movies and elbows

I can’t believe how much I’ve missed being sick for a full week. I’m so behind at work. I’m so behind on the web. Are you guys all still there? Are you all still the same? Oh, man. It’s amazing, because even though I wasn’t here, things were still churning along.

On the good news and shout-outs front, “Boys Life”, the show Eric and I did back in the Spring, just got voted in the Austin Chronicle as one of the ten best performances of 1999, with a great mention of Eric. I can’t link to it because the article isn’t in the online version (which is ironic), but Squishy was also mentioned as one of the ten best web sites in Austin. Can you believe it? Thanks to Sarah Hepola for noticing me.

Added later… and now that I’m catching up I see I made Diane’s top ten list as well! Yeah!

Also, I’m going to be hosting a roundtable discussion for South By Southwest Interactive this March, so if you’re coming to the convention, let me know. We’ll have fun… there’s a Karaoke place just down the street from the convention center! I can’t even tell you how excited I am about doing this panel, because last year when I went to SXSW I was just Squishy (http://www.geocities.com/~pam_e) and everyone was like “Oh, she’s got a tilde.” I said to Eric that my goal for Squishy for the next year was to get it noticed by SXSW and looky here! Cross one New Year’s Resolution off the list. Accomplished.

It seems that whenever I go away for a while interesting things happen. I get all bummed about Aspen and then I get some diarist awards. I get bronchitis and I’m listed in the newspaper. Hmmm… note to self… perhaps a lost weekend should be scheduled for sometime in March…

I spent yesterday writing out my thank you cards. Unfortunately I was a bit wacky from cold medicine, so some of you are getting some crappy, scribbly, Poe-like scrawls. Consider them gifts from my inner child. My inner child was really cranky yesterday and didn’t want to watch any more Nick Nolte in Affliction.

“RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAA! RRreeeeeEEEEAAAHH! Bastarrrrrdddaaahhh! RRoooooRRORORRRROORRRaAAAHRR””Five minutes, Mr. Nolte!”

“Just finishing up my vocal warmups, kid. RRRRREERERRRRRoooooo. RrrrooooRRRRfuckerrrrrr!”

Eric and I have spent what I’ve been calling the Anti-Honeymoon. We spent the entire weekend together, but hardly spoke a word. We sat around watching movies or napping. We didn’t want to be near each other, and were quite grossed out by each other’s appearances. Saturday night I convinced my friend Mical to come and visit us. He sat around for about an hour and then got up and said he had to go. He looked at both of us and said, “You guys are really sick.” At first I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. He high-tailed it out of there and I’m sure went right home and Silkwooded himself. You know when it’s just the two of you, you really have no comparison to see what a healthy version looks like. We thought were were looking better.

We’ve been trying to call Mical and apologize, but he’s got the phone off the hook.

All of this time on our hands has gotten us into bizarre conversations. Last night, on the final minutes of our imprisonment, we officially had the silliest argument ever. Eric thinks that I don’t like “serious movies.” That’s what he said last night as we were trying to fall asleep. I told him that in fact, I do like “serious movies,” since that is quite a broad term, but what I dislike are “sleepy town” films where someone has to call the sheriff to figure out what’s going on. Nothing makes me snore more than some toothless slack-jaw saying, “Oh. I don’t know where he is. You better go ask Andy. He knows things.” Any movie with a sheriff. Wooh! I’m out like a light. And I’m sure that Lone Star and Sling Blade are great films. I just don’t want to wait around to see that. If you want to give me a character study, then please, please, PLEASE just give me the book.

[scripty]
ERIC
Oh, so you only like films like Run, Lola, Run?

PAMIE
First of all, you liked that movie too. Second, I like it when a film tells a story but also shows me the damn story. What do we always say in theatre? “Show, don’t tell.” “Show, don’t tell.” If you’re going to make a film, then you should probably show me the story. Like Do the Right Thing was a story, but Spike Lee showed me the story through the direction. I didn’t have to watch people sit around sweating and talking about what they think might have happened years ago and what they think might happen in the future and then watch what they just said would happen happen.

ERIC
Yeah, but Do the Right Thing was probably one of the best films of that decade. They can’t all be that good.

PAMIE
And here’s what I hate. I don’t want to watch anymore movies about some sad drunk who’s sad and drunk because his dad was sad and drunk and we have to watch him beat his wife and kids because his dad beat his wife and kids and you know that he thinks he’s not as bad as his dad was so we inevitably have to watch him be even worse to his wife and kids so that he can learn some damn lesson while he’s all drunk and mean which usually involves one of the kids dying or something. No more drunk mean dads. And if that drunk mean dad is in a sleepy town, then I’m just going to go read a book.

ERIC
You just hate movies about men.

PAMIE
You are just trying to rile me up.

ERIC
No, I’m just going to keep making generalizations until I make one that might be kind of close to the truth.

