swerve and my lips purse and I’m all pissy about some man doin’ me wrong.

That’s what Destiny’s Child does to me.

I’m not proud.

11 “I Wanna Know,” Joe
Jive | SOUNDTRACK & ALBUM CUT

I consider this song to be everything that’s wrong with R&B. There’s absolutely nothing in this song. The guy can’t even sing that well. Oh, it’s just so damn boring. It’s a terribly boring song. I can’t dance to it, I don’t think of anyone when I hear it, and Joe sounds like he’s singing in his sleep. Good R&B should at least woo me if it’s not gonna get me all wet. Damn, what a waste.

12 “Bye Bye Bye,” ‘N Sync
Jive | 42681*

On the other hand…. I must confess my ultimate love for this song. It’s wrong, it’s wronger than liking Destiny’s Child. It’s the wrongest thing in the world for me to totally dig a song by a boy band. I know this, and I’m willing to pay for it later, but damn if I don’t start dancing to this song every single time it’s on.

I can’t even get sick of it. I tried.

And you know what? I put it on my random CD player (who has picked this CD as one of the CDs it likes, so it plays it all of the time) and it’s just the single, and not the album (thanks, ericajackson.com), and every time people kind of give the stereo this obligatory “I hate NSYNC” look, and then I see them shaking and grooving. You can’t help it.

It’s the “Bye bye bye!” part of the song.

I’m grooving now, and it’s not even on.

13 “Oops!…I Did It Again,” Britney Spears
Jive | ALBUM CUT

Here’s how I deal with this song. I pretend that I’m still just listening to “…Baby One More Time.” You can sing the old words right on top of this one, and you never miss a beat. I don’t know what Britney’s deal is with the ellipses, but whatever. She’s clearly got her own thing going. I just don’t like Britney as much as Christina. I’ve thought about it, and here’s why– Christina really is just trashy. She doesn’t play games. She just wants to fuck you. She’s hot jailbait who wants to go out to a fancy dinner with you and stick her toes in your crotch while you’re eating your Caesar salad.

Britney acts like she wants to, but ends up crying like Mena Suvari all over your Oxford the second you get her near a pillow.

Christina doesn’t play games. Britney freely admits that she does.

I want the girl who knows what she wants.

14 “Otherside,” Red Hot Chili Peppers
Warner Bros. | 16875

I want to think that the Chili Peppers go home every night and say, “I wish we never wrote one fucking ballad, because we never get to play our rockin’ shit anymore.” I’m sure they don’t, but instead just cover their strummy guitars with hundred dollar bills, but I like to think that they feel just the least bit sorry about making pre-teens everywhere list the Chili Peppers along with the Backstreet Boys as two of their favorite boy bands.

The Chili Peppers have become a boy band. I think it’s time for me to just give up. Seriously.

15 “Amazed,” Lonestar
BNA | 65957

Who in the what now?

16 “The Real Slim Shady,” Eminem
Web/Aftermath | 497334*

last night.

[scripty]

PAMIE
Baby, I’m gonna go out and buy that new Eminem. I just wanted to warn you.

ERIC
Baby, he’s just going to break your heart again.

PAMIE
No, I think it’s going to be fine.

ERIC
I thought you hated him because he insulted women.

PAMIE
But he sorta insults everyone. An equal-opportunity offender, just like Monks’ Night Out.

ERIC
Uh-huh.

PAMIE
I just won’t listen to the songs about him killing his ex-wife.

ERIC
You’re gonna get upset again.

PAMIE
No.

ERIC
“Oh, but he’s just so cute, I can’t help it!”

PAMIE
Shut up. The boy’s got skillz.

ERIC
I know. I like that song, too.

PAMIE
I just hope I don’t end up angry again.

ERIC
You will.

PAMIE
I know. But maybe someone will steal it again like the last one.

[/scripty]

17 “It Feels So Good,” Sonique
Farmclub.com/Republic | 156247

This is the best song ever written. Strong harmony, a good beat, and I just can’t stop dreaming about the lead singer.

I’m kidding. I’ve never heard of it. I’ve just always wanted to say something like that. Alas, it might never happen.

18 “Higher,” Creed
Wind-up | ALBUM CUT

Seriously. I will pay money to whomever I have to pay money to for this song to stop playing on every single station every single fifteen minutes. It is now physically impossible for me to get in my car to drive to the fucking corner store without hearing this song.

