the pull

it’s about me.

I pulled yesterday’s entry.

I’ve never really done that before. I pulled something about Oprah’s book club once, but that was mostly a joke. This is different. I posted yesterday’s entry and for the past twenty-four hours I’ve felt wrong about it.

It’s not that what I said wasn’t the truth. It’s not that I don’t feel that way. It’s just that yesterday’s entry was mostly about Eric and his life, and he never asked to be a part of this. He knows that I write, that I have a need to write and talk about my life, but yesterday’s entry is so personal, so much a part of the things we don’t talk about to everyone, that I don’t feel right sharing it here. At least not yet. Maybe someday I’ll post it again, when we’ve gone through everything and it becomes a story.

It’s not a story yet. It’s our lives.

It’s a very fine line that I walk sharing too much of me, sharing parts of me that I wouldn’t tell people. There’s things I don’t say in here. You don’t know everything, of course, but what I keep coming back to, the feeling that I can’t shake, is that Eric never asked to share his life with you. I choose to share things about him to you.

And I don’t want to infringe on that trust we have.

I didn’t say anything that he wouldn’t want people to know. Maybe. But I keep switching things around, wondering how I’d feel if I knew that things I did or said might be told to the entire world. It would make me feel like a character, not a person. That if I said or did the wrong thing, then people who don’t even know me would judge me.

I guess part of it is the e-mail. People have been writing, and those of you who wrote to me and said how much they enjoyed reading it because it gave you hope, and gave you a good feeling about your own relationships and the struggles they have, then I’m really happy for you. That’s why I wrote it. But some of you wrote to give advice, or tell me how I really feel or how Eric really feels… you’re wrong. You don’t know. That’s all I’m saying.

I feel like I went to a party all giddy on how happy I am that Eric and I are working this out and just blah-blahed to everyone how proud I am of Eric and how great things are, and even though I feel that way, that I am proud of him, of us, I don’t feel right leaving it up there. The story isn’t over. It was only yesterday, for Pete’s sake. This isn’t something I’m looking back on and reflecting. This is what’s happening now.

I posted it because so many people are going through hard times right now (and people are always going through hard times, I know), but I wanted everyone to see that there’s still hope out there. That there’s still love. That people don’t always just leave when things get hard. So much of what I read on the Internet is negative, so much of it is this painful look at the world. I wanted people to know that there is still joy out there. There is still honest friendship and deep love. But not at the expense of my personal life.

Not at the expense of someone else’ s personal life.

I’m doing this for me. I’m pulling the entry because I don’t want to share it anymore. Like I said, maybe someday I’ll post it again, when things are clearer, and the emotions aren’t so raw. But today, at least, I don’t feel right having it up there. I don’t feel right sharing so much about someone who is sharing his most personal feelings with me.

For the past few weeks this online journalling community has been very strange. People talk about other people, other people’s writing, other people’s relationships as if tearing through the pages of People. These are real people. I just want to say that again. These are real people. Not trading cards. Stee, Eleanor, Beth, Kim– these are real people going through real life and they share these things online and with that comes a certain amount of fame. With that fame comes a certain amount of gossip and assumptions and rumors, and I’m not here to say, “Oh, blah, blah, you don’t know me, you can’t identify with me, you can’t hurt me,” because that’s not true either. Through this webpage, you know me. To some extent. You might not be able to recognize me on the street, but you know about parts of my life I never told some of my friends. But the rumors are strange.

I wrote yesterday’s entry because I wanted to stop the rumors. I wanted people to know that what was happening was between me and Eric.

And now I want to keep it that way. So I’m pulling the entry.

And I thought I’d feel bad about it. But I don’t. I know this is what I want. And I don’t really owe anyone an explanation anyway, but there it is. Sometimes I write about my life. Sometimes I write about Coffee or Taylor or whatever, and when I’m writing something with humor in it, I don’t feel like I’m hurting anyone.

But yesterday’s entry feels like maybe I said too much about something too close to my heart. It needs time before it becomes a story. Right now it’s just emotion.

And pulling it feels right.

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