did you miss mah fuzzyhead?

Bonjour.

It iz I, Taylor!

You remember me, no? Taylor. Taylor! I am Taylor!

You cannot rezizt me, baybee.

Well, things at Chez Taylor have been most busy, lately. Yesterday I barely got my ninteen hours of sleep in, what with pamie’s mommy coming over. Everyone wants to touch the fuzzyhead. Everyone must touch me, no? I cannot keep batting people and kicking them away all day long, mah friendz. Taylor gets tired.

I have taken to sleeping on pamie’s arm in zee mornings while I wait for her to stop hitting zee top of zee noise box. I feel that the closer she iz to my mouth, the sooner she’ll realize it’z time to feed it, yes?

I also wanted to tell you I have been reading about one fine cat, Brad Pitt. I am sure he must be French-Candadian, with that biting wit he has, no? I also read pamie’s Webhead article, but I do not understand what iz so funny about her sometimes. I’m sure you all think she’s very cute and just laugh all day at her, but trust me, people, if she waz singing songs in your face night and day about the number of triangles on your body or the amount of fur on your face, you would not be laughing for very long. Mon dieu.

I just had to come on here and tell you about zee recent injustices I, Taylor, have been suffering.

First of all, Cal (pih!) is totally out of control, and I cannot understand why he insists on jumping on my butt when I am trying to walk to zee futon. It iz not a fun game, and I have tried to just ignore it, but he simply will not go away and leave me alone. I now have to get him in a weakened position, and wait for him to fall off of something in zee air. It iz not hard, no? He iz very clumsy. Yesterday he chased a plastic bag for thirty minutes. Zee bag was empty, people. Zere was no food in zere. Stupid creature.

Apparently pamie had run out of food for me early this week. She knew it waz coming. I knew it waz coming. You could tell by the sound the food bag waz making in zee morning zat zee food level was dangerously low. Did she run right out and purchase a new bag of food for me? No. Meh. Of course not. She knowz that I cannot leave zee house, and she continues to torture me with scraps zat I must fight with zee creature (pih!) over. But zee other morning, she reached a new low, mah friendz.

She thought she could trick me by leaving a pile of treats in my bowl. Zeese “treats,” as she called them, were from 1998. I don’t even know what that means other than: they were like little pieces of old poop. I could not bite into them, and had to just let them dissolve on mah pretty tongue. Oh, mon dieu! It was so bad, no? I could not believe how bad they tasted. I just had to keep eating them because I couldn’t believe how awful each and every piece of petrified friskies tasted.

You like my use of zee word “petrified,” no? I have been watching “Jeopardy.” It sounds French, yes? Jjjeparrrdeeeh. Hoh-huh.

Anyway, long story short, zee little rocks called “treats” caused my chin dots to come back, and zey are very itchy and I do not like zem. Pamie callz them “acne” and for some reazon she giggles when she sees them. I do not giggle when I see little dots on her face, people. I do not giggle at all, mah friendz.

I also have anotzer problem. I cannot stop watching “Will and Grace” people. Zat Karen and zat Jack! Mon dieu! Waz there ever a better match? Zee wit! Zee constant “catty” jokes! I love zee cat jokes! Meh! Mih! Irresistable.

Taylor’s Mail Corner

Dear Taylor,
I need your help. My Big Cats recently brought a new little creature into the house. I can’t escape it! It chases me everywhere! They call it a “dog.” Doesn’t that sound just ugly? I can’t take it anymore, Taylor. I need your help. Please! Hurry! Woah! It’s coming closer! Must hit se–

Bonjour Anonymous,
First of all, you do not have to take this type of treatment. Find out where zis “dog” is trying to poop. Make sure you move zee poop into an area where your owners will step on it. Because you have never had this behaviour before, they will assume it is zee new creature (pih!) and then zey will instantly yell at zee new creature, and never love him like the pure honest love zey have for you. For added bonus power, I suggest peeing on zee poop. I have been trying zis out for about three weeks now, and I must say, it iz going off without a hitch. I like to leave old hardened Cal (pih!) poop near zee futon, or right in front of zee bathroom door. I also like to put it just outside zee litter box, so it looks like he is being cheeky, yes? Oh, I am just so smart, I tell you. Do not put the poop in places where you would like to perhaps take a nap later, though, as you really never get rid of zee smell.

As for hiding, I highly suggest the underside of the large box your owners sleep on every night. It is covered by a very thin piece of material that you can easily bite or scratch through. You climb in and absolutely no one can reach you. I promise. I highly recommend this to escape from men with cans of bad-smelling water, large groups of people with big shoes, Big Noisy Sucking Machines, at first sight of Zee Cage (aka- zee Carrier to zee Bottom-Probing Place), and every time you are being chased by zis new creature.

Mon dieu! It iz not easy being such divine creatures, no?

Much love. Send Pounce.

Leave a Reply