PAMIE
I like plenty of films about men. That’s silly. I like war movies like Platoon or Saving Private Ryan. I like drunk guy movies like Leaving Las Vegas. I liked Dead Man Walking. But I’m tired of sweaty prisoners finding magic in their hearts like The Green Mile, and I’m tired of drunk bad dads and sleepy towns taking three hours of my life to tell me something.

ERIC
But you hated Gods and Monsters and that wasn’t about any of those things.

PAMIE
Look, you hated it too, and you hated it for the same reason I did. I took two hours for them to tell us that he was old, gay, and used to make scary movies. It was the same at the beginning of the film as the end of the film. “I’m old. I’m gay. I used to make horror movies. Let me tell you another story about when I was gay, not old, and I had just made one of my horror movies.”

ERIC
You hate gay people.

PAMIE
Okay, now you are just talking to hear your own voice.

ERIC
I just don’t know why you don’t like the same movies I do.

PAMIE
We like lots of the same movies. I just like mine to have a PULSE. You like some boring-ass films, my friend. And I sit through many of your Irish “Me Da” films talking about “everything’s shite.” You don’t hear me complaining.

ERIC
You don’t like a movie unless it has a blonde, a gun or a car chase.

PAMIE
I’m through with this discussion. I can’t fall asleep.

ERIC
Or Johnny Depp.

PAMIE
Good night, Elbows McSnorey.

ERIC
Look, I’m not even using the Lettuce tonight, so I shouldn’t even bother you with the elbow.

PAMIE
You don’t even know how well you wield that elbow. You’ve got it sharpened to a fine point. The other night I woke up holding your elbow inches from my eye. I’m blocking blows in my sleep! I have to be that much of a Ninja to survive you.

ERIC
Is that why my elbow is all crusty?

PAMIE
It’s getting a callous from my eye.

ERIC
This feels weird without my Lettuce.

PAMIE
Well, I appreciate it. Even if it is just one night.

ERIC
Well, after you yelled at me last night, I had no choice.

PAMIE
I did not yell at you.

ERIC
Oh no?

THE NIGHT BEFORE

PAMIE
Okay! That’s it! It’s the first night in the new bed and you’ve already ruined it! You ruined it! I thought we’d have a nice night with the two of us under the covers on our new bed and you’ve already sectioned it off with your side and my side. You take this damn green–

ERIC
It’s my Lettuce!

PAMIE
It’s a big, smelly, heavy, green atrocity is what it is, and right now it’s full of bronchitis. It’s bad enough that you put that big heavy thing on you, but then you go all tucking it in around your legs and feet, and all the way up to that one elbow, that one elbow that’s out to protect you in case I get too close. The one elbow just sitting right over your forehead, ready to WHIP-POW! Just sitting there, waiting for me to roll near you or try and hug you or put my face near yours, just all WHIP-POW! Like that. And I’m tired of it! I’m tired! It’s like I don’t sleep with you, I sleep near you. Just near you. Next to you. I don’t even know what your skin feels like anymore. I sleep with a Muppet. A big green Lettuce Monster. The only thing that pokes out of your little sleep taco is your forehead and your elbow. I miss you. I want to sleep with my boyfriend.

ERIC
Baby, why are you always busting my style?

PAMIE
Because you didn’t always do this! This is a new thing. I thought it was a winter thing, but then you’d still bundle all up in the Lettuce when it was ninety degrees outside, and you’ll blow down that air conditioning all the way, full of wonder and amazement. “It’s really hot in here!” No! You’re wrapped in a winter blanket.

ERIC
But it’s winter now.

PAMIE
I know it is. But now you close the window and turn up the heat so that it’s still eighty degrees in here and then you sit and sweat in that blanket. That’s why you had a fever of 103 yesterday. That damn lettuce! It’s the damn lettuce! I’m tired of it! Tired! AAAAUGH!

BACK TO NOW

PAMIE
I wasn’t yelling. I was ranting.

ERIC
Give me a break.

PAMIE
Well, isn’t it nice lying here next to me?

ERIC
Yeah.

PAMIE
Like when we first started dating.

ERIC
I can’t sleep, though.

PAMIE
Me either.

ERIC
I feel so naked.

PAMIE
But you’re not hot, are you?

ERIC
No, I’m freezing.

PAMIE
What kind of Yankee are you?

ERIC
I’m getting the Lettuce.

PAMIE
I know. Man. At least switch sides with me so that if an intruder comes in tonight at least he’ll see how the bed could be nice before he kills us both. You’ve got it looking like we’re slobs. Oh, forget it. Just keep your lettuce. At least you wanted to make me happy. Thanks for trying.

ERIC
Grrnugh.

PAMIE
Maybe we can try again in the summer, okay?

Okay?

Sweetie?

ERIC
zzzzzz
[/scripty]

All in all, it’s probably best that we are both back at work today. Too much time together. And WAY too many films.

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