taylor talks babies.
You have missed me, no?
Of course you have. I am Taylor!
Oh, it haz been a very, very interesting couple of weeks around here, let me tell you, my friends. People walk in, then they walk back out, there iz much beer. Many, many cigarettes,which I thought I had seen the last of around here, and generally people are all up in my shit, no?
I did want to say a very, very big congratulations to Madam Diane for the pushing out of the newest member of her family. I am always proud of the ones who ran very fast from the doctor before he did the snipping thing zat he did with me. Snip! Snip! Oh, we laugh, but really, it iz not funny, those were my body parts that man just took away from me. I do not recall signing anything giving anyone permission for any sort of snipping. I would, in fact, remember such a document. I promise you.
And since we are already on zee subject, perhaps we should talk a moment about babies, yes? Not just babies, mind you, but all sorts of small new things. I do have a couple of opinions here. Listen. Just because it iz new, it iz not necessarily better, yes?
Zis Cal has really, really opened my eyes to how you people treat things zat are new. Everyone loves zis new creature. “Oh! Look at it! It haz no tail! It iz so perky! Look how high he can jump! Look how he plays with things I put near him!”
He was in the slammer, people! Zat iz what they teach you in there so you get a lighter sentence! He knows all of zee tricks. Oh, and it iz really disgusting when he lays on all of that charm. Zee way you coo and awe when he sticks his paw under a shut door. The way you think he loves you when he pats at you as you walk by. I saw zis one time where he was carrying around a water bottle top and jumping and catching zee thing like he had just been bought the world’s most expensive supermouse, and I have to tell you I almost had to vomit right then and there. And I really wanted to because I was in zee mood for a light snack, but alas, there was nothing. This creature makes me so angry that I cannot even vomit. And that, my friends, iz very very sad indeed.
Babies get all of zee attention because they seem so new and helpless. Zey are not helpless! Please. I think for nine months before you even saw them they were GROWING BODY PARTS. They would suck nutrition from your body. Oh, and I believe they turned themselves around and shot out of your bodies with very little help on your part, no? And I think they start breathing without you teaching them how. Just my assumption, I could be wrong. But right then iz when they make the conscious decision to start mooching off of you and playing up that helpless card so they get everything zeir little hearts desire for the next eighteen years.
Zis creature iz like that. Not three minutes after Eric’s dad had walked in the door the creature had won hiz heart. Oh, he had nicknames for him and would play with him all night long. He kept wanting to take pictures of him. Meanwhile I just sat around like the pate that I apparently was.
Let me tell you something. At night? When there iz no one to impress? That creature is evil. EVIL. He runs in circles and chants. Sometimes he hides the car keys. One time I saw him drink from the water cooler with his mouth. He iz truly disgusting.
So, what am I saying here, eh? Babies and new kitties– very cute, yes. But they are playing you for suckers. Especially new kitties without tails. There iz a reason it iz gone, that’s all I am going to say about that, yes?
Now if you will excuse me, I think a very particularly tasty piece of carpet is calling my name.
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