Eighthead

great. more body issues.

Congrats to Martha Kelly, who won last night’s Funniest Person in Austin. What a great night of performing. Seriously. We got some funny mother fuckers in this town.

Last night I hung out with Erica. We had a good time and she met just about everyone ever mentioned in the pages of Squishy. That’s a lot of pamie’s world in one evening. At the end of the night she was taking Polaroids of me to take with her. In each photo we’d begin dissecting our own faces.

I realized that my forehead is out of control. It’s huge.

Today at work:

[scripty]
PAMIE
Nathan, I’m thinking about changing my hair.

NATHAN
What do you mean?

PAMIE
New hair. Get new hair.

NATHAN
New hair, how?

PAMIE
I don’t know, maybe bangs or something. A new look. New hair.

NATHAN
What’s wrong with your hair?

PAMIE
I’ve got to do something with this forehead.

NATHAN
Are you serious?

PAMIE
It’s out of control, Nathan.

NATHAN
Your forehead?

PAMIE
Look at this. I can put my entire palm on the surface of my forehead. That’s not right.

NATHAN
Pam. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about men…

PAMIE
Huge forehead. Huge-ass forehead.

NATHAN
Men don’t care about the forehead.

PAMIE
Oh, whatever.

NATHAN
They don’t. Men don’t notice the forehead.

PAMIE
They do, Nathan.

NATHAN
I promise you that they don’t. They don’t even notice your forehead.

PAMIE
They do, Nathan.

NATHAN
I’ll prove it to you. Excuse me, sir!

PAMIE
Oh, Lord.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
What’s up, Nathan? You need money?

NATHAN
No, not now. See this girl here?

MAN I DON’T KNOW
Yes.

NATHAN
This is my friend Pam.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
Hi, Pam.

PAMIE
Hi.

NATHAN
Now, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to look at Pam’s face.

PAMIE
Can we stop this now?

MAN I DON’T KNOW
Her face?

NATHAN
Yes. Tell me what you think about Pam’s face.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
What do you mean?

NATHAN
Is it an attractive face?

MAN I DON’T KNOW
Yes, I’d say it was an attractive face.

PAMIE
Nathan, he doesn’t even know me, of course he’s going to say that.

NATHAN
Now, you can be blunt, here. Pam already thinks she knows what’s wrong with her face, so you might as well just be honest with her.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
I see nothing wrong with her face.

NATHAN
What about her hair?

PAMIE
Jesus.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
She seems to have nice hair.

NATHAN
You don’t have to humor her. She knows she just twisted her hair up like that minutes before she left today.

PAMIE
Thanks, Nathan.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
I see nothing wrong with her hair.

NATHAN
Anything wrong with her face? Anything sticking out as a huge mistake on her face? Just sitting there all, “Hi!”

MAN I DON’T KNOW
No.

NATHAN
What about her forehead?

MAN I DON’T KNOW
What’s wrong with it?

NATHAN
I’m asking you.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
Well, I like foreheads. That’s a nice forehead. She’s got a nice one.

PAMIE
Well, thank you.

NATHAN
Thank you, sir. That’s all we needed to know. Pam, tell the gentleman what’s wrong with your forehead.

PAMIE
It’s huge.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
I like it.

PAMIE
I can’t even get bangs because then I look like I’m fifteen. Just need the braces and I’m ready for *NSYNC.

MAN I DON’T KNOW
I think you look fine.

PAMIE
Thank you. Can I go in now, Nathan?

NATHAN
Yes. I’m coming in, too. See? Men don’t care about the forehead.

PAMIE
You happened to pick a forehead man. You got lucky.

NATHAN
I wonder what other parts of the body women worry about that men don’t even notice. Tell me, Pam. What else do you think we care about that we don’t?

PAMIE
First of all, he never said he didn’t care about the forehead. In fact, he said that he liked foreheads, which means that he spends time studying women’s foreheads. I’m just lucky that size matters to him.

NATHAN
What else do you worry about?

PAMIE
Eyebrows. Women are always plucking them and drawing on them and I don’t do anything to mine and I’m wondering if I should. If I’m neglecting them.

NATHAN
I suppose it’d be different if you had huge black eyebrows, but– Excuse me, Gentlemen!

PAMIE
Oh, man!

MAN I DO KNOW
Yes, Nathan.

MAN I ALSO KNOW
Hey, guys.

NATHAN
I need you to do me a favor.

PAMIE
Can we not do this, please?

MAN I DO KNOW
What’s the problem, Nathan?

PAMIE
Nothing.

NATHAN
I need you to take a look at our friend Pam here.

(the men pamie knows start closing in around her, studying with their pipes and cigarettes poised just outside of their mouths)

MAN I DO KNOW
She’s blushing. You’re embarrassing her.

