am i still sexy?

So I had my eye surgery yesterday.

Today it feels like someone punched me in the head. The light hurts it a bit. I’m tired.

But it wasn’t really a big surgery. Just some drops in my head, a sticky thing on my face to hold back my eyelashes, and then they PUT A KNIFE IN MY EYE!

I was pretty freaked out. They just kept telling me to look to the left. Look to the left. If I just accidentally look to the right for just a second they will poke my eye out with that knife! It’s all up to me! I must keep looking to the left! I can’t stop looking to the left! I wonder what it would feel like if I looked to the right for a second. Would the doctor stop cutting in time? Would it cut all the way across my eye? Would I go blind? Would I have to wear an eye patch? Would I be a pirate?

This is reason one why I should have been sedated.

Reason two is that the attending nurses kept arguing about how to prep me before the doctor came into the room. Did this paddle thing have to touch my bone, or was it okay just resting next to my sweater? One attending nurse made it sound pretty damn important that this thing touched my bone. The other two told her to chill out. They discussed their romances while they dropped numbing fluid into my eye. They were so calm.

I was digging holes into my palms with my fingernails.

I don’t think I breathed the entire time he was slicing my eye. I was terrified that something was going to go wrong. I really like having eyes. I know, that’s silly.

“This is much bigger than I thought it was,” he said in mid-slice.

“Oh, Doc, you say that to all the girls.”

Even in surgery, my eye cyst was wooing others.

I drove home, even though everything was pretty blurry. I closed one eye and drove, making the street in front of me look like some bizarre video game. I think I drove about twenty-two miles an hour the whole way.

I got home and slept for three hours.

I went to bed pretty early and slept through until this morning.

My eye is tired, but it’s happy to have rid itself of the cyst.

I’m seeing the world through a new eye.

The world burns.

Thanks for all of your supporting e-mail. I still don’t have any answers. I’m sorry. Thanks for being patient and supportive. And, yes, it is merely a coincidence.

Leave a Reply