Bonjour.

Pamie says I must take zis test because I am not her, no?  So here we go.  She say I could win box of prizes and I must tell you  zat zee chicken I took from zee dinner table just was not satisifying enough, yes?

You have to sleep with one of thse people, who do you choose? Liza Minelli, Andy Dick,
the corpse of Lenin, or Christina Ricci, who’s head has been replaced with Barbara Walters’?

Is Liza a French Canadian?  If so, bring her on.

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

I would bat it with my hand and then eat zee whole thing.

Favorite bodily function (sneezing, peeing, farting, etc)?

My sneezes are very, very cute, if I do say zo myself.  I do not like bodily functions, though, per se, as Cal is quite zee farter.  Mon dieu!  Disgusting.  He haz learned to keep his pee out of my poop in our box, and for that I have gotten along with him.

Who would win in a fight, Pamie or Xeney?

Let me tell you something that perhaps I have never mentioned before.  I am very protective of Pamie.  If someone were to go up to her and try something, I’d be forced to walk in a circle and mew very, very loudly.  I know it’s not something we all like to do, but if I am pushed that far, I will.  Pamie does not like to fight, and I’d have to make sure she wouldn’t have to.

Or would Ms. E come in and beat the heck out of both of them?

First of all I have not met Ms. E, but I do know that she is very partial to things named Taylor and she would immediately get on my side of the situation.  Miss Xeney will have more than she bargained for, yes?

JenniCam or SeanPatrickLive?

KittyCam.  Meeee-ow.

You are given a new car, a prepaid gas card and $5,000 cash. Where do you go?

What are you talking about?  What is a prepaid?  Does it taste like cheese?

Best Ben & Jerry’s flavor?

Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

Luke, I am your ____________.

Oh, there iz no ending.  I was all into zee story and then there was no ending.  What iz that about, eh?

Truth of Life, or Cheap Lie – Skippy on “Family Ties” was gay as a french horn.

I seem to have fallen into a different language or something.  Did you know that Martha Stewart iz going to have her own wedding collection?  I cannot wait.  Zat woman can do amazing things with tule.

Shoot the hostage?

You cannot prove anything.

2 + 2 = ?

Are you mocking me?  Is that it?  These are mocking questions, aren’t they?  That iz terrible, picking on a fuzzyhead like myself.

All in all, you’re just another ___________.

Jag.  Heh-heh.  Eric taught me that one.  You like?

More questions?

If they end with zee word “Pounce.”

GOVERNMENT WARNING: (1) ACCORDING TO THE SURGEON GENERAL,
WOMEN SHOULD: 1) should be happy with life, 2) respect the simplest levels of
happiness, 3) obey, 4) not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy.

Why you yell at me?  Eh?  No yelling.  I am a very good kitty.

Is there a “d” in this sentence? (yes/no)

More mocking.  Well, smarty, what about this one?

Mew-mah-me-maah-me-mew?

Answer that one, you mocker.

If yes, why and list three previous sexual partners:

You know, I came here to answer a simple survey because Pamie said it would mean lots of food for me.  But now you’ve mocked my lack of schooling, my orphan status, my inablility to spell and now my neutered state?  Do you think that I chose zeese things for my life?  DO YOU?

Who would win this cage match: Dr. Evil or Dr. Bombay?

I am giving you zee silent treatment.

I am a: A) vegetarian B) hoopy frood C) spirit from the netherworld here to steal your soul
D) jelly donut

Iz zis a trick question, too?  I’m a fuzzyhead.

You’re stranded on a desert island with Janeane Garofalo, Larry King and Big Bird. You are
holding a gun, and everyone else is unarmed. Who do you shoot, and why?

And now we bring up my lack of thumbs!  Fucking beautiful!

A train containing 22 lawyers leaves St. Louis heading west at 4:30 PM at 44 miles per
hour. A train with 18 pedophiles leaves Billings heading southeast at 5:08 pm at 56 mph. Do
you like spaghetti?

And math problems!  When will the mockery cease?  When?  How would I know if I– oh!  Yes.  Oui.  I like spaghetti quite a bit, actually.

Sorry I was so mad.

Isn’t it nice to be alive?

Oui.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I like spaghetti, ________________.

Well, go ahead!  Finish your little jingle!  Dammit.  I was so enraptured.

You had me at spaghetti.

In 9 words or less, explain your religion and it’s benefits.

All things are resolved with six pieces of Pounce.

Who gets the girl, Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, or Dieter, host of
Sprockets?

Mr. Bigglesworth.

If you were a breakfast food, what would you be?

I choose zee blueberry muffin.  It iz a very tasty morning treat, no?  And zee best part iz you can eat the packaging.  Those little cups are wonderful.

If you had to work at the Neverland ranch for the rest of your life, what job would you
apply for, and why?

What iz “work?”

______ me, beautiful.

me, beautiful too.

Why are people embarassed to buy condoms?

i do not know what a “condom” is, but i do know that I would be terrified if I had to go out and ask for “extra clumping” litter.  Tell everyone about my magnificent poop.  Mon dieu.  Glad I don’t have thumbs.

HR Pufinstuff is:

Filled with cream?

Who’s the cat who won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?

That Cal never sleeps.  One time I thought he was asleep and I walked over to him to bathe zee top of hiz head, and he put hiz paw on my nose like he was a ninja.  He never sleeps.  Never.  He takes hiz toys and he carries them at night, dragging zem in zee hallway, and zey make zis terrible scratching sound on zee walls.  SCRRR! SCRRR!  He is coming for me, I tell you.  One day.