PAMIE
Yes.

NATHAN
You sir, I don’t know you, could you come over here, too?

PAMIE
Can we stop bothering people?

NATHAN
Now, I want you guys to look at Pam’s face.

PAMIE
I’m sorry.

NATHAN
What do you notice about her face?

MAN I ALSO KNOW
It’s a long face.

PAMIE
Great. Now I got something else to worry about.

MAN I KNOW
It’s proportional. Two eyes. Nose.

MAN I ALSO KNOW
Ears on both sides of her head.

NATHAN
Do you see something wrong with Pam’s face?

PAMIE
I’d like to go in now.

MAN I KNOW
No, it’s a nice face.

NATHAN
Attractive?

MAN I KNOW
Yes, I’d say it was attractive.

MAN I ALSO KNOW
Now, that gets into sexism stuff, so I’m staying away from that. I know how she is about all of that.

PAMIE
Ha.

NATHAN
Sir, could you come over here and tell me if there’s anything wrong with this girl’s face?

MAN I HAVE NEVER MET IN MY LIFE
No, I’m gonna smoke over here.

PAMIE
Thank you!

MAN I HAVE NEVER MET IN MY LIFE
Don’t mention it!

NATHAN
Guys, I want you to look at Pam’s forehead.

MAN I KNOW
Yeah.

NATHAN
Anything wrong?

MAN I ALSO KNOW
I don’t see anything.

NATHAN
Pam?

PAMIE
It’s huge.

MAN I KNOW
It’s Elizabethan.

PAMIE
Right.

MAN I ALSO KNOW
Besides, it’s not like a receding hairline or anything.

MAN I KNOW
In fact, I’d say that if your forehead was any smaller, then your face wouldn’t look as nice.

PAMIE
Because of my long face.

MAN I ALSO KNOW
Exactly.

NATHAN
See?

MAN I KNOW
It’s very proportional. Without that forehead your long face would look strange.

PAMIE
I’m going in now.

MAN I ALSO KNOW
It’s a good forehead for the long face, you’re right.

PAMIE
That’s enough, guys.

MAN I ALSO KNOW
And your Jay Leno chin.

PAMIE
ALL RIGHT! I’M GOING INSIDE!

NATHAN
(following pamie inside and up the elevator)
I’m pretty sure he was joking about your chin.

PAMIE
Are we done asking strangers to evaluate my body now? I’m going into my office, and I’m not coming out until my face is different.

WOMAN ON ELEVATOR
(laughs)

NATHAN
You see, Pam? Guys don’t care about the forehead.

PAMIE
First of all, they all had something to say about my forehead and why it was needed for my LONG FACE! And second, I happen to know for a fact that men do notice the forehead, okay?

NATHAN
How do you know that?

PAMIE
Because I’ve had someone tell me before that I’ve got a big ‘ol forehead, okay?

WOMAN ON ELEVATOR
Oh my God.

PAMIE
Uh, yeah!

NATHAN
Man or woman?

PAMIE
Man. That’s what this whole conversation is about, Nathan.

NATHAN
Was he gay?

WOMAN ON ELEVATOR
(laughing at pamie and her huge forehead)

PAMIE
No, he wasn’t gay, Nathan.

NATHAN
Well, I don’t believe you. He must have been grasping for something to pick on you about.

PAMIE
You don’t have to look for very long before my big ass forehead is right in your face sitting around on my long ass head.

NATHAN
Don’t forget the chi–

PAMIE
I swear to God I will punch you right here in Inside Sales.

NATHAN
How ’bout some coffee, Pam?

PAMIE
Yes, I think that would be lovely, Nathan.

NATHAN
Seriously, is there anything else you think men concern themselves with about your body?

PAMIE
You haven’t helped at all, you know.

NATHAN
I know, but now I’m officially just having fun.

PAMIE
I don’t like you very much anymore.

NATHAN
Someone had cake and we didn’t get any!

PAMIE
Probably for Secretaries Day.

NATHAN
Oh, happy Secretaries Day, by the way.

PAMIE
I think that was Monday.

NATHAN
No, I think that it’s today.

PAMIE
It doesn’t matter, anyway.

NATHAN
But, Pam, aren’t you my secretary?…. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you give the finger before.

PAMIE
Get used to it, Nathan.

NATHAN
Should be talk about your cargo pants now?

PAMIE
I’m not talking to you anymore today. I hope you have a good afternoon.

NATHAN
Are you concerned about your abnormally small ears? Because we don’t notice that either.

PAMIE
Goodbye, Nathan.

NATHAN
Wait! We didn’t start talking about your weird toes!

(slam)

NATHAN
Ah, yes. Today is a good day.
[/scripty]

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