i just never took it so literally.
Ugh! Ih! Ih! Ih!
I should just go home right now. I need to go home and start my weekend and just get a whole bunch of work done and pretend that the past five minutes didn’t just happen because they have been too damaging.
I went out for a smoke break. It has been rainy in Austin for the past week, and today it’s rather sunny and warm. This means that our smoke break area is filled with all sorts of insects and creepy-crawlies who are trying to find a new home. The wall/bench we sit on has caterpillars and inchworms and small ants and things. I don’t really freak out about those kinds of bugs, although my friend does, so he kept his distance while I sat around nature and had my break.
I walked back into the building after my smoke and went into the bathroom. As I was walking into the stall, I felt an itch on the back of my neck. As I reached to scratch it, I felt the itch move in a direct line around the front of my neck and down the center of my chest.
This means only one thing: INVASION IN SECTOR 34D.
I screech/squealed and pulled off my shirt, pulling my bra up and over so that it dangled around my neck and found this beetle just hanging out between my breasts. He was all, “Whazzzzzup?”
I picked it up and threw it down and stepped on it and stepped on it and stepped on it and I think I may have called it a pervert.
I took a breath and calmed down. I still had to pee, amazingly, so I went to… (this suddenly feels really personal)… anyway, I went to pull down my pants.
Halfway through the pull (you ladies will understand that half-lean as you pull) I looked down to see a HUGE BLACK SPIDER ON MY THIGH. It was all black with those red, “Hey, nice skin, babe” eyes and I think its front two legs were up and ready to start giving me a mini-massage.
Yiih!! Ih! Iiiiiih! Nooooo!
I hit the thing off my flesh so hard that I banged the back of my hand into the toilet paper dispenser. At this point I started stomping and freaking out. It’s one thing for a little beetle bug to hop a ride on the back of your neck, but it’s completely different to have big hairy spiders hitching a ride INSIDE YOUR JEANS!
Paranoia taking instant control of my body, I stripped all of my clothes off right there inside the stall and spun around and twirled and tried to find any more possible stowaways. I picked up my clothes and searched them.
And as I stood there clad in only a bra around my neck and my vans and white socks, I thought to myself, “I am such a dork.”
But really, a spider inside your clothes is going way too fucking far. That’s breaking boundaries, man.
So, now I’m sitting here and I’m all itchy, and every stray long hair of mine that hits my arm sends me into shivers and shrieks and I keep thinking there are bugs in my hair and on my back and in my socks and I keep scratching and swatting myself and I’m totally freaking out here all alone in my office, wondering how much longer these phantom tickles are going to happen.
Right now, as I was typing, I felt another “phantom itch” and I looked down on my arm to see if it was a piece of hair again or a string or something, but instead it was a green bug.
Here in my office! I didn’t get them all and they are still crawling out from inside my clothes! What did I do to deserve this torture? Jesus, get them off of me!
I’ve got the Skittles rainbow of bugs all over me!
And I know people always freak out and say they’ve got bugs crawling all over them, but, people! There are bugs crawling all over me! Ick!
I can’t keep typing. I can feel them planning an attack.
I’m gonna go strip down in the bathroom again.
I’m so fired.