I’ll sleep with someone. I’ll sleep with you. I don’t care. Just get it off my fucking radio. Please. Please. For the love of all that’s holy, please. I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t. I just can’t. I’m so weak now.

So cold… so very cold…

19 “There You Go,” Pink
LaFace | 24456

All I know is Dana likes this song. I wish I had heard it more than that one time in the bar, so that I’d have an opinion on it.

20 “I Turn To You,” Christina Aguilera
RCA | ALBUM CUT

Go, girl.

Modern Rock

1 “Kryptonite,” 3 Doors Down
Republic

Oh, I feel like I should know the number one song on the Modern Chart. Why don’t I? I really don’t know it at all. You know, I probably do, but it’s one of those songs that I’ll turn off in like three seconds. I do that if it’s got more than five strummies in the first few seconds. I do it if I’ve been listening for thirty seconds before someone starts to sing more than just the chorus. I also do it if the singer sounds like Kurt Cobain and isn’t Kurt Cobain.

2 “Adam’s Song,” Blink-182
MCA

A kid killed himself listening to this song the other week. And I’m not positive, but wasn’t this the name of the song on Mr. Show’s “Titanica” sketch (the best Mr. Show sketch ever) where the kid tried to kill himself in a vat of acid after hearing their song about killing yourself with acid and they wrote their next song: “Adam’s Song (Try Again)”? I’m pretty sure.

This song really depresses me, though. I can’t listen to it very often.

3 “Otherside,” Red Hot Chili Peppers
Warner Bros.

(Insert heavy sigh here)

4 “With Arms Wide Open,” Creed
Wind-up

Huh? I’m sorry, I was asleep. What’s going on?

5 “Pardon Me,” Incubus
Immortal

6 “Sour Girl,” Stone Temple Pilots
Atlantic

I always expect to hate the next thing from STP, but I end up liking it anyway. I like this “Sour Girl” song. But Weiland seems tired. I miss that “Big Bang Baby” sound they had a few years ago. Now it’s like he’s just meeting a bunch of tired people and writing about them.

7 “Make Me Bad,” Korn
Immortal

I almost, almost, ALMOST liked a Korn song.

Okay, I think I like “Freak on a Leash.” They wore me down and broke me. After five hundred listenings, the song isn’t that bad.

There. Now please stop playing it.

8 “Breakout,” Foo Fighters
Roswell

Whee!

9 “Voodoo,” Godsmack
Republic

I need someone to tell me if someone from Alice in Chains is in this band. Because they just rip the shit off Alice in Chains, including the NAME OF THE BAND, so I really need someone to tell me if this is a rip-off or a spin-off. Because I’m tired of them, and they won’t go away, so now I might as well know about them.

10 “Absolutely (Story Of A Girl),” Nine Days
550 Music

11 “So Sad To Say,” The Mighty Mighty
Bosstones Big Rig/Island

I know those words, but not in that order.

12 “Judith,” A Perfect Circle
Virgin

Here’s why I have to know about Godsmack. I heard this song and went, “Oh, thanks Tool,” thinking that they were a Tool rip-off, but then it’s like Tool but not Tool because it’s the Tool guy without his Tool guys. But it’s Tool. I mean, really. I read an interview where they were saying that this was a mellower Tool that’s more like Nine Inch Nails, but then I stopped listening because I was ripping my eyes out in agony.

13 “Nothing As It Seems,” Pearl Jam
Epic

This is what it sounds like
when bands die.

14 “Sleep Now In The Fire,” Rage Against The
Machine Epic

Here’s how cool Zack de la Rocha is: he can write a song that has the words, “I am the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria” and nobody laughs. That’s fucking cool, yo. You can’t do that shit. I can’t do that shit. Zack can. Check that out.

I mean, yes, I know the lyrics, I know the song, but the first time you hear it all you can really make out is “I am the Nina the Pinta the Santa Maria” and that’s funny.

I’m starting to feel like Jane Pratt that time that she wrote how REM can sing a song about Orange Crush and make it sound important and hundreds of people wrote in with letters like, “Um, Jane? Yeah, you’re an idiot.”

15 “Miserable,” Lit
RCA

16 “Bent,” matchbox twenty
Lava

I’m so glad matchbox twenty changed that “20” to “twenty” because now people can actually respect them for the true artists that they are.

I blame Santana on that one.

