i’m seven

and my parents are on their way, dude.

I damaged the muscles around my solar plexus doing Tae-Bo on Monday. I’m not sure how I did it, and I don’t know how to avoid doing it again. It hurts to stand up straight, and it hurts to lean back at all. It’s like someone is pulling my ribcage inward. Ow.

In the space of thirty minutes yesterday afternoon I learned that not one, but both of my parents are coming to town this evening to have dinner and give me a birthday present. That means I’m freaking out about the condition of my apartment, car, thighs, etc. I have no time to just be funny and charming because I have to save it all up for this evening. I can’t even test out jokes on you guys, because my parents are the toughest crowd ever. Ever.

(I know you want an example, here.)

Pamie and her parents are walking into a Best Buy in Houston, Texas. A man walks next to them with his head ducked down, wearing a red, white and blue windbreaker).

[scripty]
PAMIE
Guys! Look! It’s Bela Karolyi!

MOM
What?

DAD
Huh?

PAMIE
Look! The guy over there!

MOM
What?

DAD
Now, what’s wrong?

PAMIE
Hurry! You’re missing him. Look!

MOM
What am I looking at, Pamela?

DAD
Huh?

PAMIE
Forget it. He’s gone.

DAD
Who’s gone?

PAMIE
There was a guy walking out of the store with a red, white and blue jacket. I was just making a joke that–

MOM
I’m looking for a guy? Which guy?

PAMIE
No. Ma, he’s gone. He’s in a car now.

MOM
Did you know him?

PAMIE
No. I was making a joke that it was Bela Karolyi, because–

MOM
Who?

PAMIE
The gymnastics coach from here in Houston.

DAD
He’s an Olympic coach.

PAMIE
Right. With Kerri Strug? You know, “I-I-I-I-I’m re-e-e-e-eally h-a-a-a-a-appy to just wi-i-i—”

MOM
What’s wrong with you? What are you doing?

PAMIE
That’s my Kerri Strug.

MOM
Who?

PAMIE
The gymnast.

MOM
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

DAD
She’s talking about the Olympic coach. He taught Nadia Comaneci.

MOM
Well, why didn’t you say Nadia? I know Nadia.

PAMIE
I don’t know, Mom.

MOM
So, you met Nadia?

PAMIE
No. There was a guy who just walked out of the store wearing this jacket that was all “Go America” and I was just making a joke that–

DAD
That wasn’t Bela Karolyi.

PAMIE
I know. It was just a joke.

MOM
Well, why would I get that joke? I don’t watch the Olympics.

PAMIE
I was mostly telling Dad.

DAD
Well, I didn’t see him.

PAMIE
I know.

MOM
I’m sure it was very funny, sweetheart.

PAMIE
This is my A-list material here, people.
[/scripty]

So, I’ve got to go bone up, because I’ve got to come up with new stuff for tonight, and I figure the eye goo discussion probably won’t go well over the dinner table.

Your Moment of Zen

Every day I pass this sign on my way home from work. I finally got a picture of it:

Ha. Hee. Hee-hee. HeeeeeeeeHAHAHAHAHAH. AH! HA! HEE! HA. Huh. hih. hiiii. ha. heee. hee. hoo. huh. ih. ih. huh-huh-huh-huh-ha. HA!

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