17 “I Disappear,” Metallica
Hollywood

I really cannot believe that Metallica is still around. Are you buying their albums? Who’s buying their albums? I’m not doing it. Are you doing it? Is it you? Could you stop, please? Please? Don’t encourage them. I’m still pissed that they were all, “We’re never making videos because we’re a real band” and now they’re like, “We got Cat Stevens in an upcoming video, so please call TRL and request it non-stop, okay?”

18 “Boyz-N-The Hood,” Dynamite Hack
Farmclub.com

This is an Austin band, and I thought that this song was only playing around here. I’m wrong.

Did you guys like them better when they were Tenacious D?

I went to see a play the other night, and I actually had to not scream at the people sitting behind me who had the following arguments:

• “Liv Tyler was in Say Anything, and Lily Taylor was in that Bruce Willis movie with the meteorite.”
  “Well, which one is Steven Tyler’s daughter?”
  “Lily Taylor.”
  “Well, then why isn’t her last name Tyler?”
  “It might be. Right. She’s Lily Tyler, and the other is Liv Taylor. I always get them backwards.”
• “So, which one is in High Fidelity?”
  “Liv Taylor.”
  “Does she sing about Joe again?”
• “No, but that guy who sings Boyz-N-the-Hood is in it.”
  “He is?”
  “Yeah, remember we saw them on HBO, and they were here for South-By-Southwest?”
  “That’s not the same guy. That’s Tenacious D.”
  “Yeah.”
  “No, that’s them. They sing that.”
• “Wait, which guy in Tenacious D was in High Fidelity?”
  “The funny one.”
  “OH! He’s good.”
  “That’s not him.”
• “What’s his name?”
  “Frank Black or something.”
  “I like that Boyz-N-the-Hood song.”
• “Me too. Did you know it used to be a rap song?”
  “No, I didn’t know that!”

19 “Break Stuff,” Limp Bizkit
Flip

Dear Fred Durst,

Although I still find you a talentless assface, I’m writing to regretfully inform you that I think this Break Stuff song kicks ass. Thanks for making me jam out in my car and have other drivers think I’m totally insane.

That’s all.

No love,
pamie

20 “Take A Look Around,” Limp Bizkit
Hollywood

Fred–

Good job with the two in a row and all, but I don’t even know what this one is, and I won’t like it, I promise you.

-p

And I’m not commenting on these, but don’t they look made up? I just wanted you to see them. The titles all look really made up. Like this is a fake rap list.

Rap

1 “(Hot S**t) Country Grammar,” Nelly
Fo’ Reel | 156800

2 “Wobble Wobble,” 504 Boyz
No Limit | 38698

3 “Whistle While You Twurk,” Ying Yang
Twins ColliPark | 1005*

4 “One Four Love Pt. 1,” Hip Hop For Respect
Rawkus | 38712*

5 “Bounce,” Miracle
Major Turnout/Sound Of Atlanta | 0001*

6 “I Like Dem Girlz,” Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz
BME | 7777*

7 “Hot Boyz,” Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott
Featuring NAS, EVE & Q-Tip
The Gold Mind/EastWest | 64029

8 “Me Without A Rhyme,” Big Gank Featuring
DJ Swamp
Fade Entertainment | 2197

9 “Make It Hot,” Legend
Deh Tyme/Diron | 70473

10 “Crooked I Anthem/Ridaz,” Profitt Featuring C-Loc
Keep-n It Real | 0021

Hee. Wobble Wobble. I can’t wait to hear that one. That’s the one I keep hearing about. I just haven’t heard the song yet.

I love that Pop Music can completely capture the mood and feeling of that particular time. Not all of it, but a good Pop song makes you remember right where you were when you’d hear it all the time, and how old you were, who your friends were, what you looked like.

So, goodbye Billy and the Pumpkins, as you were one band that defined my early college years. We had a continual love-hate thing going, and I’m sure that’s just what you wanted. I reluctantly bought “Gish” when some magazine called them the next Jane’s Addiction. I didn’t think they sounded like Jane’s Addiction, so I hated them. I tried it again and loved it. Siamese Dream is still one of the best albums of the 90’s. And yeah, it went downhill from there, but there are a couple of songs on Melon Collie that I like.

Go be a rock star, Billy, since that’s what you wanted.

And for the record, I liked the album Kurt wrote for Courtney much much much more than the one you wrote for her.

And I’m not involved in this flame war, but it’s all about me. I guess I’m famous now.